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No, Goddammit, I Did Not Say, ‘Cheezit’!

As a follow-up to last night’s post about Law and Order, I thought of something else that’s missing in my life.

I need a ‘street name’.

(Okay, so the fact that I put ‘street name’ in quotes probably means that I don’t deserve a ‘street name’. Well, big fat tough noogies. I want one, anyway. Fuck da po-lice.

Yeah, that oughta make up for the quotes. Hell yeah, bee-yatch.)

Anyway, the primary perp last night was a young gentleman known as ‘Slug’ on the streets. He has a real name, which nobody cared about and I can’t remember right now, but everybody in the ‘hood knew him as ‘Slug’. And that’s cool.

(What’s not cool, of course, as Chasmyn commented, is that the good guys didn’t end up getting their man.

[Sorry if you’ve TiVoed it and not watched it yet. Hey, don’t look at me — Chasmyn said it first!]

That’s okay, though — I think the folks at Law and Order know what they’re doing. If they got the bad guy absolutely every time, it would eventually get old. As it is, their ninety-plus percent success rate at locking guilty bastards away has got to be wildly unrealistic.

And that’s what really sucks. Sure, the cops can plant a pissant parking prick beside my car to write out a ticket the millisecond that meter expires, yet O.J. continues to walk the streets. In Armani suits. And Rolex watches. Dammit.)

Anyway, back to more important things. Just like ‘Slug’ on the show last night, I, too have a name which nobody cares about and I often can’t remember. And so, I’ve determines that I need a street name. Now I’ve just got to decide what it should be.

So, let’s see… well, ‘Slug’ is already taken, I suppose, so that’s out. Maybe I should look to famous people with street names for inspiration.

How about ‘Ghostface Killah’ from the Wu-Tang Clan? Remember him? Of course, I don’t have quite as much street cred as Ghostface, so I’d have to change it up a bit. ‘Sleepyface Gangsta’, maybe? How about ‘Paleface Jokah’? No? ‘Clownface Goobah’? All right, never mind. This one’s not working out.

How about ‘Biggie Smalls’? I could always be ‘Largey Littles’. Or ‘Pudgy Shorts’. ‘Fatty Arbuckle’? Damn.

Maybe I shouldn’t look to famous people with street names for inspiration. *sigh*

I can still pull this together, though. I can have a street name based on my real name. You know, like J-Lo, or K-Mart, or P Diddy (which is a ‘real-name play’ off his last street name, Puff Daddy, which came from his original street name, Puffy; dude’s got more names than Anna Nicole got Twinkies — oooh, snap, yo!).

Okay, so that helps a little. I suppose I could be ‘C-Dog’, or ‘C Diddy’. Or… um, I dunno, ‘Chucky Cheese’? Oh, dammit.

Okay, here we go — I got it, I got it — I’ll be ‘da Chizzit’. How’s that? Or, if you prefer, ‘da Chiznit’. Yeah, that’ll work. I can totally see myself livin’ large and pimpin’ da hos as ‘da Chiznit‘. Aw, hell yeah.

Okay, wow, I’m glad we got that cleared up. It was touch and go there for a while (I really thought I was gonna get stuck with ‘Clowngface Goobah’ in the end), but I think we’ve put together a plan we can all live with. So now, when you see me on the street, don’t just walk up and say,

‘Hey, Charlie, how’s it going today?‘

Naw. We ain’t playin’ that way no more. From here on out, you see me in the ‘hood, I wanna hear,

‘Yo, yo, Chiznit — what’s the fo’ one one, dog?‘

I think we’ll have much more fun that way, don’t you? Word. You know, to your mother, and all. Peace out.