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‘Tis the Listing Season

What with it being the holidays and all, I thought I’d take the opportunity to make a few lists in honor of the various occasions. Specifically, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, and New Years’ Eve. But not necessarily in that order. Although, the lists are in that order, so I suppose it is in that order, after all. Just this once.

You’ll also find these holiday gems on the Big List of Lists page. I’m putting them there, too, to pad the content in both areas, and to give me an excuse to mention the sparkly new feature yet again.

Because it’s the holidays, see — what better time to advertise shamelessly, manipulate the populace, and be lazy all at the same time? Hey, I may see the eggnog glass as ‘half empty’ this time of year, but I still know the game. Ho ho freakin’ ho, dammit.

Anyway, on with the lists. I couldn’t quite get to every holiday that’s going on around now, so I’ll apologize up front to any of you druids, wiccans, Hindus, hippies, Gaians, pagans, satanists, puritans, Buddhists, flying spaghetti monster followers, UFO freaks, carny folk, and Belgians. Sorry. Maybe next year. Till then, here’s what’s on the menu:

Lessons Learned This Christmas

Some people’s Christmas trees look like they were decorated by a one-legged lobotomized orangutan with ADD issues. Still, it’s usually best to not actually say that when the tree owner asks what you think.

There are very few social circles in which it is appropriate to replace the words ‘O Tannenbaum’ in the Christmas carol with ‘Oh, Turdy Bum’. My family is not one of those circles.

Should the presents containing the edible thong you bought your wife and the full-length nightie you purchased for your grandmother somehow get mixed up, you want to clear things up as quickly as humanly possible. No good can come from that.

In some circles, it’s considered bad form to return your Christmas gifts. It’s especially frowned upon to open a present, demand the receipt, and drive immediately to the mall to exchange the gift for ‘something that doesn’t blow goats’.

At no time while your spouse or significant other is modeling new Christmas clothes should the word ‘Sta-Puft’ come out of your mouth. Trust me.

‘What the hell is that supposed to be?‘ is usually not the proper reaction when opening a present. Or when commenting on your wife’s candy cane cookies.

‘Regifting’ and ‘underwear’ are not two great tastes that taste great together. Particularly if you tried them out first. And accidentally wore them backwards. And played squash in them.

It’s widely believed that department store Santas despise having their beards pulled by small children, above all else. But in truth, they’re far less patient with a middle-aged man sitting on their lap and asking for a bag of toys down his chimney this year.

Next up, it’s:

Adjectives That May Be Used to Complete the Phrase ‘Have a ________ Kwanzaa’

Krazee

Kool

Phat

Cadbury (just you wait; the ad guys’ll think of it eventually)

Kollosal

Jiggy

Killer

Kornucopial

High-Kwality

Next, in honor of the Chanukah menorah candles, it’s eight:

Songs Made More Compelling By Replacing ‘You’ with ‘Jews’ in the Title and Lyrics

‘I Want Jews to Want Me’ — Cheap Trick

‘Can’t Stand Losing Jews’ — The Police

‘Jews Are So Beautiful (to Me)’ — Joe Cocker

‘I Got Jews, Babe’ — Sonny and Cher

‘Don’t Jews Want Me, Baby?’ — HUman League

‘Jews Shook Me All Night Long’ — AC/DC

‘What I Like About Jews’ — The Romantics

‘I Will Always Love Jews’ — Whitney Houston

Finally, a moment of self-reflection as we’re flung into the new year:

New Years’ Resolutions, with Corollaries

Lose weight. (Investigate vacuum cleaner as possible liposuction instrument. Test on dog first.)

Work harder at the office. (Blog four hours a day, instead of three.)

Give more to charity. (One dollar at a time, via G-string deposit. Those poor, poor, hot, poor girls.)

Search for inner peace. (Unless finding it involves an enema. If inner peace is up my pooper somehow, then it’s staying put.)

Be better organized and more efficient. (Surely, there’s a way to fit six martinis into a lunch, right?)

Do unto others as I’d have them do unto me. (Especially if the ‘doing’ involves hot fudge and a slinky. Rawr!)

Stop flinging dog poop into the neighbor’s yard. (Fling dog instead.)

Eat healthier. (Fine. I’ll stop putting bacon bits in my hot fudge sundaes. Happy?)

Do little things to show my wife I love her. (Hey, what the hell are you calling a ‘little thing’? Oh. Right.)

Never, ever again decide that a bunch of holiday lists will make a good post. (But hit submit on this train wreck, anyway. It’s party time!)