Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

A Cataclysmic Contest Entry

Besides writing regularly here — and here, and here — I also occasionally submit pieces to sites that actually can reject them.

And often, they do.

Such was (sort of) the case with the following snippet, which I flung over to Demockeracy, for their recent essay contest on ‘Real Estate’s Next Hot Spot’. You can’t ‘reject’ an entry for a contest, per se; the piece can only win, lose, or earn an ‘honorable mention’.

It didn’t win. It didn’t earn an ‘honorable mention’. You do the math; I’ve got a tub of ice cream to eat and a blanket to hide under for the next three days.

In the meantime, they didn’t seem to like the piece below, but maybe you will. Maybe they’re just located in California and don’t have a sense of humor about it. Who knows?

But if you’re looking for a fancy summer home where the tourists won’t bother you — for the next few to few thousand years, anyway — then read on.

Real Estate’s Next Hot Spot

Tired of those winter blahs, but can’t afford to buy an expensive house on the beach? Then we at the Cataclysmic Condominium Corporation have an exciting new real estate opportunity for you!

Located in sunny Searchlight, Nevada, our ‘soon-to-be-shoreline’ beachhouse condominiums are spacious, modern, and — best of all — affordable. That’s because Searchlight is currently a near-forgotten ghost town in the middle of the Mojave Desert. But when the ‘big one’ hits, sinking California thirty fathoms into the sea and bringing the Pacific Ocean right to the patios of these fabulous condos, will the prices stay this low? No way! That’s why you need to act now to get in on the ground floor.

Not literally the ‘ground floor’, of course; we’ve built our condominium complex on anchored stilts, anticipating the frothy ocean waves to come. Our brand new pier will one day jut majestically into two hundred yards of deep sea water. Jet ski rentals are already available — we’ve thought of everything!

“Earthquakes, tsunamis, global warming, meteor impacts, nuclear explosions, floods, erosion, and Justin Timberlake are just a few of the dire imminent threats to the very existence of the state of California.”

You’re a shrewd investor. We at Cataclysmic Condominiums appreciate that. You’re wondering how we can be so sure that three hundred miles of dry land west of Searchlight will soon be submerged into the Pacific. And the answer is — it’s inevitable! The list of natural and manmade disasters poised to doom California grows longer every day. Earthquakes, tsunamis, global warming, meteor impacts, nuclear explosions, floods, erosion, and Justin Timberlake are just a few of the dire imminent threats to the very existence of the state of California. And when it’s gone, who’ll be left to enjoy the sunny beaches? That’s right, you — in a Cataclysmic Condo in the tropical ocean paradise of Searchlight, Nevada.

So invest in one of our gorgeous units with all the comforts of home and an ocean view arriving soon. Disaster may not strike today, or tomorrow, or in the next hundred thousand years. But when it does, you can be one of the lucky few waiting with a beach towel and a margarita in hand to cash in. Come join us in Searchlight, where our motto is: “Someday, surf’s up!”

Permalink  |  1 Comment

One Response to “A Cataclysmic Contest Entry”

  1. Lori says:

    Charlie – A friend of mine had a beachhouse in Carmel by the Sea – until a little spring shower came through. He lost half his land and his entire house….I seem to remember last time I saw him, he was looking a lot like the old Howard Hughes, long fingernails and all…heading towards Spotlight.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved