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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

I Never Knew I Was So Big in Michigan

Well, that’s cool.

Recently, the traffic-tracking service that I use for this site has added a new feature. Now, they try — and usually succeed, as far as I can tell — to determine what city an incoming visit is coming from. So while I still can’t associate a who with some of the more interesting search requests that bring people here, I can at least imagine a where. For instance, in the past fourteen hours or so:

  • Someone from Memphis, TN is interested in seeing me “secretly masturbate”. (Probably not. No one wants to see that — as I’ve been told many times. Or maybe the person’s just curious — do they do it out in the open in Tennessee?)
  • A gentleman (presumably) from Loves Park, IL writes in to say, “my wife’s armpits stink”. (Sorry to hear that, sir. Perhaps you could scare her up some Secret roll-on around the Chicago area. It’s ‘strong enough for a man’, so you should be more than happy with the choice.)
  • Another gentleman (wild guess) from Miami, FL is apparently interested in “testicular massage”. (Look, I don’t care if I am the #4 Google hit for it — you’re not getting any from me. Take that guy-from-Memphis’ advice, and leave me out of your little reindeer games. Ew.)
  • One chap (pretty obvious by now, eh?) from Okemos, MI is particularly Google-savvy, arriving here in his search for “julia child porn -food naked”. (Wait, lemme get this straight — Julia Child and porn and naked… but not food? Where’s the fun in that? If she isn’t elbow deep in turkey giblets, then what the point, really?)
  • A dude (I’ve given up; only men are searching the web these days, apparently) from Sweden — all the way from Sweden, mind you! — came looking for “bulgarian hookers”. (Sven, you’re getting colder. You are a lot closer to them than I am here in the states. Unless there’s some sort of Bulgaria-to-Boston boink babe trade route that I don’t know about. Wait — is there? Really. I’d like to know. Honest.)
  • Another guy from Marysville, MI was up late last night in his quest for “pooping cheerleaders”. (Look, I’ve got nothing. How does one respond to such a thing? And who’s gonna want to use those pom-poms again after that? ‘Give me a number two! Yay!’)
  • A user (hey, could be a woman this time!) from Paia, HI stopped by, looking for “hell”. (Finally! Now that I can help you with. Just read two posts, and call me in the afterlife. That oughta do the trick. And what’s someone living in a paradise like Hawai’i doing looking for ‘hell’, anyway? You just trying to piss the rest of us off?)
  • Some dude (back to the dudes… dammit) from Pocatello, ID (where else?) thinks he wants to know about “penal implants”. (Buddy, unless you’re planning on breaking into prison somewhere, I think what you’re really looking for is ‘penile implants’. Oh, and a dictionary. Not spelling too well up in Idaho these days, are we?)
  • Another intrepid visitor from Auburn, MI (what the hell are they putting in the drinking water up in Michigan?) wants more information regarding “underwear wedgie techniques”. (First of all, dude — that’s redundant. You can’t exactly ‘wedgie’ an Oxford shirt. Or if you can, then I’d like to see that. And secondly, how much technique do you need? Rip it and grip it, baby. It’s pretty straightforward. Really.)
  • Then there’s the guy (yes, guy) from Beyreuth in Germany who’d like to peep a “tragic nipslip”. (What? Like, some girl’s blouse flying loose while she’s falling off a building? Or an inadvertant boobflop in the middle of a delicate negotiation that leads to war? I don’t think I get it. Unless you want to see my nip slip out sometime. Because that would be ‘tragic’. Again I say: ‘Ew.’)
  • How about the gent from Whittier, CA looking for “testicle manipulation”? (Dude… are you sure you’re not from Michigan?)
  • Or the person (gender indeterminate) from Troy, MI (that’s better!), who asks, “how did i get this arm flab”? (Sorry, I can’t say for sure. But I’m guessing that Googling for it, instead of putting down the Ho-Hos and taking a jog around the block, isn’t helping. Also — you might want to get the hell out of Michigan. I think there’s something in the water.)
  • Next, there’s the (presumably) young (obviously) man from Astoria, NY, who wants to know, “what dose it mean when girls nipples poke out there shirt”? (Firstly, bud, if you don’t know, I’m not going to be the one to tell you. Secondly? If the nipplage is actually poking through ‘there’ (sic) shirts, then it’s far colder in New York than I’ve been led to believe. And thirdly — you’re not also looking for ‘penal’ implants, by any chance, are you?)
  • Finally, last and certainly not least, there’s the user from — untrackable by the software, possibly in a foxhole in some classified location, using the web to gather intelligence data — whose query concerns, of all things, “cartoon nutsacks”. (Well, I can see that the military efforts are running like a well-oiled machine this morning. And perhaps a little better oiled soon, if that search ever turns up the piccies it’s looking for. Carry on, soldier! Saaaa-lute!)
    Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “I Never Knew I Was So Big in Michigan”

  1. Lassa says:

    That was some funny shit! You crack me up.

  2. Lushlyme says:

    I get the feeling that the Astoria boy is 8-10(judging from my kids spelling online).. Good call on not passing on the info to him. Let him get it on the streets like the rest of us!

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