Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Less-Than-Special Deliveries

If you’re anything like me, you take every possible opportunity to eliminate those pesky domestic chores. And one of my least favorites, without a doubt, is making the schlep to the grocery store for provisions. I first professed my distaste for supermarket shopping more than three years ago in these pages, so you know I’m serious about it.

(I can change my mind on anything in three years; apparently, ‘food shopping’ is one of my more deep-seated rabid phobias. If only ‘Boston baked beans’ and ‘reality TV’ had been so well ingrained, I’d have been spared a lot of grief. And I’d probably still have my favorite pair of jeans.)

For a while, I convinced my wife to try online supermarkets. We’ve had several e-grocers available locally, Peapod and now-defunct Home Runs among them. For a few months, buying groceries online was the only method we used to get delicious goodies into the house.

It was, looking back, one of our more spectacularly-failing domestic experiments ever. Right up there with ‘Let’s Paint the Dining Room!’ (her idea), ‘Pants-Optional Sundays’ (mine), and ‘The Unfortunate Oatmeal Incident of 2002’.

“It was, looking back, one of our more spectacularly-failing domestic experiments ever. Right up there with ‘Let’s Paint the Dining Room!’ (her idea), ‘Pants-Optional Sundays’ (mine), and ‘The Unfortunate Oatmeal Incident of 2002’.”

First of all, online groceries are more expensive than their store-confined cousins. Which is perfectly reasonable — you’re paying for the convenience of the service. Unfortunately, we also seemed to be paying for the gas in the delivery truck, the mileage driven, the hosting costs for the website where we ordered, the online merchant fees, and the delivery driver’s kid’s college fund. At least with some of the places, tipping the drivers was ‘discouraged’. Not that it mattered; after a few sacks of groceries, we had nothing left to tip with. ‘Thanks, bud — here’s a hearty handshake and a baby carrot. Good job.

Then, there were the groceries themselves. My wife always suspected that it was the ‘low-end’ product being shipped out the back door of the store and into the trucks. She eyed every shipment for scuffed boxes, bruised fruit, and smooshed buns. I never saw much of that personally, but I don’t usually notice such things. If it’s edible, it’s fine for me. My food doesn’t have to look pretty; it just has to taste good and stay down. The missus is just a tad more discerning.

The bigger problem with the goods was that they often weren’t our goods. All the orders for one truck get lumped together in the back — and clearly separated, I’m certain. Then the driver chugs over a few miles of choice grade-A Boston potholes, and who the hell knows what’s what? There’re bags tipped over, pasta on the floor, mustard shot onto the ceiling — who can blame these guys for grabbing the right number of bags and hoping things work out?

Only, things don’t work out, most of the time. The crap we ordered goes somewhere else, and we end up with fourteen bags of somebody else’s slop we don’t want. Getting our shipments was like playing Iron Chef America: The Home Version:

And now, the secret ingredients! All of your meals for the next three weeks will be made from… a five-pound bag of all-purpose flour… three tubes of Crest toothpaste… and a jumbo-sized tub of stewed prunes! How luxurious!

So, we stopped ordering. I miss the service, though. When they did get it right — and we managed to order without taking out a home improvement loan to cover it — it was a pretty sweet deal. No crowded supermarket parking lots to deal with, or rusty-wheeled carts, or watching somebody’s grandma squeeze her peaches and thump her canteloupes.

(It’s like a train wreck! I don’t want to see it, but I can’t look away! Ack!)

Maybe someday we’ll try Peapod or one of the other services again. It takes a while to build up the courage, though. Maybe when you’ve spent a summer eating prune ‘n’ fluoride pancakes, you’ll understand.

Permalink  |  1 Comment

One Response to “Less-Than-Special Deliveries”

  1. kerry says:

    i’ve overcome my distaste for grocery shopping by going to the 24 hour stores. it’s much preferable to go at 2 am when no one is there. sure, you might have to stand in line behind 20 people because there’s only one cash register open, but somehow i’d prefer that to dealing with hordes of rude people meandering through the aisles getting in my way.

    i’m glad to hear the truth behind these online grocers. i don’t think we have any available around here, but i’d rather not receive 50 pound bags of dog food and bottles of hemorrhoid cream if we did.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved