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Charlie Hatton
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Imaginary Catalog: ‘Wedding Cake Figurines’

Wedding Cake Figurines

Catalog #CT142A.

And 142B. And 142C, 142D, 142E, 142F, 142G**, and 142H.

(** Heads sold separately.)

#CT142A: ‘Matrimonial Bliss’

List price: $149.99

Widely regarded as the ‘Cadillac of Cake Toppers’, this set represents the pinnacle of current wedding accessory technology. Each ceramic figurine is painstakingly molded and shaped using clays extracted from the bases of recovered ancient Greek amphoras. The figurines’ garments are hand-sewn by dedicated Dutch spinster seamstresses, using cloth cut from the habits in Mother Theresa’s personal wardrobe.

A team of classically-trained Venetian artistes then lovingly hand-paint the delicate features and expressions that give each figurine its own unique and hauntingly familiar personality. Finally, the toppers are UV-sterilized, blessed by a rabbi, an imam, and a Roman Catholic archbishop, vacuum-sealed in silk-lined boxes, and shipped directly to your home.

This cake topper model is simply unparalleled in today’s market. Our ‘Matrimonial Bliss’ on your wedding cake will absolutely guarantee* a long, healthy, and happy marriage.

* No such guarantee is actually claimed or implied by the manufacturer or retailer.

#CT142B: ‘To Have and to Hold’

List price: $129.99

While not quite the peer of ‘Matrimonial Bliss’ — but what is, really? — this is still a rock-solid cake topper. Sure, a few corners get cut — we use a much less pious nun’s outfits for the clothes, and frankly, the archbishop doesn’t always get around to blessing these. If the artistes miss painting a dimple or a fingernail, we might look the other way.

But we pass the savings directly on to you. If you want perfection in a cake topper, we’ve already told you what to buy. Maybe you missed the bit about the lifetime happy marriage guarantee**. Hey, if you’re willing to risk true love and decades of happiness to shave a few bucks off the cost of your wedding, that’s up to you. We can’t tell you how to live.

** No guarantee whatsoever is actually made regarding the longevity or blissfulness of your marriage. ‘Guarantees’ for entertainment purposes only.

#CT142C: ‘The Happy Couple’

List price: $99.99

Not sold yet, eh? Sure, to the untrained eye, ‘Happy Couple’ shares a passing cosmetic resemblance to ‘Matrimonial Bliss’. But the similarities end there. We’re barely even trying with this model.

Honestly, the hems are all sloppy on the clothes, and the painted-on features? All wrong. The men have shiners, and the women all get moustaches. Big bushy numbers curled up at the ends, too. Everybody’s going to notice.

Also, nobody blesses these toppers, and they’re not sterilized — in fact, we’re pretty sure Frank on the loading dock licks a lot of them before they ship out. Do you really want Frankie’s spit on your cake topper? He’s a smoker, you know. And a big fan of the onions, too. It’s hardly appetizing.

Look, just go back up and order ‘Matrimonial Bliss’ already. We’ve been very reasonable about this, but we’re running out of patience here. Enough is enough.

#CT142D: ‘A Day to Remember’

List price: $79.99

Fine. You know what? These figurines, the ‘Day to Remember’ ones? They’ve been down our pants.

“What are you looking for down here, anyway? A cake topper that’ll wait by the bed on your honeymoon and make you a ham sandwich?”

That’s right. All of them. We walk around the warehouse every day with six or eight of these things in our underwear. Why? To teach you a lesson. You can’t beat ‘Matrimonial Bliss’. It’s untouchable. What are you looking for down here, anyway? A cake topper that’ll wait by the bed on your honeymoon and make you a ham sandwich? Not gonna happen. Get over it already.

Otherwise, you can buy this hunk of crap, and when your guests ask what ‘A Day to Remember’ means, you can tell them it’s a day to remember that your cake topper is covered in Dutch seamstress ass sweat. Bon appetit, cheapass.

#CT142E: ‘Ghetto Fabulous’

List price: $59.99

Okay, I see — you’re poor, is that it? You recognize the obvious superiority of ‘Matrimonial Bliss’ to any other topper, but you simply can’t afford it. Even with one of our generous — nay, charitable — payment plans.

No problem. We’ve got the model for you right here. We make these from used daycare Play-Doh and dress them in material ripped out of Goodwill rags. We still make sure it’s black and white in all the right places — and you’ve never seen real wedding getups, so how the hell would you know the difference, anyway? You wouldn’t. You’re poor.

Did I mention the payment plans? Because we’ve had homeless toddlers who’ve scored a ‘Matrimonial Bliss’ through a payment plan. An unemployed leper would qualify, you know. Are you really setting a good tone for this marriage with your negative attitude?

#CT142F: ‘Yawn. Another Wedding.’

List price: $49.99

Man, nothing gets through to you, does it? Suit yourself, then. Ignore the shining example of ‘Matrimonial Bliss’. Deprive your loved ones of a cake-topping joy that regularly reduces grown men to tears of ecstacy. Bridesmaids have been brought to orgasm, just standing next to it. But you’re not interested. Fine. You’re only hurting yourself.

So go ahead — buy this topper. It looks like the one we told you to buy. But did we squirt vinegar into this one, to leak out and ruin your wedding cake? We’re not telling. There’s no vinegar anywhere near ‘Matrimonial Bliss’, though; you can be sure of that.

‘Matrimonial Bliss’ plays music, by the way. We didn’t mention it before, because we didn’t think we needed to. Most people come to their senses by now, but you… you’re not like most people, are you? Actually, we’re beginning to suspect you may be mildly retarded. You might want to have that looked at.

#CT142G: ‘Living a Lie’

List price: $29.99

Clearly, you don’t want this marriage to work. If this little performance of yours is any indication of the effort you’re going to give, then the union is doomed from the start.

Still, we’re here to help. So here’s what we’ll do: we’ll sell you this model — this shoddy, filthy, scabby, disease-ridden, festering excuse for a cake topper — but without any heads. That way, when this sham of a marriage falls apart in a couple of weeks, you can substitute a different head onto your next partner, when you get hitched again.

Or maybe by then you’ll spring for ‘Matrimonial Bliss’. How’s that for an idea, eh? Keep the headless set as a reminder of the jackass you used to be, and learn to love a little. Sounds like a plan to me.

#CT142H: ‘Why the Hell Even Bother?’

List price: $19.99

Nope. Forget it. We’re not selling you this topper. This topper’s been caked with grease and dragged through a used bus stop urinal, but you can’t have it. You’re not good enough for this topper.

In fact, you can’t have any topper. Not now, after wasting our time like this. We tried — oh, how we tried! — to hook you up with ‘Matrimonial Bliss’ (dubbed ‘The One True Topper’ by Wedding Cake Figurines Digest), but you wouldn’t have it. And now it’s too late.

Just go. Pennypinch your way right back to your crumbling relationship, and buy your cake topper somewhere else. We don’t need your kind of business here. Good day.

Just do us one favor. When your fiancee breaks up with you — because we all know it’s coming — send them our way. At least their next marriage will be a guaranteed success***.

***No guarantees are actually made as to the ultimate success of your fiancee’s subsequent marriage. The futility of your current train wreck cannot be used to measure future relationship performance.

(Ed. note: The cake topper picture above was borrowed from the fine folks at, who make real, custom cake toppers that actually look different from each other. Really! Even to me, and I’m an idiot!

And I bet Frankie on the loading docks barely licks any of them, either. Guaranteed.)

Permalink  |  1 Comment

One Response to “Imaginary Catalog: ‘Wedding Cake Figurines’”

  1. RRaccoon says:

    You are so weird. Nice.

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