Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

You Wanna Climb Down My What and Do What-What?!

I was visited by a chimney cleaner today.

He didn’t actually do any work, but he took a look around and gave me some estimates on shit that we should have done before winter sets in. It was pretty informative; my wife and I moved in here in April, and have never had a working fireplace of our own before. So it was good to pick up a few tidbits of information about the thing before giving it a test run.

(Like which end the wood goes into — I was so not looking forward to climbing up on the roof and dropping logs down the chimney, too. So it’s a relief to know that you stick ’em in the bottom end. I guess I should have known, really. Where else would you find logs but in a bottom?)

Anyway, it was good that I was expecting him. He seemed like a nice guy, but he was frickin’ huge. And sooty, of course, as he’d already had a couple of appointments earlier in the day. So I think I might have been a little taken aback if I’d gotten off the couch to see who was at the door, and have this big hulking filthy dude say,

Yo, I’m gonna clean your chimney, man.

And by ‘little taken aback’, I really mean ‘scared out of my fucking mind’. I’ve seen prison movies. I think I’d have just screamed like a girl, and tried to escape through my back door before he could… um, escape into my back door, if you get my connotataries. You won’t catch me squealin’ like a pig. Uh-uh.

But, luckily, I knew what he was really there for, and so I showed him around the place. And he was cool, and very specific about what we needed, so I didn’t have anything to worry about, after all.

(Sure, he may bend us over and stick it to us when it gets down to prices, but that’s different. This is Boston. Everybody gets the proverbial shaft on shit like this around here. It’s kind of expected.)

So, we’ll call him back in a week or so, once we’ve decided how much work we need to have done right now.

(Which means, how much work we can afford to have done, and still eat people food for our meals. The dog didn’t appreciate it when we bought our car, and had to dig into her kibble because we were so poor for a while. On the other hand, it wasn’t all that bad. That shit tastes like chicken. Who’da thunk it?)

Anyway, we’ll soon have a fully-functional fireplace, and just in time for winter. The ‘sweeps’ will be back soon to scrub our chimney, and grease our flues, and all sorts of other suggestive-sounding shit like that. I’m strangely excited just thinking about it. Of course, if the dude shows up next time with flowers, or friggin’ candy, I’m still running the other way. He may be a nice guy, but in my fireplace, the logs come out of the bottom, not the other way around. I ain’t got that kind of ‘chimney’, understand?

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved