(In my mind, this qualifies as a sort of ‘clip show’ post, since the only thing the following snippets have in common is that I once worked them into standup bits. Well, that, and they’re all a little naughty in one way or another.
“It’s good to get a few of those out of my system.”
But nobody’s actually seen the standup clips in which these bits are included, so it also qualifies as a ‘free’ Friday post. Woo hoo!)
Heaven on Earth
When I was very young, my Uncle Joe died. I had trouble understanding what death meant, so I talked it over with my dad:
Me: Hey Dad, where did Uncle Joe go when he died?
Dad: Well, son, he went up to Heaven.
Me: Oh. Hey, Dad?
Dad: Yes, son?
Me: Didn’t you once tell me that all our relatives who’ve died are watching over us?
Dad: That’s right.
Me: And didn’t you say that if I touch myself, they could all see it?
Dad: Well… yes. I said that.
Me: So is that what Heaven is like?
Dad: You know, son — for your Uncle Joe, it probably is.
Well. That cleared things up. And to this day, I wear pants in the shower.
Time to Spare
I’m a big fan of the eight-minute dating idea. It seems like a great way to maximize your chances of a perfect match.
Eight minutes seems like an awfully long time, though. I mean, after three minutes of sex and two minutes of apologizing, what’s left to fill the empty time? I wonder whether people are allowed to bring a book, or a crossword puzzle, or something.
Always Bet on Krispy Kreme
I joined one of those NFL football ‘suicide pools’ this season.
(Ed.: I told you it was a ‘clip show’!)
Apparently, we’re supposed to pick a different team every week, and if they lose, we’re out. I thought it was a different kind of ‘suicide pool’, though. For week 1, I picked:
John Madden, on the crapper, with a jelly doughnut
I still like my chances.
I think that’s plenty enough for now. It’s good to get a few of those out of my system. And if it’s any consolation, you were spared a couple of items that I nearly forgot I’d already posted. You should count your lucky stars. Maybe there’s a guardian angel ‘watching over you’. Heh.Permalink | 3 Comments