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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
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Howdy, friendly reading person!Okay, people. This cold shit, or whatever I have, is getting really fricking old.
I’ve been coughing for a week, I’m congested, and on odd-numbered days, I feel like ass.
(Maybe even ass warmed over. Does ‘ass’ work like ‘death’ that way? And which is worse?
Maybe I could be ‘ass unrefrigerated’. Or ‘ass stored in a cool, dry place’. How about ‘ass preheated, then set on the sill to cool’? No? Meh.)
Anyway, sorry about being AWOL yesterday — I was out last night entertaining the masses (read: doing a five-minute standup set for three people in between drinking for five hours in a dive bar in Cambridge). Ah, good times. So far as I can remember, at least.
(I’m sure that’s good for my cold, though. Alcohol kills germs, right? Germs and livers and all sorts of other awful parasites. God bless alcohol.)
In other happy news, the wife is back home after a three-day absence, and just in the nick of time. Everything’s falling apart here — the TV remote batteries are dying, the car’s almost out of gas, we’re out of trash bags, and the TiVo has picked up this weird habit of taping shit from the Spanish-language channel.
That last one really gets me — I don’t watch shows in Spanish. Not even the kids’ shows with the chicks in stripper outfits. Or the subtitled soap operas, where a nip slip is always one tantalizing swerve away. Or the religious shows, with… well, with the stripper outfits and nip slips, from what I understand. Hallelujah to that, baby.
Honestly, though, I don’t know where the TiVo is getting its wacky ideas from. I can’t even read the titles on these fricking shows, and it’s ‘suggesting’ two or three of the things a day. Why? I’m not watching them. My wife’s not watching television at all. Maybe the dog’s found some hot piece of chihuahua ass on one of the shows, and she’s programming them in. Who knows?
Eh, that’s all I’ve got tonight. My brain is all fuzzy, and I fear I may soon expectorate on the keyboard. And that’s not cool. There are some places between the keys that a Q-Tip just won’t reach. Believe me; I’ve tried.
So I’ll check you folks out tomorrow. I’m medicating up and bedding down. Buenas noches, amigos.
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I think the TiVo suggestions are only there to drive you crazy. I am not a technophobe and I used to make fun of my father because he couldn’t even upload photos, but damn, technology is getting way to technological these days. You can’t even change the oil in your car without a programming degree any more.
I have absolutely no fucking clue how TiVo picks its “suggestions.” Possibly some kind of random bullshit generator. Not only does it record Spanish-language programming (my level of Spanish is “mi tio es enfermo, pero la carretera es verde”) but also the news. Guess what: after some time has passed, the news ain’t news any more, Mr. TiVo Dude!
Where do you do standup in Cambridge? My daughter lives there…maybe I’ll send her to catch one of your shows. If they’re as good as your blog, anyway.
“Maybe the dog’s found some hot piece of chihuahua ass on one of the shows,”
oh dear God, it’s a good thing I know how to give myself the Heimlich!
Hey, you can go into the Tivo settings and uncheck the Spanish channels in something like “channels I receive” so then Tivo won’t automatically record (suggest) stuff from those channels anymore.