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Charlie Hatton
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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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‘Cross Words’, Indeed

You know, sometimes being a smartass can really get you into trouble.

I’m sure this comes as a shock to some of you. Clearly, you haven’t been paying close attention to my life so far. Thanks. Thanks so much.

Anyway, this particular time in question, I was called into duty to help the wife with a crossword puzzle she was working. I’ve had a bit more experience with the trickier grids, given that I spend a fair amount of time working crosswords — as opposed to frittering away leisure time on piddly things like ‘working’, or ‘housework’, or ‘getting my shit together’. So, she called out clues to me, asking for help. Unfortunately, ‘help’ wasn’t quite what she received. Observe:

Her: Hey, what’s another word for ‘ass’?

Me: Um, ‘shitcutter’?

Her: Ew, gross! No — just, no. I think they mean the animal.

Me: Oh. How many letters?

Her: Six. Second letter is ‘o’.

Me: ‘Pooper’?

Her: Let’s just move on. How about this — fourteen down: ‘Inflatable party accessory’?

Me: How about ‘boobs’?

Her: Boobs? What kind of answer is that?

Me: Hey, what party wouldn’t be better with boobs? Inflatable boobs?

Her: Well… okay, I guess. It does start with ‘b’. But it’s eight letters.

Me: ‘Boobages’? ‘Breastys’? ‘Booblies’?

Her: No. Stop it.

Me: ‘Bustbags’?

Her: You’re an idiot. ‘Bustbags’?

Me: I’m only trying to help.

Her: Right. Then how about ‘hippo relative’? Got a real guess for that one?

Me: ‘Tom Arnold’?

Her: I don’t think so. And it’s five letters, smartass.

Me: Oooh! ‘Oprah’. What do I win?

Her: Hey, that’s actually not a bad — oh. No. It doesn’t fit.

Me: Heh. Imagine that. Maybe she’ll eat some of the letters in her path to make room.

Her: All right, settle down. What about sixty-one down: ‘Buzzing insect’?

Me: Erm. That Verizon guy?

Her: No. ‘That Verizon guy’ is not the answer, genius. It’s four letters, starts with ‘w’.

Me: ‘Wife’?

Her: Oh, would you look at that; I made a mistake. Actually, it’s 25 letters, and ends with ‘-leeping on the couch tonight’. Care to guess what it is?

Me: Um… no. I’ll be good.

Her: All right, then. Fifty-six down: fill in the blank — ‘Resting on one’s _______’.

Me: Oooh, ‘shitcutter’! We already did this one.

Her: No.

Me: ‘Turdlurcher’?

Her: No. And it starts with ‘l’.

Me: ‘Logdropper’, then. Is it ‘logdropper’? I bet it is.

Her: Absolutely not. Dammit, you’re no help at all. Just forget it.

Me: No, look, I’m sorry. Give me another one.

Her: All right — but only one more, if you’re just gonna be a smartass.

Me: I’ll really try, I promise.

Her: Okay. Twenty-one across: ‘Guilty pleasure’.

Me: How about ‘orgasm’?

Her: ‘Orgasm’ is a ‘guilty pleasure’? What are you, Catholic? No.

Me: Okay, how about ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’?

Her: No, that’s not a ‘guilty pleasure’. Well, maybe for some people, but–

Me: ‘Peeing in the shower’? Does ‘peeing in the shower’ fit?

Her: No. Ew! Look, just forget I–

Me: Wait, I can get this one. Is it ‘popsicles down the underpants’?

Her: I don’t even know what that–

Me: ‘Poodle porn’? ‘Stripper licking’? ‘Your grandma’s Christmas cleavage’? What’s the right answer?!?

Her: I… I will never work a crossword puzzle again, as long as I live. Or look at my grandmother’s holiday sweater without shuddering. Congratulations. I’m goin’ to bed.

So, yeah, I wasn’t a lot of help. But on the bright side, now I’ve got almost a whole empty crossword puzzle to work on. It’s not poodle porn, but still — that’s pretty good, eh?

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “‘Cross Words’, Indeed”

  1. RRaccoon says:

    Fucking awesome. Your wife is a saint for putting up with your shenanigans.

  2. Rachael says:

    Hi-larious. You should publish a book of crossword puzzles with those as the actual answers. You could market them as unsolvable because who would guess poodle porn?

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