Maybe a Cold Shower Would Be Easier

November 21, 2005

If you’re like me, you spend an awful lot of time thinking about something besides sex. Which is not at all like simply not thinking about sex. That’s easy. You can ‘not think about sex’ in your sleep. And that’s about the only time, if you’re one of those sad, perverted souls afflicted with a penis. Like me.

(That’s ‘like me, afflicted’, not ‘like me, penis’. You may go back to sleep now, Peanut Gallery. Thank you.)

But ‘thinking about something besides sex’ is harder. Much harder. Because you only have to think about something other than sex in those situations where you shouldn’t be thinking of sex, but you really, really want to. So — harder.And sometimes tingly. Those are the really desperate times.

But fear not, my crass, nymphorrific friends. I’m here to help — or at least to share with you my findings on how to stem the swelling lusty tide inside you. So maybe you fellows will stand a chance to save your dignity, next time a leggy dental hygienist asks you to spit, or a buxom doc tells you to turn your head and cough. And maybe it’ll save you girls a spot of embarrassment, when the rugged trainer at the gym helps you with your yoga positions, or the boyish scamp in the mail room slides a package into your slot. That’s your mail slot; don’t look at me like that. Sheesh; just like a woman.

Anyway, none of the following ideas have worked for me, but what the hell — maybe you people have cleaner minds than I do. On the other hand, maybe you’re already lubed up and frothy over that last paragraph, and this will just be fuel for your kinky little fire. Either way, here are a few things to think about — and not to think about — when you’re trying to be a good little boy or girl:

NOT SEXY: Getting arrested for lewdness.

SEXY: Being handcuffed and patted down.

NOT SEXY: Sharing a holding cell with Frankie the Pole. Who’s not Polish, by the way.

NOT SEXY: Baseball.

SEXY: Girls playing baseball, a la Geena Davis in A League of Their Own.

NOT SEXY: Rosie O’Donnell, in the same movie. Hell, I’d have rather seen Tom Hanks in that skirt. Erk.

NOT SEXY: “It rubs the lotion on its feet, or it gets the bunions.”

SEXY: “It rubs the lotion on its chest, or it gets the spanking.”

NOT SEXY: “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose.”

NOT SEXY: Bob Atcher

SEXY: Teri Hatcher

NOT SEXY: “Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!”

NOT SEXY: Muumuus.

SEXY: Crotchless underwear.

NOT SEXY: Crotchless muumuus. You’d never get lei’d again.

NOT SEXY: Watching a war movie with your sweetie; e.g., Saving Private Ryan.

SEXY: Watching a porn movie with your sweetie; e.g., Shaving Ryan’s Privates.

NOT SEXY: Watching a high school sex ed movie with your sweetie; e.g., Why Can’t We Save Ryan’s Privates?: Gonorrhea Is Hell, Soldier.

NOT SEXY: Charlize Theron, circa 2003.

SEXY: Charlize Theron, circa 2001.

NOT SEXY: Charlize Theron, circa 2005 — oh, who am I kidding? I think she just fluxed my aeon. Owie.

NOT SEXY: A striptease act by a person you don’t find attractive.

SEXY: A striptease act by a person you do find attractive.

NOT SEXY: A stripte– um, Grandma? What are you doing with that feather boa and the firemans’ pole, and DEAR GOD, MY EYES! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, folks. Color me spent.

And dammit — if you make something out of that, then there’s no hope for you. Perv.