Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Look, Ma! It Was on Sale!

Yesterday, I bought Mother’s Day presents. A nice bouquet of flowers for my mom, and another for my grandma.

Because… well, you know. In between the godless heathenry and incorrigible sass, I do try to be a good kid. As best I can, anyway.

The flowers seemed very nice, and will hopefully arrive fresh and bloomy on Saturday morning, to the delight of the ladies from whose loins I sprang — either directly, or by proxy through a younger generation of fertile female.

One thing I was struck by while shopping, though, is the smarminess with which petal peddlers run their establishments. I checked out a few sites online —, 800-Flowers, and others — before finding something suitable. And they all had the same gimmicky hook on the detail page of every Mother’s Day bit of swag:

Special offer! Huge discounts! Buy now and SAAAAVE!!!

First of all, is ten or fifteen percent really going to make the difference when shopping for a gift that says, ‘Thank you for decades of unconditional, unwavering, and often unappreciated ‘Mother’s Love’‘? If you don’t get the special offer deal, will you throw up your hands over the extra four bucks, give up, scribble a ‘Happy Moms’ Day, nice lady!‘ on the back of a cocktail napkin, and call it a day?

No. I didn’t think so. Not unless you’re Norman Bates. Or one of the Gotti kids, maybe.

“If you don’t get the special offer deal, will you throw up your hands over the extra four bucks, give up, scribble a ‘Happy Moms’ Day, nice lady!‘ on the back of a cocktail napkin, and call it a day?”

Besides, those price cuts and ‘instant savings’ are a big crock of momshit in the firrst place. These are Mother’s Day bouquets, for chrissakes. To offer a ‘Ten percent off the regular price , if you act now!‘ deal is just plain conniving.

When would you pay the ‘regular’ price on these flowers, anyway? Maybe if you were buying Mothers’ Day nosegays in the middle of fricking August, to beat the rush. But how does that work when the actual holiday rolls around?

Happy Mothers’ Day, Ma! Look, I bought you some stems and wilted brown leaves. But back in the fall, these flowers were spectacular!

Come on, there, sparky. She raised you better than that, and you know it.

Still, if the florists are going to ‘offer’ good ‘deals’ for this ‘holiday’, why not make it a little more exciting? No schmucks have ever actually paid whatever theoretical ‘full price’ you’ve come up with — so why not send that fantasy price through the roof? Charge me the same price you do now — but don’t tell me I’m getting a measly ten percent off. Where’s the fun in that?

Instead, claim I’m getting ninety percent off, or even more. We both know that nobody in the history of your shop ever paid the ‘full price’, so humor me, dammit. List the bouquet as costing the gross national product of a small Central American country, or the bar tab tally for a John Goodman night on the town. Whichever’s more expensive.

Then, charge me the same few dozen bucks you’re already asking, and tell me I just got a steal. Hey, if these flowers ‘regularly‘ cost six figures or more a dozen, then they’ve got to be good, right? Everybody wins!

As it is, I feel like I’m getting played, somehow. And by a florist, which just adds insult to indigo violets. If you get ripped off by a florist, you can’t go to the cops. They’d laugh you right out of the precinct.

But for Mother’s Day, it’s a chance I’ll have to take. It’s either that, or make my own card out of construction paper and Elmer’s Glue, and send that along to her. And I outgrew that phase a long time ago. Like, after last Christmas.

(I colored Rudolph’s nose myself on that card. I was very proud, too.)

I suppose the important thing is that bright, smelly, leafy plants will soon be whisked along to my mother’s and grandmother’s residences. And what better way to say, ‘I love you, ma!‘ than:

Hey, look! This year, I didn’t get you a crappy cardboard card, or send you nasty flowers I bought nine months ago!

See? I told you I’m a good kid sometimes.

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved