Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Troubling Thoughts About Sandwiches

Is there anything more pitiful than the look your dog gives you when you’ve just finished a sandwich without giving her any? Because if there is, I haven’t seen it.

Honestly, you’d think she’d have been more disappointed with us when we had her spayed. Or neutered, whichever it is you do to girl pets.

(Which is to say, whichever it is you’re supposed to do to girl pets. What you people actually do to your girl pets is between you and your veterinarians. I don’t want to hear about it — I barely sleep at night as it is.)

Anyway, that didn’t seem to faze her. Sure, she spent the next couple of days sleeping it off, but I never saw that hurt, longing, disapproving look from her when we had her de-genderated. But scarf down a BLT without tossing her a crust, and she’ll make you feel like you just dropped a tractor on her mother. I don’t get it — since when are ovaries less important than egg salad? Seems like a problem with priorities to me, but what the hell do I know? Right now, I don’t have ovaries or a sandwich.

Hey, speaking of pitiful looks and sandwiches — is that really Hootie shilling fast food on those Burger King commercials? Maybe it’s not — hell, maybe it’s not even supposed to be; I’m not so good with my wussy-rock pop references — but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t look like Hootie, parading around with a guitar and crooning about bacon cheddar ranch something-or-others.

(And by the way, is that thing the most ridiculously long-windedest-named damned sandwich, or what? The full name of the godforsaken thing is apparently the ‘tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch sandwich’.

Who the hell makes a six-word sandwich and unleashes it on the public? Look, the Dagwood is three feet tall, and it barely needs six letters. And you don’t see Boy George prancing around and singing about it, either. What was wrong with the ‘Whopper’, anyway?)

All right — what the hell was I talking about, anyway? Sandwiches? Hootie? My dog’s ovaries?

Eh, this seems like a good time to stop. Those three things can’t be good in any combination. And it’s probably best not to think too hard, trying to imagine a combo that is good. That’s just creepy, folks.

Permalink  |  5 Comments

5 Responses to “Troubling Thoughts About Sandwiches”

  1. #Debi says:

    From what I understand, that is in fact Hootie. (I’m not that familiar with any of the Blowfish to know what they look like.) And they took a perfectly good song from ‘Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?’ and turned it into that. I hear the sandwich is good, tho’…

  2. Daniella says:

    You are correct Charlie, it is indeed Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish. And another “star/celebrity” making an appearance in that awful ad is none other than E!’s former Wild On host – Brooke Burke (she’s on the swing at the end of the commercial.)

    And while we’re on the subject – I got the “sex sells” memo, but since when do black men dressed as “Liberace’s version of a cowboy” sell?

  3. Jason says:

    OK, Charlie, I’m gonna call stalker alert. Or at least “imitation is the best flattery” alert. Not that I haven’t lifted more than a few dozen phrases, words, concepts, and maybe more than a few wholesale blog entries from you but you must read mine about this subject and realize I just got a couple of days ahead of you on this.

    Either that or the blog world is on fire with obligatory Hootie/Burger King entries.

    The bonus is that I just found online where you can watch the commercial (if you feel the need to ogle. Hi Vida!) but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to capture the .wmv.

  4. nita says:

    i never see television and when i do and HOOTIE is singing for BK, i just turn it right back off….

    and if you’d like your dog to tone down on the guilt/begging, put all treats only in her dish. she’ll maybe learn not to look to you while you’re eating. i had to do that cuz of the pools of drool HObbes makes…

  5. Warlord says:

    Burgers are good, Sex is fun. This ad is the best ad ever.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved