← Maybe It’s Crammed Full of French Fried Pertaters | That’s Some Tasty Television! →Howdy, friendly reading person!
When you live a life like mine, people are constantly saying things to you. Things like, ‘Not again!‘ and ‘Get that thing away from me!‘ and ‘You were dropped on your head a lot as a child, weren’t you?‘
You get used to it. ‘Slings and arrows’, and all of that. They’re just jealous, clearly.
“When I’m mentioned in the same breath with ‘wind’, the connotation is never nearly this pleasant.”
What really hurts, though, are the things that aren’t said. You hear certain cliches and phrases all the time — on television, in movies, and in that fancy loud music the kids are listening to these days — but no one’s ever saying them to me.
Just once, I’d like to be hanging from a cliff, or sliding off a high-rise or down a waterfall, clinging desperately to someone’s arm, and hear them say:
‘If you go, I go.‘
But do they? No. Not even once. Instead, they say:
‘Hey, this is watch is expensive. Would you mind not clawing at it, jackass?‘
Hardly quoteworthy. But certainly typical. Here are a few other common encouraging phrases no one’s ever said to me:
‘You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.‘
(Never heard this. People only say mean and nasty things about the head on my shoulders. But hey — at least they’re not badmouthing my shoulders. That’s something.)
‘I expected you, of all people, would understand.‘
(Nobody expects me to understand. Or even listen. Most people are happy if they can use me as a coat rack.)
‘You are the wind beneath my wings.‘
(When I’m mentioned in the same breath with ‘wind’, the connotation is never nearly this pleasant.)
‘Where have you been all my life?‘
(Instead, people usually say, ‘Where are you going to be for the rest of my life? So I’ll know where to avoid.‘ Bitches.)
‘I didn’t know where else to turn.‘
(There’s always somewhere else to turn. I’ve seen people seek advice from asylum patients before turning to me. Comatose asylum patients.)
‘I could never say ‘no’ to you.‘
(It’s apparently very easy to say ‘no’ to me. I get strangers walking up to me all the time, shaking their heads sadly and telling me ‘no’. No, what? I have no idea. Just a blanket refusal for good measure, I guess.)
‘You’ve given me the greatest gift of all.‘
(Just once, it’d be nice to hear this. On the other hand, musical greeting cards and homemade ceramic ashtrays probably aren’t the ‘greatest gifts of all’, so maybe people have a point.)
‘I always knew you’d come back for me.‘
(At the time someone would want to say this, I’m probably off somewhere watching Sanford and Sons reruns, completely forgetting about coming back for whoever’s in trouble. This is why nobody ever says any of the other things to me, isn’t it?)
Meh. Well, at least there’s always ‘Boy, what in the hell is the matter with you?‘ and ‘What is your major malfunction?!?‘ to keep me company. *sigh*Permalink | 1 Comment
I liked “blanket refusal for good measure.” Nice.