Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

The Flap About Naps

Time for another beisbol update, amigos. Mosey on over to Bugs & Cranks for the latest in Braves’ analysis:

That Was Then, This Is… When? — Will the 2007 Braves look more like the ’05 division winners, or the stinkers of ’06?

When you’re done there, come on back for today’s somnabulatory nonsense, below. Gracias!

It’s been one of those weeks when the weekend can’t arrive soon enough. This one was a whirlwind, with an illness, a couple of late nights, and a plumbing emergency leading to a new toilet.

(For the record, I’m not suggesting my illness was a ‘plumbing emergency’. Though it may have led to a couple, at the fevered height of its run.

But under no circumstances did the illness lead to the new toilet. If I’m ever that sick, I think I’ll just hang it up and climb in the coffin. If only to avoid cleaning up the mess.)

“I haven’t taken two naps in the same week since I was sucking warm milk from a bottle and watching Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.”

Things got so hectic, in fact, that during the course of the week I took not one, but two naps. And I’m not a napper. I haven’t taken two naps in the same week since I was sucking warm milk from a bottle and watching Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

(And no, that’s not how I spent my Sunday mornings in college. The rumors are untrue.

If you must know, it was strained peas and Sesame Street. I tended to regress a bit with Monday morning classes looming. The semester I had calculus, I spent most of my weekends in the fetal position, tucked in a laundry bag in a dark closet.)

It’s not that I’m opposed to naps, in principle. I’ve always heard that the optimal sleep pattern is two-to-three hours, three or four times a day. Just like we’re supposed to eat seven small meals a day, floss our teeth every hour, and have ‘quickie’ sex fourteen times a day, or until we can’t walk any more.

(My wife didn’t go for that, either. You can’t blame a guy for trying.)

The catnapping scheme is great in theory. Do a little work, take a nap. Wake up refreshed, do some more work, take another nap. Have some dinner, take a nap. Watch TV, take a nap. Breakfast, nap. Lunch, nap. Brush your teeth, have a quickie, blow off calc class, take a nap. Sounds wonderful.

Sadly, it doesn’t work that way for me in practice. I have a debilitating condition that renders naps a non-option under all but the most desperate circumstances. Perhaps it’s a genetic defect, or the result of some forgotten childhood naptime trauma. Whatever the cause, the grim reality is this:

I’m a grumpy waker.

It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been asleep, or what time I wake up. When my eyes open, I’m tired, noncooperative, and generally poopy-mooded. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, and I certainly don’t want to hear from anyone. Mostly, I want to lie perfectly still and grumble under my breath to no one in particular. It doesn’t help, especially, but at least I feel like the gods of sleep are getting an earful about their abuse. Short of smacking around the Sandman, that’s the best I can do.

I’m not sure why I wake up woozy, but that’s the way it’s always worked. It’s bad enough to go through that once a morning, and gradually wake up enough to face the world. A nap just starts the cycle over. I don’t wake up rejuvenated; I wake up rejerkified, with a head full of fuzz and a mouth full of ‘meh‘. For an hour, I’m like a bitter addled old geezer with lots of irrational opinions and a healthy set of lungs.

(I eventually recover, of course. Then I go back to the lovable addled old irrational geezer you see now. Different, see?)

So I’ll be glad when this week is over, and I can go home tonight to a nice warm bed and sleep for as long as I want. And then I can wake up, grumble through a shower, and face the world anew. And most importantly, put this nasty napping business aside for a while. That should improve the outlook around here, at the very least. Because you don’t want to see me nap. You wouldn’t like me when I nap.

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “The Flap About Naps”

  1. LeeAnn says:

    6 cups of coffee and an hour later I’m fit to join the human race….I don’t wake up bright and cheerful either.

  2. Kerstin says:

    I don’t do naps either. I have the same condition. Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t breathe on me, just stay the hell away. When I’m ready, I’ll come to you, ok? OK.

    Unfortunately, I have temporary houseguests in my parents and my mother is Little Cindy Sunshine first thing in the morning. One of us may die soon. And it won’t be me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved