Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Two Tricky Tickets

Braves talk up first, over at Bugs & Cranks:

The Newest Oldest Brave — Atlanta just re-signed Julio Franco. Wait. Atlanta re-signed Julio Franco?!? Uh-whaaa?

Now back to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

The missus and I have in our possession a pair of free movie tickets. We can use redeem them at one of a number of theaters around the Boston area, but we have to use them within the next three weeks.

Sounds simple, right?

Well hold your horses there, Hollywood. It’s not so easy, after all. For one thing, we’ll be out of the country for a week soon, which cuts heavily into two weekends. The rest of our schedule is pretty tight, so getting to the theater will take some creative planning. And then there’s my wife’s contention that I hate going to movies.

“I’m not sure I’m interested in a movie where the hero is able to both lick his own crotch and talk about it afterward.”

No, really. She actually believes that I don’t like going out to see a movie. But what’s not to like? The popcorn, the sticky floors, the previews, the FWOOOOO-SHOOOOSH of the THX blurb, shouting ‘Oh no he din’t!!‘ during the tense climactic scene — I love it all. If I enjoyed the movies any fricking more, the floor would be even stickier when I left.

Still, my lovely and talented has a point. Often when we venture to the cinema, we return home feeling somewhat… unsatisfied. Many of the movies we shell out our hard-earned scratch for turn out to be duds. And I don’t have enough thumbs — or other appendages, for that matter — to turn down in response to any activity that sucks three hours out of my life without delivering the goods.

And I watch baseball. So I’m not exactly ‘discerning’.

With that in mind, we put our heads together to find a movie that would be worth the zero dollars we’d have to spend for tickets. And twelve fifty for popcorn. Nine dollars for a small soda. And thirty-eight bucks for parking. My wife scoured the paper for current and upcoming flicks; below are my reactions:

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?

“You want me to spend two hours watching a bunch of young boys waving their wands around? Why don’t you just strap me down and show me Brokeback Mountain?”


“Oh, a remake of a play based on a movie. Peachy. Well, at least John Waters is still in– what? He’s not? Meh.”

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry?

“Adam Sandler pretending to be gay? This is different from The Wedding Singer and Little Nicky how?”


“I never had the toys, you weren’t even born yet, and we’re not in the market for a new car. Next.”

Ocean’s Thirteen?

“We saw that already. You slept through it. For the record, though, George Clooney dies at the end.”

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End?

“Sounds good — but I haven’t seen the first two. Give me a month or so on TBS to catch up, and I’ll get back to you.”

Evan Almighty?

“What would a 40-year-old virgin know about building an ark? I’m not buying it. Not even for the freaky animal sex scenes.”

I Know Who Killed Me?

“Somebody finally offs Lindsey Lohan and she comes back to life? Hell, no. I don’t sleep well enough as it is, without believing there’s a zombie Lohan out there somewhere.”

Who’s Your Caddy?

“Ooh, a movie featuring golf, rich assholes, and rap music stars? If only they’d included something about 18th century Flemish basketmaking, it’d have everything I don’t give a rocket-powered rat’s ass about.”


“I’m not sure I’m interested in a movie where the hero is able to both lick his own crotch and talk about it afterward. So really, anything with Jason Lee is out.”

Rush Hour 3?

“Oh, you mean the ‘Can you see the crap coming out of our studio?!?‘ movie? Um, no.”

Daddy Day Camp?

“Sorry, I saw Snow Dogs. I’m not legally allowed to watch Cuba Gooding, Jr. torture his own career without intervening somehow. And I don’t know where he lives.”

So basically what I’m saying is — anybody want a couple of free movie passes? Clearly, we’re never going to use the damned things.

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “Two Tricky Tickets”

  1. Lori says:

    I’d go for the Lindsey Lohan – you may never ever get to see her in anything again.

  2. #Debi says:

    Dude, seriously–if George Clooney dies at the end of O13, I’m gonna be really pissed…

    I think Lori’s got it right. Maybe at the end of the movie you’ll find out that who killed her was her cellmate, Tiny Grlll…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved