Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Phone(less) Home

I discovered during this Christmas trip that my parents live in a ‘dead zone’. Maybe you’ve seen the commercials recently from one or the other of those cellular carriers, trying to scare folks away from these dead zones, with their zero bars and scratchy towels and crabgrass-infested yards.

(For the record, my parents have retired to an apartment, so if there’s any crabgrass nearby, it’s really none of their concern.

The towels are kinda scratchy, though.)

At any rate, it seems Mom and Dad live in an area outside of the 3G coverage I’m used to in Boston. Also, there’s no 2G going on. From what I can see, there are no Gs whatsoever, anywhere in the area. Maybe the crabgrass got ’em all; I have no idea.

“It slices, it dices, it juliennes; it’ll make you wet your pants, strip them off you, clean them up and shimmy them right back onto your ass.”

The point is, when I’m at their place — indeed, anywhere in the whole town — I’m in perpetual roam mode. No data. No updates. No web. I could probably, in a dire emergency, call 911 — provided I dialed the area code, a 1 and some sort of other-carrier code to make the call go through. And assuming I was willing to sign the deed to my house over to AT&T or Sprint to pay for the privilege. Probably easier just to bleed out or let the mass murderer in the door, at that point.

All of this is a real disappointment, considering that I was really looking forward to showing off my fancy new phone. My parents are smart cookies, but they’re not exactly what you’d call ‘early adopters’. Mom’s just getting a handle on this newfangled World Wide Web gizmo, and Dad’s still working up to operating their cordless phone without mishap. I’m only kidding about one of those. And only a little bit.

(In their defense, I was only recently able to rescue them from a long-term relationship with AOHell. The brainwashing takes a while to wear off; I’m weaning them slowly away from using ‘LOLzerz!!!!1eleventy!’ in emails now.

It’s a slow process, I’m afraid. I just hope none of the damage is permanent.)

So I was going to get a kick out of bringing this crazy new bit of 21st century technology back home to meet the folks. Any old smartphone would wow them, but this thing puts the ‘Gee!‘ into ‘G1′. It plays music, it takes pictures, it scans barcodes. It slices, it dices, it juliennes; it’ll make you wet your pants, strip them off you, clean them up and shimmy them right back onto your ass. The talcum powder option costs extra, but if you have the cash, it can do it all!

Except, when I’m at my parents’ house, make actual fricking phone calls.

Naturally, that’s the first question they asked. ‘A telephonomotron, eh? What sort of reception does it get?

Um… none. Right now, anyway. I’m roaming.

Aw, too bad. Well, can you surf that web doohickey with it?

Yep. Anywhere except, oh, here, it turns out.

I hear Google made that thing. Got Google on it?

Not without a connection.

Google streets?

Not at the moment.

Google maps?

*sigh* Ordinarily.

Google search, at least?

Not in this neck of the woods.

Cause we used to have that Google search back on AOL, a couple of years ago. Maybe you don’t get that up in Boston yet, but it’s pretty handy. Let us know if they ever catch on to that interweb stuff up there.

Just kill me now. And don’t bother calling 911; I can’t afford the cross-carrier fees.

But at least I’ll feel right at home. In the ‘dead zone‘.

Permalink  |  1 Comment

One Response to “Phone(less) Home”

  1. kerry says:

    sounds like my parents.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved