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Charlie Hatton
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No, Goddammit, I Did Not Say, ‘Cheezit’!

As a follow-up to last night’s post about Law and Order, I thought of something else that’s missing in my life.

I need a ‘street name’.

(Okay, so the fact that I put ‘street name’ in quotes probably means that I don’t deserve a ‘street name’. Well, big fat tough noogies. I want one, anyway. Fuck da po-lice.

Yeah, that oughta make up for the quotes. Hell yeah, bee-yatch.)

Anyway, the primary perp last night was a young gentleman known as ‘Slug’ on the streets. He has a real name, which nobody cared about and I can’t remember right now, but everybody in the ‘hood knew him as ‘Slug’. And that’s cool.

(What’s not cool, of course, as Chasmyn commented, is that the good guys didn’t end up getting their man.

[Sorry if you’ve TiVoed it and not watched it yet. Hey, don’t look at me — Chasmyn said it first!]

That’s okay, though — I think the folks at Law and Order know what they’re doing. If they got the bad guy absolutely every time, it would eventually get old. As it is, their ninety-plus percent success rate at locking guilty bastards away has got to be wildly unrealistic.

And that’s what really sucks. Sure, the cops can plant a pissant parking prick beside my car to write out a ticket the millisecond that meter expires, yet O.J. continues to walk the streets. In Armani suits. And Rolex watches. Dammit.)

Anyway, back to more important things. Just like ‘Slug’ on the show last night, I, too have a name which nobody cares about and I often can’t remember. And so, I’ve determines that I need a street name. Now I’ve just got to decide what it should be.

So, let’s see… well, ‘Slug’ is already taken, I suppose, so that’s out. Maybe I should look to famous people with street names for inspiration.

How about ‘Ghostface Killah’ from the Wu-Tang Clan? Remember him? Of course, I don’t have quite as much street cred as Ghostface, so I’d have to change it up a bit. ‘Sleepyface Gangsta’, maybe? How about ‘Paleface Jokah’? No? ‘Clownface Goobah’? All right, never mind. This one’s not working out.

How about ‘Biggie Smalls’? I could always be ‘Largey Littles’. Or ‘Pudgy Shorts’. ‘Fatty Arbuckle’? Damn.

Maybe I shouldn’t look to famous people with street names for inspiration. *sigh*

I can still pull this together, though. I can have a street name based on my real name. You know, like J-Lo, or K-Mart, or P Diddy (which is a ‘real-name play’ off his last street name, Puff Daddy, which came from his original street name, Puffy; dude’s got more names than Anna Nicole got Twinkies — oooh, snap, yo!).

Okay, so that helps a little. I suppose I could be ‘C-Dog’, or ‘C Diddy’. Or… um, I dunno, ‘Chucky Cheese’? Oh, dammit.

Okay, here we go — I got it, I got it — I’ll be ‘da Chizzit’. How’s that? Or, if you prefer, ‘da Chiznit’. Yeah, that’ll work. I can totally see myself livin’ large and pimpin’ da hos as ‘da Chiznit‘. Aw, hell yeah.

Okay, wow, I’m glad we got that cleared up. It was touch and go there for a while (I really thought I was gonna get stuck with ‘Clowngface Goobah’ in the end), but I think we’ve put together a plan we can all live with. So now, when you see me on the street, don’t just walk up and say,

Hey, Charlie, how’s it going today?

Naw. We ain’t playin’ that way no more. From here on out, you see me in the ‘hood, I wanna hear,

Yo, yo, Chiznit — what’s the fo’ one one, dog?

I think we’ll have much more fun that way, don’t you? Word. You know, to your mother, and all. Peace out.

Permalink  |  11 Comments

11 Responses to “No, Goddammit, I Did Not Say, ‘Cheezit’!”

  1. P says:

    word up Chiznit…

  2. logtar says:

    Sorry Charlie, Chiznit is already taken as a commonly used word in the hood. Chiznit refers to something being awesome… if something is the shit… is the Chiznit. I guess you could still run with it, and say Charlie you are the Shit.

  3. Charlie says:

    Damn, logtar — and I thought bein’ the Chiznit would be the shiznit, too. Bitches!

    I guess I can still be da Chizzit, but suddenly that’s starting to look like one of those godforsaken Olympic mascot names we’re beaten over the head with every four years. Damn.

    This ‘street name’ thing is harder than I thought. Fo’ chizzle.

  4. Bob says:

    How bout The “Eradicator”


    Anyways, you also need to figure out what your 40oz of choice will be.

    You have Schlitz Blue Bull-but all the homeys bin thurr dun that.

    You have Steel Reserve-even though its

    got a cool name I’d pass.

    You have Golden Champale-they even have Pink Champale for those days when your looking for the taste of the Golden without the bitterness.

    You can’t overlook an oldie but goodie Colt 45-nuff said.

    I’d go with St. Ides though. Anything thats good enough for Masta Killa and the rest of the Wu-Tang Clan is good enough for me.

  5. Charlie says:

    Bob, great point — I almost forgot about the 40’s I’m gonna need to chill with my homies.

    But I already got my brand picked out, from my days way back on the rough streets of “da ‘burgh” — my malt liquor is gonna be the Laser. Now that’s living the high life!

  6. M says:

    How about ‘Clarence The Betitted’?

    Ok, so it sucks… at least it’s not taken.

    As far as your 40 goes, doy, it’s gotta be Countrytime.

  7. garybibb says:

    i have so found the perfect solution for you. go here: />

    it is a wu-tang name generator. you can keep tweeking your name till you get something you like. i am the action packed mentalist fah shizzle mah nizzle it’s the b-i double bizzle.

  8. M says:

    Fine. How about Clarence the Betizzled?

  9. Veezer says:

    Forget the Country time…hit the Early Time. 40s are for those with no imaginationizzle.

  10. Joe says:

    How about El Charlito?

  11. Monkey says:

    uninspired, yet strangely pt – Chuckles? Chuckie? C-lo?

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