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Charlie Hatton
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I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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No, You Can’t Plead ‘No Contest’

Okay, folks, here’s something new. It’s a little game I just made up. Maybe it’s a quiz, or a meme. Call it ‘Five for Wednesday’, if you want. Me, I call it ‘What If There Was a Contest?‘ Let’s see how this goes.

It’s pretty simple, really. I’ve got ten ridiculous, outlandish scenarios that could — in a crazier, scarier world — conceivably be turned into contests of some kind. In each case, I’ll indicate what I would do, were I to enter such a kooky kontest. If you’re so moved, you can let me know what you would do, too. Or hell, copy the whole list, and post your best shots on your own site. It’s a free country. I don’t mind.

Anyway, let’s get this puppy in the hopper before I think better of it, eh? Without further ado, here’s the first — and quite possibly, the very last — installment of ‘What If There Was a Contest?‘:

1. What if there was a contest to lick the entire floor surface of one room in your house?

See, now, many people would probably choose their kitchen, right? At least there might be some tasty food nuggets among all the filth and stickyness, I imagine the theory would go.

Ah, but what of the under-refrigerator space? Didja think of that? Because it’s the entire surface of the floor, you know. Including that thick, dark, pulsating gunkus under the fridge. I’d rather lick the dog’s ass. Assuming she ever stops doing it herself, that is.

Anyway, the kitchen is out — the fridge sludge is just too creepy. Likewise, the bathroom is off limits, and high-traffic areas like the living room and bedroom — you never know how much dogflop has been tracked through those rooms. So, I’m goin’ with the dining room. If you’re like me, you’re rarely in that room, so there’s not much to be afraid of. And if you actually — wonder of wonders — eat in your dining room, then you might get a few table scraps for your trouble, without all that under-fridge brouhaha. Yep. Dining room — that’s the ticket for me.

2. What if there was a contest to stuff as many of one kind of food into your mouth as possible?

Again, I’ve got to go against the grain on this one. I wouldn’t go with something really, really small, like sunflower seeds or goldfish crackers. That’s too easy. And that shit is sharp, too — you could put a tonsil out jamming a bunch of those in your gob.

Rather, I’d concentrate on the melty food group. Remember, as long as the food stays in your mouth, it counts — nobody said it had to stay in the same form. So you’d have to think about M&Ms, certainly. But that could get really messy in the endgame. Ice shavings would be nice… but that probably doesn’t count as ‘food’, per se. So, I’m gonna say cotton candy. It’s not small going in, by god, but it shrinks down to nothing on contact. I bet I could get a million of those big balls of sugar in my mouth.

(Man. It sounds so dirty when I put it that way. A million big balls of sugar in my mouth. Eek.)

3. What if there was a contest to guess a number for a million dollars?

This one’s easy. Seven. It’s always seven.

What? Don’t look at me that way. Seven. Trust me.

Seriously — seven. Move along, now. Next question.

Oh. Wait a second. It’s not always seven. Sometimes it’s four hundred and ninety-one thousand, two hundred and forty-four. But that’s it. Either seven, or four hundred and ninety-one thousand, two hundred and forty-four. Nothing else. One or the other. No, really.

4. What if there was a contest to make the nastiest-possible-sounding hyphenated word from two not-so-especially-nasty words?

I’ve given this one some considerable thought. And I think I’m gonna have to go with ‘man-sauce‘. It works on so many levels — so many connotations, and all of them shivering willy-inducing. Nice talk.

5. What if there was a contest to wear a ‘holiday mascot’ suit every day for a full year?

This is another toughie — do you go for something well-insulated, like an Easter Bunny suit or Santa Claus getup, and swelter through the summer months? Or do you go minimalist, with the diaper-and-sash of a New Years’ baby or Valentines Day cupid, and freeze your jingle bells off all winter? Personally, none of those options gets me in the holiday mood, if you know what I mean.

Then there are the fuzzy holidays — you could try convincing people that a ghost or a witch costume would be the quintessential mascot getup… but they’re just as likely to try getting you to sport a rotting pumpkin for a head for the next year. Likewise Thanksgiving, where trying to get away with a pilgrim or a Native American outfit could get you stuffed into a turkey costume for a few months. No, thanks.

So, for me, it’s got to be the St. Patty’s Day leprechaun. They’re legendary, they’re mischevious, and, from what I understand, they’re magically delicious. And it’s a relatively low-maintenance costume. Sure, the muttonchop sideburns would get a bit itchy, but otherwise, it’s just a green suit, and nothing more. And think of all the people who’d buy you beer! Talk about a ‘lucky charm’, people — I’m thinking of doing this, contest or not. Damn.

Well, there it is. A few more demented, nonsensical thoughts that won’t keep me awake at night any more.

(Which is good — ‘man-sauce’, in particular, was really starting to haunt me.)

Hope you’ve enjoyed it. Now don’t you wish we had contests like these around to enter, eh?

Permalink  |  3 Comments

3 Responses to “No, You Can’t Plead ‘No Contest’”

  1. Chasmyn says:

    Can I not do all of them?

    3. Sometimes it’s 23. Or 5. OR 69. 42? Or 2,356,942? Anyway.

    4. cinnamon-mayonnaise. salmon-brownies.

    5. If you do this, make sure you take at least one photo a day of yourself in diefferent locations dressed this way. especially the most mundane places like the supermarket or the post office.

    If I did this, I think I might choose Beltane and dress up like a Nymph or a fairy or something. A man could dress up as Bacchus. That would be fun. Bu you know, I’m Pagan like that, and you didn’t specify christian holidays or even American holidays. That opens it up a lot. How about Boxing Day?

  2. tony says:

    for me, there is no holiday “fuzzier” than St. Patrick’s Day. (see: my March 2004 archive)

    Is the number 12? No, wait. 312? How about 34,612? Is there even a 1 and a 2 in it?

    I tell ya what, just to have some fun, I’m going to go answer this on my own site, and while I don’t have a million dollars, how about a G-Mail invite to the closest guess without going over? I’ll leave it between 1 and 5,000 and you don’t even have to lick any floors.

  3. JB says:

    1. I’d lick my son’s closet floor since he never goes in there and just tosses stuff on the floor in his room. I guess it doesn’t qualify as a room though.

    2. I was thinking rice at first but I like the melty thing, how about butter though?

    3. I guessed 1,234,567 but then I realized that’s just stupid because who is going to go through all the numbers like that.

    4. rosie-o’donnell, lyle-lovett

    5. How about Uncle Sam for the Fourth of July, or you could dress up as a soldier for veterans day?

    I used to get lots of beer just by mentioning I was a Marine, and patriotism gets you lots of junk for free.

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