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That’s Some Tasty Television!

Hey, kids. There’s not a lot of time for writing tonight, so I’ll simply serve up the culinary kookiness below. Hopefully, we’ll find something meatier on the menu tomorrow. Till then, list appetit!

Ten Things I’ve Learned From Watching Way Too Much Food Network

#1. You can make dessert out of anything, according to Iron Chef. If you don’t fire up the ice cream maker during ‘Battle Octopus Gonads’, you simply don’t belong in Kitchen Stadium.

#2. If ‘The Secret Life of… Jim O’Connor‘ doesn’t include the words ‘six pounds of speed a day’, then I don’t see how the hell he gets so manic. The guy must mainline espresso into his eyeballs.

“Sending ‘Roker on the Road’ to find food is a lot like sending Courtney Love to the liquor store for booze.”

#3. Sending ‘Roker on the Road‘ to find food is a lot like sending Courtney Love to the liquor store for booze. It’ll work, all right, but it’s not going to be pretty. And by the end of the night, you’ll be hosing somebody down.

#4. ‘30-Minute Meals‘, my fattened-up Butterball brand ass. I can barely nuke a microwave burrito in half an hour, and Rachael Ray wants Chicken Kiev on the table? Gummy, please.

#5. Mario Batali is cheerful, easygoing, and knowledgeable in exactly the sort of way that makes you wonder whether he’d hack you into filets with a meat cleaver if he ever got you alone in the kitchen. Because if he did, he’d probably get away with it. Also, you’d be delicious.

#6. Apparently, Giada De Laurentiis doesn’t own a single shirt that covers her cleavage. I’m not complaining; I’m just saying. The poor girl could lose an olive in there if she’s not careful. Possibly the whole jar.

#7. Anyone can host a show about grilling. They gave Bobby Flay two of them. Here are his only three lines in every episode: ‘Make sure the meat is fresh.’ ‘Season with salt and pepper.‘ ‘Now give that about ten minutes on each side.‘ If only they could train a parrot to hold a spatula, they could save a lot of money.

#8. I thought it was impossible to be uncomfortable with any show featuring a woman, food, and intimate superzoom close-ups. Barefoot Contessa dispelled that myth. It feels less like a cooking show, and more like watching money shots of your next meal. When she stuffed a turkey, I half expected a censor’s black bar over the giblets. I hope they wiped the camera down afterwards. Or at least let it smoke a cigarette.

#9. The show How to Boil Water teaches no such thing. I tuned in recently to find the hosts nattering on about chicken fricassee. Yeah, like I’m going to attempt that. Last time I used a can opener, I nearly lost an arm. I need baby steps, damn you. Baby steps!

#10. Sandra Lee has ‘Stepford Wives‘ written all over her. Either that, or she’s the mom from Family Circle. Either way, it’s damned creepy. Somewhere in the ’50s, a church social is missing its woman who makes sculptures from deviled eggs.

And there you have it. Ten things that I learned through countless hours of watching Food Network, and you’ve just learned them in ten minutes. You’re welcome.

Maybe that’ll give you enough time to finish one of those ‘30-Minute‘ meals. Just slip on a low-cut shirt first, and get that ice cream maker running. And… hey, where’d everybody go? And what are you doing with that cleaver? Gaaaah!