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You Just Said What, Now? Lemme Get a Pen…

You know what I miss, all of a sudden?

(Because I have no topic, and this is the first lame-ass idea that popped into my head?)

I miss my ‘Wall of Wisdom‘ that I used to have back in college. Maybe some of you had something similar. I have to admit, it’s not one of my more original ideas.

(Not like the Teflon-coated thong underwear, or ‘Nostril Nair’, or the automated robotic heat-seeking ass-wiper.

(Hey, I don’t like feeling around back there with tht toilet paper; do you?)

Now those are some of my more original — albeit painful — ideas. Maybe it’s best that the ‘Wall of Wisdom‘ isn’t quite so… creative. I’d probably end up hurting myself with it, too.)

Anyway, back to the ‘Wall’. Now, I don’t want you to confuse this with the ‘Big Wall‘, which I explained a few months ago. The Big Wall is useful. Practical. Indispensible, even. The ‘Wall of Wisdom‘, on the other hand, is a lot like this blog. It’s purpose is purely to entertain, and it has no practical value — or, indeed, any redeeming qualities whatsoever. Utterly pointless, except to elicit a chuckle or a titter.

(Hey, I’m all about the titters over here… but that’s a story for another time, perhaps. And another outfit — why, I’m barely wearing anything lacy at all right now. And nothing made of leather, for goodness sakes.

What? Oh, that? No, that’s not leather. Trust me, an awful lot of ‘naugas’ were killed to make that thing. Still chafes a little, though.

Oh, and this little doohickey? Nah, that’s not leather, either. I’m not sure exactly what kind of animal that comes from, to be honest. I’d have guessed a rhinoceros, but it smells… gamier than that, don’t you think? Um, assuming that’s the animal’s smell that’s on it now. Uh, yeah.

What’s that? Oh, no, those little things hanging down there aren’t leather tassels. Actually, they’re not tassels at all — they’re… um, maybe it would be better if we got back to the rest of the post now. Otherwise, you might have to use a Big Wall on me. And I don’t think either of us wants that. I’ll just put these ‘tassels‘ away, and we’ll move on, all right? Good.

Heh. That tickles! Whoo!)

Ahem. Okay, what the hell was I talking about again? Oh, the Wall of Wisdom. Okay, let’s do this thing.

So, it’s pretty simple, really. I think I actually started the idea back in high school, on one of those brown paper jackets that kids had on their textbooks sometimes. Of course, maybe that was just where I lived, and I’m showing my backwards ass by even mentioning it. But I’m gonna plow right past that possibility, and assume that you — at least some of you, anyway — had, or knew people who had, protective sleeves on their textbooks made from plain white plastic or brown cardboardy type of paper. Plain, of course, to make it all the better to write all over. And write on it I did.

Only I didn’t write the usual things that ‘teenytards’ are known to scribble on their notebooks and such — I didn’t ‘heart‘ anyone on the book jacket, and didn’t declare that anything ‘sux!‘, and there were only a couple of band logos crudely drawn around the edges.

(The Cure, or the Alarm, maybe… possibly R.E.M., or the Screaming Blue Messiahs; I really don’t remember.)

What I did write on that book jacket, though, were things that my friends said, or my teachers taught, or that my parents handed down to me at the family dinner table. Things that I wanted to remember — tidbits that would guide me through life, and offer insights into my very soul, and stick with me for the rest of my days. I had the idea, and immediately put the plan into action, writing ‘Words of Wisdom‘ on the back of the book in big block letters. And so, I started to collect those ‘words of wisdom’, those timeless nuggets, those priceless pearls…

Meaning, of course, innocent shit that you could take out of context, and make it sound dirty. That’s all that ever made it to the book, of course. Hopefully, you saw that coming. I hope you didn’t think that I was actually trying to collect worthwhile, inspirational, uplifting shit — where the hell is the fun in that? Besides, I was a teenager — I knew everything back then. I wasn’t gonna learn anything from, you know, people. Dude! Like, gag me.

But what I would do is ridicule and embarrass people — including myself — when they inadvertantly put their foot in their mouth, and said — perfectly innocently, with straight, solemn faces — things like:

‘If you want me to eat that, you’re gonna have to wipe that stuff off it first!‘

‘I’d prefer you suck than blow‘

‘You are not gettin’ that thing in there. Go ahead, get a shoehorn — it’s not gonna work!‘

Come graduation, the best of the best of the ‘Words of Wisdom‘ went with me to college. Where, it turns out, the whole ‘wrap your book in a paper jacket’ fad was, sadly, not in vogue.

(Look, tell me it wasn’t just me, all right? Maybe there was something else written on the other side of the paper or plastic, and we flipped ’em over so we could write on ’em. I don’t remember, really… just tell me it’s not some kind of creepy backwoods Deliverance type of thing, all right? Somebody? Anybody? Bueller? *sigh*)

Anyway, that’s when I decided to use the gems that I’d already collected to start a posterboard full of quotes. And I taped that posterboard up on the cinder-block wall of my freshman dorm room. And that board became the ‘Wall of Wisdom‘, which survived — nay, thrived — for two years or more. I think we even had to start a second one, as the hilarity just spilled off the first. It was spectacular. I highly recommend it, and I really do miss it greatly.

So, for any of you who might be interested in starting a similar project, I’ll tell you the rules. And, like most things in my life have to be, it’s again very simple. First, you’ve got to find something to write the quotes on, and put it up in a public, or semi-public, place. Write some clever title on the very top; ‘Words of Wisdom‘, ‘Notable Quotes‘, ‘He Said, She Said‘, ‘What the Fuck Did You Just Say?!‘ — any of these would work just fine.

Next, you’ve got to get a couple of people in on the game with you. All you need is two or three to start; if your friends are any kind of cool, they’ll pass the idea around, and you’ll soon have people coming to you with quotes to include. And if not… well, get new friends, frankly. Look, there are plenty of cool people out there, all right? Just latch onto one, and he or she will lead you to others. They travel in packs — you’ve just gotta find a way to get your foot in the door, and you’ll be fine. Don’t fret it, dude.

Speaking of ‘the game’, what is it, exactly? Well, just what I’ve said — anything that’s both

A.) said in all earnestness and innocence, and

2.) when taken out of context, potentially very, very dirty

is fair game for inclusion on the list.

(Or the ‘book’, or the ‘wall’, or the ‘tattoo’ — however you choose to capture these little rib-ticklers.)

You can’t get on the wall if you’re trying to be dirty, and you shouldn’t put on a quote that’s not really all that dirty.

Here’s a good test — find yourself one of those sick, sarcastic smartasses with a mind constantly in the gutter.

(Where, you ask? Well, you could hang around my friends, for a start. Otherwise, you can probably find a few in a bar somewhere, or playing pool on a Friday night, or teaching Sunday school. Or put out a want ad. Whatever — look, I can’t do everything for you here.)

So, the test of a good candidate quote is simply to say it, with no context or preface at all, to your smartass friend, and see what happens. If they snicker, or shrug, or just look at you, blinking, then the quote’s probably not so good. But if they giggle like a schoolgirl, or snort coffee or spaghetti sauce out their nose and say, ‘Bu — wha’?!?‘, you’ve probably got a keeper.

(And a messy smartass friend, with food or liquid all over their clothes. So you should definitely unleash your potential quotes on them when they’re eating or drinking. Nobody likes a smartass, anyway.

Or, um, so I hear. Meh.)

Anyway, that’s about it. You’ll be surprised how many of these double entendres you’ll find, once you — and a small horde of your closest friends — start listening for them. They simply can’t be avoided. Soon your quote list will be growing like kudzu, or those little ‘Sea Monkey’ parasites, or that green pubic hair on a Chia. And you’ll have a wealth of funny shit to look at every day. You won’t remember exactly what the person was trying to say originally — even if it was your mouth the accidental filth spewed from — but you’ll remember the quote, and you’ll have something else to annoy your friends with. What could be better?

Hell, maybe I’ll start a new board of my own here at home, or better yet, at work. Oh, yeah — with the amount of ridiculous shit that gets said around that place, it oughta be a veritable treasure trove of embarrassing snippets. Maybe I’ll start the ‘Cubicle of Wisdom‘, and bug the hell out of everyone there with it. Cool! And I’ve been looking for ways to be more annoying, too! Hallelujah!