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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Pay No Attention to All the Crap Hidden in the Closets

Hey, everybody. It’s me, Charlie… being nice and sweet to you. You know, just like always. *wink*

(Pssst! Look, don’t screw this up for me, okay? I’m next in line for a Weblog Review review, and they might be looking at the site any time now… they could be here right now! Yikes!

So just play along, okay? Everything’s cool, and we all get along, and there are none of those nasty skeletons in the closets, or anything like that. All right? Just be cool for a little while, and then we can go back to hanging out in our undies and drinking beer out of flowerpots and writing the Gettysburg Address in the snow. Cool? Cool. Okay, here goes.)

Ahem. Sorry about that. So, here I am, once again. And hmmm… let’s see, what to talk about today? Ooh, I know — why, it nearly slipped my mind, but I’ve got a ‘thank you’ to deliver! My goodness!

You see, today I was o-fficially named the winner of the November contest over at the Weblog Review. That means that you fine folks — all of whom are always welcome around here! — helped to make this humble little blog the number one referer to the Weblog Review for the whole month of November! My word, it’s all so exciting!

(Okay, so what it really means is that a few of you wandered over there, probably trying to get the hell away from the insanity here. I can respect that. I don’t like you any more, you big boob, but I can respect that. I picked up your considerable slack by obsessively checking the site out once or twice a day, to see whether my review was getting any closer or not.

Anyway, what that also means is that I got a faboo Amazon gift certificate for winning. So get your cans over there, albeit after the fact, and show them some love. Those fine folks have saved you from having me beg and plead you to buy me shit from my wishlist, ’cause now, I can do it myself! So they’ve bought you a little time on that front. Very little… I get bored easily, you know.

Damn, I’d better get back to the nicey-nice crap. Okay, be cool. Don’t do anything crazy.)

So. What else? Oh! Hey, you know what? It just occurred to me that I’m also just about due for a review from the Weblog Review, too! Wow, it almost slipped my mind! What do you know?

Well, then. I suppose I shouldn’t deviate from the sweet and happy norm around here… so I’ll just post something hilarious and captivating, without any sort of gratuitous linking back to my favorite posts or features or anything like that. Just business as usual around here — yes, sir. I’ll just thank the fine folks at the weblog Review — that’s the Weblog Review, folks! — and move on, just as I normally would.

So, let’s see… what’s going on tonight? Well, as luck would have it, I’m actually preparing for my third-ever standup show tomorrow night.

(Oh, and just in case you might be interested, you can check out the first two shows here and here. Not that you have to… and, of course, all you guys have seen those already… I don’t even know why I bring them up. Um, heh.)

Anyway, I think I’ve got my five minutes ready, so I’m ready to roll. It’s all-new material, so those of you in the Boston area, come out to the Emerald Isle and check it out!

Woo! That was exciting, wasn’t it? It’s just a whirlwind around here, like always. Right, folks?

(Dudes! That’s your cue! Say, ‘Right!‘ C’mon — ‘Right!‘ Say it, quick!)

(Oh, people… you can do better than that. You sound like a bunch of sedated heifers. Perk it up, would you? Don’t blow this for me!

And stop clowning around, would ya? Jeez… Andy, get that thing out of your mouth! I know where that thing’s been, and trust me — you don’t want to. Amber, c’mon — take that lampshade off, and put down the wrapping paper. We’re not playing that game from last week again. I think we broke Buzz’ pinky last time, anyway. And dammit, TJ, put your damned pants on!

No, no, dude… on your legs! Your legs! Oh, fer chrissakes, everybody get into the basement, would you? Just go… go! I’ll let you out when the reviewers are gone. And no drinking the fabric softener down there, you hear me?)

Sorry about that. You know how it is, with the kids these days, and their wild parties… Really, I apologize. Let’s get back to the post, shall we?

(Hey, shut up down there! And was that the dog I just heard? What the hell are you people doing, anyway?)

Um… hmmm, let’s see. Maybe we should move away from the basement. It’s so… drafty, is all. What else can we talk about? Ooh, I know — there’s another little bit of excitement around here. Tomorrow — the 17th — is the six-month anniversary for this blog! Six whole months — wow! Oh, I can still remember some of the highlights, too… reminisce with me, won’t you…

&lt!– wavy flashback lines –>

&lt!– wavy flashback lines –>

&lt!– wavy flashback lines –>

Ah, yes, the very first post — I remember it like it was yesterday.

(That’s yesterday that I wrote it, not yesterday that I checked it for spelling errors and shit that wasn’t funny. Oh, wait, that was yesterday. Heh. Good times, good times…

Hey. How’d you get out of the basement, anyway? Damn, you people are slippery!)

Let’s see… what else has happened along the way? Well, I finished up my 100 Things Posts About Me a while back. That was cool. And I managed to get through one hundred and twenty-plus taglines, before I ran completely dry and hit the wall decided to take the blog in another direction. Ahem.

Soon after that, I added the search feature, and the ‘About Me’ and ‘About This’ pages, and then even had the nice folks at Blogger agree to remove those ads at the top of the page. Woo hoo!

And let’s see, what else? I mean, gee — I’d never just throw links out there at people, trying to point them toward the good stuff — I mean, it’s all good stuff, right guys?

(Oh, shit. They’re all locked in the basement. Damn. I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass. *sigh*)

Anyway, just — you know — while I’m reminiscing and all… I do remember a few entries rather ‘fondly’.

(That’s ‘with fondness’, of course; not ‘like fondling’. Um, unless you’re into that sort of thing. I can do fondling. Really, I don’t mind. No problem.)

Let’s, um, just get to this gratuitous list of posts trip down memory lane, shall we? Certainly, my experience with ‘Zolton’ was a lot of fun, as was my time on the Wheel of Fortune set. You know, until the bastards cut me out of the show, that is.

Ooh, and then there was the poem I wrote, and my ode to grocery shopping, and the time I was laid off. Ah, such memories… that I’m dredging up purely for my own nostalgic purposes. Purely. Of course.

Anyway, I could go on like this for hours.

(And I usually do. But in this case, I’d get into the drivelly crap pretty damned fast, so I’d better wrap this train wreck up.

Plus, there’s probably not a whole helluva lot of oxygen down there in the cellar. I’ll have to let the gang back up before long, or I’ll have a lot of ‘splaining to do.)

So, I suppose I’d better sign off, and get back to all the normal stuff I do in real life. You know, the usual stuff — adopting orphans, administering CPR, walking old ladies across the street, that sort of thing. So I’ll just wrap this perfectly normal and typical post up, and let you go. Come back soon, folks — everyone’s welcome here at the old blog! Bye now! Take care! Buh-bye!

(Okay, guys, they’re gone. I think they bought it, too — woo hoo! Tequila shots all ’round! Kick ass, baby! That’s a ‘5’ for sure!)

Permalink  |  9 Comments

9 Responses to “Pay No Attention to All the Crap Hidden in the Closets”

  1. Jon says:

    nothing like shameless, self-serving, thinly veiled promotion, is there?

    I kid, I kid.

  2. Charlie says:

    Dude, ‘thinly veiled‘? I think that’s a bit overstating it, don’t you?

    I mean, shit — I don’t see a veil at all! And I sure as hell don’t remember putting one there.

    I’m all about the shameless and self-serving, dude. And, if there’s time, shameless and other-serving. But only if there’s time.

  3. Jenn says:

    Actually, I talked to the wonderful people at Weblog Review and they said that although the selfish thought is nice, that you are really supposed to use your gift certificate at Amazon to bribe… errr, I mean show your appreciation to your blog readers. Yep, after I convinced them… umm, I mean discussed this with them, that is what they said. Really. Just thought I would let you know.

  4. Frac says:

    Very nice blog, Charlie. A great read.

  5. Andy says:

    If you had just given me a beer like I asked then I wouldn’t have to suck on that, now would I?

  6. Nice blog Charlie. Guess what? I came here via The Weblog Review. Very enjoyable (is that a word? :|). A new on for my blog roll

    *Goes out for pizza and totally forgets to put you on his blogroll*

  7. Riri says:

    Oh man, you made my laugh! Added on my blogroll as well I came over from the weblog review where the folks gave their verdict on my blog yesterday. It must have been quite a change from mine to yours! LOL

    Cheers buddy!

  8. tj says:

    *pulls pants on LEGS*

    sorry … really. next time i’ll try to remember my clean underwear too. honest.

    oh, and check THIS out: />

    that’s right, i was the 12th blog ever reviewed. w00t.

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