Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

What I Imagine Hollywood Is Like

Hey, kiddies — before I get started tonight, I want to send some sweaty snugglebunnies out to those kind folks who took the time to nominate this humble little effort of mine for the Best of Blogs awards. Thanks, guys!

(You know who you are. And now — Mellie Helen, Christiane, and Chasmyn — so does everyone else! You guys rock!)

Also, while I’m throwing thanks around all willy-nilly, it was also awfully nice for Maria to devote a whole little post to linking to my nonsense about Blue’s Clues, from a while back. Thanks, Maria!

Okay — that was fun and all, but down to bidness now. Here we go.

So, I had an epiphany — gesundheit! — today about Spider-Man.

Which is not particularly commonplace for me — I’m not often struck with revelations regarding popular cartoon characters. I had to be told that Opus is a puffin, for instance. Or that Patty Bouvier is gay (as opposed to just mannishly asexual… like her twin sister). Or that Alice and Wally are secretly doin’ it on the side, to pass the time. Oh, no, wait — that one, I figured out. Everybody knows that.

(Of course, exactly what they’re doing is a matter of juicy speculation. Some people figure ’em for the ‘man on top, get it the hell over with’ type of couple. Others envision Alice letting her pointy hair down with some glory hole action with the Wallster in the cubicle farm.

Me, I’m somewhere in between. I can’t see them bumping uglies in public or anything, but I bet they get a little wild. I can see Wally liking it ‘Dogbert-style’. You know what I’m sayin’, people.)

Anyway, back to Spider-Man, before this gets any damned sillier.

So, I was thinking about it today, and I realized that the Spider-Man franchise really hasn’t been exploited (so far as I know, at least) the way the Superman and Batman characters have. Think about it — there’s been a Supergirl movie, a Superboy movie, and a TV, movie, and comic book Batgirl, to name a few.

But the Spidey spinoffs have been few and far between, with the few — *cough kaff* Spider-Girl *ahem* — executed really, really badly. For a while, I wondered why that is, exactly. I mean, they’re all big, nasty, mutated superheroes, right? They’ve all had their blockbuster movies — and sequels; don’t forget the sequels! — so why haven’t the Spider-Man near-clones popped up as often?

Then, I realized — it’s the theme song doing them in. No, really. I’ll explain.

What do you think of when you think of Superman? It’s that ‘speeding bullet’ and ‘tall buildings’ thing, right? And that’s easy to adapt — you can dream up Super kids, and Super uncles, and even Super hot wet grannies.

(Oh, no, wait. That last one’s a porn site. Um… never mind. Scratch the hot wet grannies. Wait, no, don’t do that — that’s nasty. I mean — er, yeah. Just never mind.)

And Batman — well, hell, all he’s got is that ‘na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Batman!‘ thing. That works for anything. Bat-girl, Bat-boy, Bat-bitch, Bat-ass — pretty much, if it’s two syllables, you can jam it in there at the end.

Ah, but then there’s Spider-Man. He’s got actual fuckin’ lyrics to contend with:

Spider-Man, Spider-Man —

Does whatever a spider can!

And therein lies the problem, you see. The lyrics are the web-encrusted kiss of death for any new spidery thing to come along. Because for any new character in the Spidey mold you want to create, you’ve got to work some version of the song around them, too. And that’s not as easy as it sounds, people. Not by half.

As a matter of fact, it’s pretty fricking hard. And the marketing boobjobs who come up with this shit aren’t the brightest torches on the wall, either, so they’d have an especially hard time making it work. Here’s the conversation I imagine happening, somewhere in Hollywood, a few months before that Spider-Man 2 movie came out:

Marketing Weenie #1: Jeez, that Spider-Man movie went well, huh? We cleaned up on that one.

Marketing Weenie #2: Yeah, not bad. But what he really needs is a sidekick. Something we can launch off into a new product. ‘Cause that Beemer I bought last year is starting to get dirty — it’s time for a cash injection.

MW#1: Agreed. But what to do? What’s gonna bring in the kids?

MW#2: How about ‘Spider-Woman’? A couple of webbed-up boobs oughta put ’em in the seats. That’s thexy!

MW#1: I dunno… a broad who’s a spider? Like, who’s got eight eyes, back hair, and shoots silk out her ass? Sounds like my ex-wife…

MW#2: Nah, it’ll be good. Trust me. We’ll sex it up, no problem.

MW#1: Fine. But we’ve still got to update the theme song. Whatcha gonna do with that?

MW#2: Right. Well… how’s this:

Spider-Woman, Spider-Woman —

Um… this is her song you will be hummin’!

MW#1: Dude. ‘Song you will be hummin’?‘ You’re a frickin’ moron.

MW#2: Well, it’s a first pass. Hey, can we rhyme ‘Woman’ with ‘Portman’ somehow? I smell jingle tie-ins, if we get the right actress…

MW#1: No. For the love of god, no. What else you got?

MW#2: We could try Spider-Boy:

Spider-Boy, Spider-Boy —

He… erm… plays with all of his spider toys?

MW#1: Spider toys? That’s what you’ve got?

MW#2: Sure. We could put ’em in Happy Meals. Big money.

MW#1: Nice. Have I told you lately that you’re a moron? Try again.

MW#2: Okay, let’s go for… Spider-Kid. It’s even gender-neutral:

Spider-Kid, Spider-Kid —

Don’ stuff just like Spidey did.

MW#1: Okay, that one’s catchier, I guess. Not terribly damned specific, though, is it?

MW#2: Well, we could always replace ‘doin’ stuff‘, I guess. How about ‘bustin’ heads‘?

MW#1: Too violent.

MW#2: ‘Livin’ life‘?

MW#1: Wishy-washy.

MW#2: ‘Knockin’ boots‘?

MW#1: Too far.

MW#2: ‘Droppin’ trou‘?

MW#1: And… yes. We’ve hit rock bottom. Congratulations, you’re still a moron. What else?

MW#2: Spider-Cow?

MW#1: Moving on.

MW#2: Spider-Mom?

MW#1: Wait, don’t tell me — is she ‘living in a big wigwam‘?

MW#2: What, no good?

MW#1: Next.

MW#2: Um… what about Spider-Chick?

MW#1: Well, we might lose the feminists a bit there, but —


Spider-Chick, Spider-Chick —

She’s not Spider-Man ’cause she’s… uh, got no dick?

MW#1: Yeah… yeah, I think we definitely might lose the feminist crowd with that one. Just a hunch, there, Einstein.

MW#2: Spider-Dog?

MW#1: Dumb.

MW#2: Spider-Ant?

MW#1: Not even possible.

MW#2: Spider-Foot?

MW#1: Crazy talk.

MW#2: Would you believe… Spider-Ass?

MW#1: The donkey, or the rear end?

MW#2: Which is better?

MW#1: Neither. You’re a douchebag. Now stop it.

MW#2: Spider-Boob? It’d rhyme with ‘lube’.

MW#1: You know… I’m pretty sure this isn’t gonna work. And I’m now convinced that you were dropped on your head as a child. Onto a railroad spike. Quite possibly rusty. How do you even tie your fuckin’ shoes, man?

MW#2: Um… I’m wearing sandals. It’s California — we’re all wearing sandals.

MW#1: Touche, my dim-witted friend. Fine. How about this — what if we just screw all of this and make a damned sequel, eh? Just Spider-Man — no chicks, no kids, no freakin’ cows. Just him, again, doin’ the same shit over again. How would that be?

MW#2: Wait… wouldn’t people see right through that? I mean, come on — I wanna rake in the money, too, but that’ll just piss ’em off, won’t it?

MW#1: Hey, we stuffed what, seven Rockys down their throat? Nine? Twelve? These people’ll watch anything, so long as we tell ’em the original was any good.

MW#2: Well, all right, then. Call the studio, and let’s get it on. Just know one thing, though.

MW#1: What’s that?

MW#2: I’m keeping the rights to ‘Spider-Boob’. That shit is gonna be porno gold someday! Gold, I tells ya!

And that, friends, is the story of how Spider-Man 2 came to be. Betcha won’t see that shit on the director’s cut DVD version. Yow.

All right, then — that was fun and all, but my ‘spidey sense’ is telling me that it’s two-thirty in the fricking morning. And I’ve got a big day planned tomorrow, so I’m hitting the sack. Don’t let the bed-spiders bite, people. I’m out.

Permalink  |  5 Comments

5 Responses to “What I Imagine Hollywood Is Like”

  1. Zette says:

    You are damned funny…….could probably use some therapy, but…….DAMNED FUNNY!

  2. SilverBubble says:

    I do believe that even therapy would not be enough for Charlie. Which is fine by me, becuase it would ruin a beautiful (sick, but beautiful) thing.

  3. To friggen funny! I vote for Spider Chick. :)

  4. To friggen funny! I vote for Spider Chick. :)

  5. Lois Lane says:

    I “found” you on a link for the BOB awards. Didn’t know you were lost did you? You have a great site, very funny!

    Lois Lane

    P.S. Thanks Mellie Helen, Christiane, and Chasmyn for nominating his site!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved