Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

I Knew I Should Have Gone to the Store Today…

Well, this isn’t good.

I just used the last scrap of toilet paper in the whole house.

(Well, honestly, the last scrap and a couple of the next-to-last scraps, too. I don’t want you to think I just used a half a square and called my ass ‘clean’. I’m an optimist, but I’m a little better than that.)

Frankly, I wasn’t sure that there was enough left to, um, do the job I needed done. But luckily, there was just enough to use, without resorting to anything ‘creative’. Which is a relief. I don’t know how the hell I’d have explained that kind of stain on the shower curtain.

Well, gee, honey, I don’t know how the dog got it all the way up there. Maybe… um, maybe she stood on the sink? I dunno. Bad dog!

Anyway, the immediate crisis is over, but there’s still trouble brewing. I’m just about to leave the house to play volleyball, and I won’t be back for three hours. In the meantime, my wife will come home, and — who knows? — just might have the ‘urge to purge’, derriere-style. And as far as I know, she’s unaware of our current predicament. Hell, I didn’t know we were down to the last roll either, until I looked around for something to replace the empty with. But since I’m the one who took the last sheets, it’s gonna be my ass that’s in hot water over this.

(Well, in the literal sense, it might just be my wife’s. If she can’t find any suitable ass-paper substitute, she might just have to hop in the shower, and wash it all down the drain. I don’t even want to think about the tub ring that would leave. Ick. But it’s my ass that’s gonna get in trouble, that much is for sure.)

Maybe I can find something to put in the bathroom to help her before I leave. Some sort of emergency TP substitute. But what’s best? Kleenex? Too wispy. There’s always the chance that stuff will rip and tear, and you’ll end up with your bare fingers all up in your bidness. I don’t think I could do that to her.

(Plus, she might save it, and try to wipe it on me when I come home, just to teach me a lesson. She’s crafty like that.)

So what else? Paper towels? Maybe. I bet that Brawny guy wouldn’t look so fucking smug if he knew what I was thinking of doing with his precious towels. Still, those things could get awfully rough. It’s not quite like using sandpaper on your backside, but I imagine there’d be some chafing involved. Perhaps not something I want to burden my sweetie with. Especially since we all know who’d have to kiss that shit and make it better. I think I kiss my wife’s ass quite enough as it is, thank you very much.

(Just kidding, honey pie. Love you!)

Well, shit. Now I gotta go, and I’m no closer to a solution. What can I put in there? A notebook? Wrapping paper? A Post-It pad? I’m at a loss. Damn.

So, I guess I’m gonna go, and just let her wing it. Hopefully, she’ll see the problem before any unpleasantness happens. And now that I know, I’ll stop off on the way home and grab a couple of rolls. You know, a sort of peace offering, in case she ends up having to do something regrettable before I get back.

I just hope it doesn’t come to that. I actually like the shower curtain we have now. I’d hate to have to throw it out. Yuck.

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved