Don't Even Ask What I Thought 'Organic' Meant

June 12, 2004

Don’t Even Ask What I Thought ‘Organic’ Meant

Have you ever noticed — whenever ‘testicular’ comes up in conversation, there’s never anything good following it? Seriously, for an adjective that you’d think guys would be pretty sensitive about, it’s never used in a positive way. It’s always ‘testicular cancer’, or ‘testicular hemmorhaging’, or ‘testicular painful throbbing’. Isn’t that kind of sad?

I mean, can’t we just occasionally throw ‘testicular’ a bone? Every once in a while, can’t somebody mention ‘testicular massage’, or ‘testicular aromatherapy’, or even ‘testicular non-painful throbbing’? Must we pre-wince, every single time we hear the word ‘testicular’? That’s all I’m saying.

On a related note, all of this reminds me — once again, just like a couple of weeks ago — how easy it is to confuse certain similar-sounding words. Like… oh, I don’t know, not to flaunt my own embarrassing boobery, but let’s say… ‘testicular’ and ‘vehicular’. Just for instance.

I suppose the distinction shouldn’t have been too hard to figure out — ‘vehicular cancer’ doesn’t make much sense. And ‘testicular homicide’… well, that’s just silly. Not because such a thing couldn’t happen, of course. But if it did, clearly it would be called ‘death by testes’. Much catchier. And shorter. It just makes sense.

For those who are wondering, I never had the same linguistic switchery happen with ‘vaginal’. Maybe there just aren’t many words that sound like ‘vaginal’. Or maybe it just never came up in conversation much — clearly, that wasn’t a concept that I had much experience with during my early, formative, and more easily confused years. Obsessed with? Sometimes. Experienced with? No. Sadly, no.

If it’s any consolation, though, I did have trouble for a while keeping ‘clitoris’ straight from ‘Lavoris’, which is the mouthwash brand my grandfather uses. You can no doubt imagine what a confusing childhood I had. I had a whole other thing in mind about what ‘minty fresh breath’ entails. And boy, was I ever surprised to find out the truth. Twice. I’ll never look at dental hygeine quite the same way again.