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My New Year’s Resolution: Stop Blogging About This Goddamned Illness!

Whew.

Not ‘whee‘, exactly, but at least ‘whew‘. I think the worst of my little holiday illness is behind me. I don’t know who the hell dropped a tab of pissed-off bacteria in my Christmas eggnog in the first place, but I think my immune system has finally begun to defend itself. Unfortunately, that means my body is now working to expel the attackers, through whatever orifice it deems convenient at the time. And my body’s notion of ‘convenient’ is just a tad more all-encompassing than mine. I’m pretty sure I have phlegm coming out of my navel right now. And I’m not even gonna tell you what’s been going on… um, ‘around back’ lately. Let’s just say I’ve been getting a lot of reading done. Yeah. Ahem. Moving on, then.

In other health-related news, my teeth seem to be roughly ten percent bigger than they were. For some reason, my whole mouth just feels… wrong. Maybe my glands are swollen or something; I dunno. It just doesn’t seem like there’s as much chewing room in there as there used to be. I bet that’s where all the damned bacteria or viruseses are hiding, the bastards. They’re probably stowed away in there between my cheeks, hiding out from my immune system. Stinkin’ vermin bugs, screwing up my mouth like that. Screw that, man — I’ll Listerine those fuckers out of there. And if that doesn’t fix it… well, I don’t know what I’ll try next. Drano, maybe, or battery acid. Paint thinner, if I can find any. One way or another, I’ll get those little bugs the hell out of my mouth. They’ve caused me enough grief as it is. And I’ve gotta get ’em out before my body finds ’em. If my body gets hold of those things, it’s gonna kick ’em out the loooong way. And, like I said, I’m already getting plenty of reading done as it is. I don’t need that.

Um, okay, sorry. I’ll try to write the rest of this entry without mentioning any more about what’s coming out of my ass. Really, I don’t think I’m normally quite so preoccupied with such things. But I have been sick for the past few days, and I am watching South Park right now… so maybe it’s understandable. What? No? Well, shit — drink some more champagne, dammit. Drink until it’s understandable.

(Or until phlegm starts coming out of your navel. Seriously, don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my belly button. Or… um, something.)

Well. This is certainly one for the annals, isn’t it? Awright, screw it. It’s almost midnight — I’m gonna go back to watching South Park and drinking my NyQuil-Chloraseptic highballs. I’ll try to do better next year. Happy 2004, everybody!