The Wowsy-Wowsy Woo-Woo Web

April 26, 2006

Hi there.

I apologize if you happened to try accessing the site earlier today and were shut out — there were a few hours of what we in the infocomputerary business call ‘unscheduled downtime’.

(Basically, that means some bit of hardware or other choked on something it shouldn’t have, and spent a while spinning its gears in protest. Usually, it’s porn. But then again — on the internet, what isn’t porn, eh?)

Anyway, it’s simply more fodder for my latest paranoid conspiracy theory — I’ve decided the web hates me.

“Get maced by hott single girlz in your area!”

It would explain a lot, certainly. The mysterious outages, the browser glitches, why I can never — no matter how hard I try — shoot that stupid iPod monkey in the ad. I don’t even want the damned iPod, or whatever sort of snake oil pyramid scheme they’re shilling. I just want that punk-ass grinning simian dead. Honestly, what is he, some sort of fricking chimp ninja? Here’s a banana — NOW HOLD FREAKING STILL, DAMN YOU!

Even my spam has gotten worse lately. Not more frequent, or higher volume, just… snarkier. Seems even the spambots don’t want to sell me shit any more. Check out some of the message subjects I’ve received recently:

‘Refinance Now!! Bad Credit? BIG PROBLEM!‘

‘Meet hott single girlz in your area! Get maced by hott single girlz in your area! Call now!’

‘Need OEM? You’re an Overweight Eggsucking Moron. There’s your ‘OEM’, sucka.’

‘Online ph@rmacy! We sell m3ds cheap… but not to you.’

‘Widow of wealthy Nigerian bank official wants no assistance from you whatsoever.’

‘Want a bigger penis? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Loser.’

Anyway, it’s good to be back online again. Please feel free to resume your normal drivel-perusing activities. I’ll be in the server room with a crowbar, exacting my revenge. This machine is wily, all right — but it’s no iPod monkey, and I know where it lives. It’s go time.