Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

A Cottonelle Conundrum

Time again for Braves baseball over at Bugs & Cranks:

I’ll Gladly Pay You Friday… — … but only if Barry Bonds is still chasing a record by the weekend.

Now on to the drivel du jour.

A funny thing happened to me today. Only I’m not sure exactly what happened, or when it occurred. I’ll explain.

As I was leaving for work this morning, I felt a rumble. A tummy rumble, and a fairly urgent one, at that. My stomach wasn’t saying, ‘Hey, how’s it going up there?

It was more like, ‘Yo. You like these pants the color they are now? Then giddyup, Sparky.

So giddyup I did, into our downstairs bathroom. The previous owners put the half-bath in, and called it ‘cozy’ in the ads.

(Apparently, ‘cozy’ is real estate weenie-speak for ‘we crammed a toilet into a closet, so you need a second mortgage to afford this place’. The more you know.)

“Trust me, if I thought that an intruder or ghost or some sort of ‘poopergeist’ had taken our TP, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this.”

Upon reaching the ‘launching pad’, I was miffed to find that we were very nearly out of toilet paper. There were a couple of squares — but no squares to spare. And I didn’t have any reinforcement rolls handy, should spare squares be required.

So I did what any responsible, loving, conscientious husband would do. I shimmied my rumbly ass to the bathroom upstairs.

(What? You didn’t think I was going to restock the toilet paper, did you?

I said ‘husband’. Not ‘saint‘. At least I left the lid down. Let’s be realistic here.)

My bidness thus taken care of, I toddled off to work and thought nothing more about it. Until I got home this evening, an hour or so before my wife.

And found a completely empty toilet paper roll in the downstairs bathroom.

Dun. Dun. DUN!!

Now, before I over-spook you with this scenario, I should mention that there was someone in our house while I was gone.

(Trust me, if I thought that an intruder or ghost or some sort of ‘poopergeist’ had taken our TP, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this. I’d have run screaming from the house, and right now I’d be hiding under the covers in a motel somewhere, working out a real estate ad myself for a house with a ‘cozy, only possibly haunted second bathroom’.)

The mystery guest I speak of is the dogwalker. Every Wednesday, this lady stops by to give our mutt a few minutes of butt-sniffing and territory-peeing. I assume she takes the dog outside for these things, but hey — as long as the dog’s happy and my couch doesn’t squish when I sit on it, I don’t care how she gets her furry freak on.

None of that explains where the toilet paper went, though. It’s possible that the dogwalker had an emergency of her own, or maybe a spill of some kind to wipe up. No problem there. But seeing as how her role is to take the dog to use the bathroom, and it was toilet paper that was missing, I have to wonder:

Is this woman wiping our dog, too?

I’d call that going above and beyond the call of duty. Or maybe behind and underneath the call. Either way, it’s sort of disturbing to think about. It’s one thing if the lady needed to use our toilet. But if she’s brandishing Charmin anywhere near our dog’s ass, we aren’t paying her nearly enough. That sort of job calls for hazard pay, yo.

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “A Cottonelle Conundrum”

  1. Jenny says:

    Ahhh, the tummy rumble. Everyone’s felt it at some point in time.

    Some comedian was talking about the tummy rumble saying (and I can’t remember who, I just know I didn’t think of it first):

    “My stomach made THAT noise… you know that noise? The noise that says you didn’t just shit yourself, but you’ve only got a good 90 seconds to work with…”

  2. Evel says:

    I would much rather she wipe the dogs ass, than use my bathroom.

    I am just weird that way.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved