Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Weekend Werind: Redecorator’s Blues

(Note: Once again, I’m splitting time a bit these days between the pages here and the soon-to-be-remodeled Bugs & Cranks. Since last we danced, I posted an especially dirty piece over there entitled The Green Green Grass of Home (Field).

Well, not so much ‘dirty’. More ‘soddy’. The filthiest thing in it is the picture caption, frankly. And it’s still only PG-13. Give or take.)

Today, the missus and I went to approximately seven thousand open houses.

“All you have to do is find someone with your same tastes, similar needs, compatible budget, and who happens to want to live in your town while you live in theirs. How hard could that be, really?”

We’re selling our house this spring — hopefully — and for the past couple of weeks, we’ve been trying to get a feel for the current local market. Because apparently, when you sell your house, you have to also convince someone else to sell you theirs. Seems like it’d be easier to just swap houses, when you think of it that way. All you have to do is find someone with your same tastes, similar needs, compatible budget, and who happens to want to live in your town while you live in theirs. How hard could that be, really?

After five hours of staring at other peoples’ spare bedrooms and eat-in kitchens, I’m starting to think the swap idea would actually be easier. I’ve been on more strangers’ doorstep today than a hyperactive encyclopedia salesman or a decade’s worth of abandoned orphans. And I’m spent.

The most tiring thing of all, honestly, is thinking about what comes after we find a house. The packing, the moving, the unpacking — and worst of all, the shopping. Because it’s not enough to find a house. Then you’ve got to fill it. And your old crappy ghetto furniture that you’ve lived with and loved for years suddenly isn’t good enough. Or won’t fit. Or doesn’t match the drapes that your wife says you have to buy, because the new room needs to be painted to go with the painting. Which you haven’t bought yet. And had no idea the room needed, though the missus assures you it does.

And that takes me flashing back to one of the especially painful processes in moving into the current house. Namely, trying to find an effing dining room table. I didn’t know we needed a dining room table. We’d never had a dining room table before — probably because we’d never had a dining room before. I’d never had any issue eating on the couch — or the floor, or the steps, or the sidewalk outside — so I didn’t know what the hell we needed a table for.

But I was assured, again, that it was a critical component for modern civilized life.

I asked whether we actually had to use the table. For, like, eating and stuff.

Nah, she said. But we have to have one. She said it’d help to make me look civilized. Like how I wear pants on weekdays, and eat chowder with a spoon. Usually. I bought that explanation, so we went looking for a table.

The result — actually, just a tiny excruciating little sliver of the process — is described in today’s Werind post, If I Never See Another Hand-Carved, Claw-Footed, Sleigh-Backed Mahogany Frickin’ Chair, It’ll Be Too Damned Soon.

For most people, just the title would be a whole post. Me, I wanted to make the reading a little meatier than that. Not nearly as long as the shopping trip, nor certainly as long as the shopping trip felt, but there are a few hundred words there you hopefully won’t find as painful as our table safari.

Especially because we came back empty-handed .

And especially because that table we bought back then is probably ghetto and too big and completely the wrong color now, and we’ll have to do it all over again.

There’d just better not be anything claw-footed, sleigh-backed or mahogany sitting in those damned furniture stores. I don’t want to smack a salesbitch with a solid pine table leaf. But if I have to, I’ll do it.

Permalink  |  No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved