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I’ll Stick With My ‘Aspirin and Crippling Angst Omelette’, Thanks

I think my current favorite TV ad has to be the one for Dannon Frusion. It’s some sort of yogurt/fruity thing.

(Yeah, yeah, I know — yogurt is ‘fruity’ enough, already. And, considering the commercial isn’t on during football games and porn movies, it’s a little ‘fruity’ that I even know about it. So I watch Food Network occasionally. I’m comfortable with my manliness, dammit. Shaddup.)

Anyway, apparently the brain trust at Dannon has dreamed up putting fruit into yogurt. Or yogurt into a milkshake. Or berries into styrofoam goo — look, I can’t be bothered with product details here. I’m more interested in the commercial.

If you haven’t seen it — well, you’re in luck, because it’s online here. And hey, bonus — there’s a little Flash game there where you can beat the living shit out of a bowl of cereal. I was just saying, the other day:

‘How is it that we can put a man on the moon, and find a way to shrink Anna Nicole’s fat ass, and we’re blessed with seventeen kinds of caramel coffee drinks… but if I want to punch a bowl of Raisin Bran in the nose, I’m out of luck?‘

So, finally we can take out our frustrations on our breakfast food. Truly, these are magical times in which we live.

Anyway, back to the commercial. If you still haven’t seen it — and you’re too lazy to watch it now — basically, it’s just this large, cheery black guy in a suit asking people to trade their breakfasts for a bottle of this Frusion nonsense. And, since it’s Dannon’s ad, the people always hand over their food, and love the yogurty slop, and Dannon rakes in the dough, and everybody’s happy.

But see, I’m not buying it. You can’t just stand on a street corner, handing out that gloppy fruity beaver spit to people on their way to work, and expect everyone play along. I’m thinking there’s gotta be some outtakes they’re not showing us. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, actually. And I think they might go something like this:

Dannon Dude: Hey, there! What have you got there for breakfast?

Commuter Guy: Um… it’s a cheese danish.

Dannon Dude: Yuck! Wanna trade it for a new Dannon Frusion? It’s tasty!

Commuter Guy: What’s in it?

Dannon Dude: It’s a delicious mix of yogurt and —

Commuter Guy: Outta the way, nancyboy. And hands off my danish.

Dannon Dude: Hiya! Can I trade you a Dannon Frusion for your current breakfast of…

Commuter Lady: Cigarettes and No-Doz. And no. I’m in a hurry.

Dannon Dude: But this is so much healthier for —

Commuter Lady: One more step, and you’re getting a Marlboro enema. Got it?

Dannon Dude: But it’s got thirteen vitamins, and —

Commuter Lady: Lit end first. I’m not fucking around here, buddy.

Dannon Dude: Yes, ma’am. I’m backing away. Enjoy your sin sticks.

Dannon Dude: Hello there, little miss! Can I trade you a Dannon Frusion for that McMuffin you’ve got there?

School Girl: Well, I don’t know. I’m in kind of a hurry.

Dannon Dude: Look, this is yogurt. It’s fruit. That thing is crap. Trade me.

School Girl: Mister, I’m not supposed to talk to strangers. And I’ve got trig in ten minutes.

Dannon Dude: Kid, trust me. Just give me the McMuffin and drink from this bottle.

School Girl: You’re… kind of creeping me out. I’ve got to go.

Dannon Dude: Don’t you walk away from me! Gimme that muffin, bitch!

School Girl: Yaaaaah! Leave me alone, man! I don’t know you! He’s not my daddy! Heeeeelp!

Dannon Dude: Um… hi, sir. Can I trade you a Dannon Frusion for… uh, what exactly is that you’re eating?

Homeless Guy: It’s a tuna can I found in the dumpster down the block. There’s still a few flecks of fish in here.

Dannon Dude: Well, I’d be happy to trade you — no, actually, I think I’d rather give you this Frusion. My gift, to you. How’s that?

Homeless Guy: Hrmmm. I don’t know. What’s in it?

Dannon Dude: It’s a delicious mix of yogurt and —

Homeless Guy: Pass. Go peddle your pisswater somewhere else. I’ve still got some dignity, dammit.

Eh. Maybe it’s just me. Then again, I don’t eat breakfast, so what do I know? I still wanna see those outtakes.