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Damn, It Must Feel Good to Be a Gangsta

I’m being eco-terrorized.

There’s this printer that I use at work, and it refuses — refuses, I tell you — to print one-sided copies.

Refuses.

I’ve tried everything. I configured it from my desktop. I futzed with it from the console. I changed prefs, I updated drivers, and I reinstalled the printer. I even read the three sentences in the manual that weren’t written in Spanish or warnings about electrocution hazards.

Nothing.

“I even read the three sentences in the manual that weren’t written in Spanish or warnings about electrocution hazards.”

In a fit of supreme frustration and wicked inspiration, I set up a VCR in the copy room, and nudged the printer meaningfully while I played that scene from Office Space over and over. Where did that get me?

A big fat bunch of double-sided nowhere. Plus a late fee on the movie rental. Bitches.

And don’t get me wrong — I’m cool with all this eco-friendly, redwood-hugging, recyclable-underpants, free-the-whales, kiss-an-ice-cap, solar-powered toothbrush talk. Really, I am. Global warming bad. Some of my favorite people are endangered species. Spotted owls and tropical rainforests should be free to marry whoever the hell they want. I’m on your side.

But occasionally — only once or twice a year, I promise! — I’d like to print something on just one side of the paper. Like a one-page handout for a meeting. Or a schematic that won’t fit on one page, for instance. Honestly, is it really necessary to make me print thirty-seven copies of a four-page diagram, because the double-sided ones are flipped and rotated around such that it’s impossible to jigsaw the stupid things together? Who is that helping?

The Hammermill Corporate Tree-Slaughtering Conglomerate, that’s who. I bet they all drive SUVs and spray aerosols at arctic glaciers just for fun, too. See what you’re making me do?

Eh, maybe the IT jocks at the office can figure the damned thing out for me. And I could always go back to the manual and try deciphering the sections in Espanol. Although, if it’s not mostly about cervezas and las cucarachas, I’m not likely to get much out of it.

On second thought, I’m thinking the Initech guys had the right idea. It is baseball season, right? And I’ve got a Louisville Slugger in the basement with ‘Konica’ written all over it. Batter up, copy boy.