Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

McSweeneys 1, Charlie 0

They say that ‘closure’ is a good thing. Good or bad, it’s best to know your fate, as opposed to being left clueless and anxious. Any news is good news, and so on. At least, that’s the theory.

Well, today I received my first rejection email from McSweeney’s, saying that they’re not interested in using the list I sent them. So that whole ‘closure’ theory bites hippo hootchie, right about now.

Actually, no — it doesn’t. That’s not fair, really. Honestly, I appreciate the response, and the editor was very nice with his reply. Plus, you know what this means, right? If they don’t want this list, then you get it. Right here, and also on the Big List of Lists page.

(Yeah, I know — you probably don’t ‘want’ it, either. But you’re ‘getting’ it, anyway, so ‘wanting’ it isn’t terribly relevant at this point. So ‘cram’ it. Figuratively speaking, of course.)

Of course, it also means that McSweeney’s gets another list, as I try, try again to even up the score. Meanwhile, enjoy the rejected substandard dregs of fluff below.

Only, you know, put a better ‘spin’ on it first. No reason to go into the thing with the wrong attitude, now, is there?

Sue Grafton’s Less Successful Murder Mystery Series

‘A’ is for Asthma Attack

‘B’ is for Belt Sander Accident

‘C’ is for Complications from Minor Surgery

‘D’ is for Drunken Bet

‘E’ is for Euthanasia

‘F’ is for Feeding the Bears

‘G’ is for Groping a Truck Driver

‘H’ is for Hypothermia

‘I’ is for Industrial Solvent Spill

‘J’ is for Juggling Machetes

‘K’ is for Krispy Kreme Overdose

‘L’ is for Lactose Intolerance

‘M’ is for Morbid Obesity

‘N’ is for Natural Causes

‘O’ is for “Old Age-itis”

‘P’ is for Petting the Wrong Doberman

‘Q’ is for Questioning Authority

‘R’ is for Running with Scissors

‘S’ is for Shellfish Allergy

‘T’ is for Trampolining While Intoxicated

‘U’ is for Underestimating the Power of Cheese

‘V’ is for Vasectomy Gone Horribly Wrong

‘W’ is for Wood Chipper

‘X’ is for X-Ray Technician Negligence

‘Y’ is for “You Really Let Me Get All the Way to Y?”

‘Z’ is for “Zowie! You Stopped Paying Attention Around ‘G’, Didn’t You?”