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Four for the Fourth

I found four reasons to try writing a comedy sketch today. First, I didn’t write much of anything for four days over the weekend, so I’m due. Second and third, today is July 4th, which double-duties as a ‘holiday reason’ and ‘numerical reason’. And because of the holiday, we had no sketch class this week, so I missed out writing one for that venue.

“Because when I “get back on the horse”, that filthy nag needs a cigarette afterward.”

But this is me, here. Nothing ever happens quite so easily as that. So instead of writing a sketch with four reasons, I decided to write four sketches for four reasons, and post them all below. To decrease the degree of difficulty just a tad, I’m going to use the same premise for all four. But otherwise, four sketches coming right up. I’ve got some catching up to do.

Because when I “get back on the horse”, that filthy nag needs a cigarette afterward. You know what I’m sayin’.

THE INSURANCE SHOP QUARTET

INTRO (SHARED)

[A spotlight illuminates a lonely spot in an otherwise dark stage. Slow footsteps approach, and as a serious-looking man in a suit steps into the light, he speaks.]

SPOKESMAN: Can switching to Geico save you fifteen percent or more on your car insurance?

[The spokesman looks earnestly and confidently into the camera.]

TAKE ONE: GOLDBACH

SPOKESMAN: Is Goldbach’s Conjecture, which says that every even integer greater than two can be expressed by the sum of two prime numbers, provable?

[Cut to room with several mathematicians gathered around a chalkboard filled with equations. One is nodding vigorously and arguing ‘yes’, pointing at a spot near the end of the equations.

The average user saves (in equation form) pi cubed times the square root of x minus one, over 2 factorial raised to theta power times y.”]

TAKE TWO: GECKO

SPOKESMAN: Is ‘gecko’ the ten thousandth word in the dictionary?

[Cut to a man hunched over a large dictionary on a table, counting silently on his fingers as he trails down the page with his other hand. He reaches the end of his count, looks carefully at the page, looks up and shakes his head ‘no’.

Cut back to spokesman, still looking and sounding confident.]

SPOKESMAN: Webster’s dictionary?

[Cut back to dictionary man, now with a second dictionary opened inside the first. He looks more haggard, and is now counting with a hand-held ‘clicker’. He reaches the end again, looks up and shakes ‘no’.

Cut back to spokesman, coolly confident but slightly impatient now.]

SPOKESMAN: The unabridged version?

[Cut back to man, with mussed hair and rumpled clothes, an enormous dictionary now splayed across the table and an abacus in hand. He checks the open page, slides a bead and wearily shakes his head ‘no’ and slumps in his chair.

Cut back to spokesman, who rolls his eyes and offers matter-of-factly:]

SPOKESMAN: The 2008 volume? North American version? The third edition?

[Cut to man, now completely ragged and with dictionaries strewn everywhere in sight. He’s counting by scratching tick marks into the wall nearby, like a prisoner. He makes a final slash by a large series of hash marks, checks the book, and with exhausted relief, nods ‘yes’. And then collapses face-first into the open book.

We’re right. You should probably just trust us.”]

TAKE THREE: GAZONGAS

SPOKESMAN: Are porn star Wendy Whopper’s breasts too large?

[Cut to room with several men sitting on couches, gesturing as they debate. Most seem inclined to say ‘yes’, with a shrug, but one man in the middle vehemently shakes his head ‘no’, holding up his hands for the others to stop.

If we can’t save you money, we’ll still show you porn.”]

TAKE FOUR: GOLDSCHLAGER

SPOKESMAN: Is Goldschlager the nastiest liquor around?

[Cut to laboratory with several scientists in lab coats. Several are carrying notebooks, and beakers with liquid of various colors litter the lab benches. The scientists appear to be running through a series of tests in a well-ordered manner.

Hey… we lovssssh you, man.”]