Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

The Heart of the Mutt-er

We’ve had a bit of an interruption in the updates around here this week. For that, you can blame me. Because you probably will, anyway. But it’s not actually my fault.

It’s the dog’s.

A Boy, His Dog, and Tin-Foil Hats.

The mutt and I, in happier — albeit weirder — times.

My plucky pooch Susie, for reasons fathomable only to her and perhaps the Eternal Wheel of Doggie Fortune, chose this weekend to fall gravely ill. This is not new for her, sadly. Gravely ill is kind of her ‘thing’.

Okay, so maybe two events don’t establish a pattern. If she’s a ‘gravely ill type’, then by the same logic I’m a skydiver. And I have an unhealthy-healthy obsession with granola. Also, I enjoy using womens’ deodorant, apparently.

Still. Last time she was sick, she had cancer. It took nine months or more to get her checked out, cut open, chemo-ed up and recovered. It’s not like I rubbed on Secret every morning for a year. The mutt makes commitment to a bit, is all I’m saying.

This time, it appears the old gal has a heart condition. A serious one, at that. The dog docs kept her in the hospital for a couple of days, and hooked her up to ECGs and ultrasounds and all manner of other gizmos and testers. We got her back last night, and she’d been Frankenshaved in all sorts of weird spots where the electrodes and such had gone.

Either that, or they were selectively harvesting fur for some sort of tiny hairy suit. Maybe there’s a naked rat running around the joint that thinks he’s Buffalo Bill or something.

(My dog would totally put the lotion on her skin, too. She hates the hose.)

Sadly, the pooch is still very much in the woods, diagnostically speaking. In the best-case scenario, the canine cardiologist — or ‘hound heart hack’, if you prefer — says that they can fit Susie with a pacemaker.

“What wondrous Snausagy times in which we live.”

A pacemaker. For a dog. What wondrous Snausagy times in which we live.

I asked if that also came with a little cane, and doggy dentures, and training her to bark so it sounds like ‘Git offa my lawn!

He told me to stop being ridiculous. Those things were all outlandish fantasies. He was a professional, and he’d be happy to cut my dog’s jugular to snake a wire into her heart and bury a battery permanently into her neck to keep her alive, but I was just talking nonsense.

I bet this guy’s loads of fun at parties.

Unfortunately, there are complications — even apart from the science fiction space technology voodoo doggy science that he described. She’s got some other health considerations. Troubling oddities seen in a chest X-ray. Also, she farts a lot.

(I’m not sure that affects the treatment options. But I did ask if, for the love of god, they could do something about it.

They said no. But that was before she peeled the paint off their CCU walls for two days. They might sing a different smelly tune now.)

So we get her back for a week to treat and nurse and pamper for a few days, and then we go back for more tests. And some tough decisions. The heart doc told us when he found these mitigating factors:

It’s disappointing. From a cardiac standpoint, she’s a great candidate. I wish it were more straightforward.

Yeah, well. That’s not how our Susie works. She’s a persnickety little bitch. And one hell of a fantastic dog.

If you’re interested in other Susie (mis)adventures over the years — most of them are less depressing than this one, I promise — check out most anything from the Dog Drivel category.

And I don’t believe in much of anything that you or I could personally do to change the little mutt’s fortunes on this one, but if you wanted to say a quick ‘Good girl!‘ in the next few days, maybe — just maybe — she’ll hear you.

Just try not to do it near some kids’ playground, or in a strip club. You might come off as creepy. Just a touch.

Permalink  |  2 Comments

2 Responses to “The Heart of the Mutt-er”

  1. ema says:

    bastard owner sounds good for her as well, I think, especially after you make her wear that ‘hat’

  2. Monkey says:

    Aww, feel better soon, Susiedawg.

    Recover from crippling cardiocanine financial burden soon, too, Charliemang.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved