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No Wonder I Have Heartburn

I ate a candy bar today, for the first time in a long while. But I’m not sure I did it right.

I realized, after I got the thing out of the vending machine, that I have no idea which candy slogan goes with which tasty sweet. So I didn’t know whether the thing was supposed to ‘really satisfy’, or ‘melt in my mouth, not in my hands’, or ‘give me a break’, or what. So I’m pretty sure I ate it wrong. I had no idea what the hell I was doing.

I have the same problem with beer — I’m always ‘living the high life’ when I’m supposed to be ‘heading for the mountains’, or thinking ‘life beckons’ when I’m actually feeling ‘true blue’. Or ‘Wooo-wahhhh-hooooo!’-ing when I should be… well, not ‘Wooo-wahhh-hoooo!’-ing, I suppose. Does everything have to be so damned confusing? Can’t I just… I don’t know — can’t I just ‘have it my way’?

Oh, poop. I give up. I’m gonna grab some water. And I mean tap water, dammit. ‘What it means to be from Maine’ — *pffffbbbbtttttt*!