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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

‘Banner’? I Barely Even Know Her! Hah!

Hey, there, folkses.

I’m pretty sure that nobody in their right mind would be particularly interested in this next bit, but I wanted to throw it out, nonetheless.

(Plus, I’m not altogether convinced many of you are in your ‘right minds’, or you probably wouldn’t be here. Unless you just surfed by accidentally, looking for the latest political blather or ‘naked pics of Linda Cohn‘ or something.

Yeah, you heard me, out there. I read my logs. I know what kind of sick SportsCenter fetishes you people are cooking up. Pervs.)

Anyway, here’s the point: As I mentioned recently, I hooked up with BlogExplosion a few days ago, and have been generally impressed with what I’ve seen.

(Which is about a thousand blogs I’d have never gotten around to checking out, a few hundred hits I wouldn’t have otherwise had, and — most importantly — a handful of new friends with whom I’ve traded comments and links.

Not to drop into ‘smarmy infomercial mode’, but the thing I most appreciate about this particular service is that the hits are delivered on a quid pro quo basis, meaning that you have to browse other sites to bring eyeballs and other assorted organs to yours. Is that extra work? Yes. Do you end up reading a lot of ridiculous bullshit in between the good weblogs? Of course.

But it also means that virtually everything you see is being actively updated and maintained, and — almost by definition — by someone who’s interested in checking out new content and bringing in new readers. No dead links, no ‘Last Post: June 2002’ nonsense. And I dig that.)

Awright. I’m stepping off the soapbox. Pimping other sites is so not the point of this frigging post.

But actually — actually! — pimping this site is the point, in a roundabout sort of way. To cut to the (first part of the) chase, BlogExplosion lets you hawk your site using topside banners, as well as the other ways that you either know about already or couldn’t give a llama’s left asscheek about, so I won’t go into them.

The banners, however, we talk about. Because I made some. And I’ve never made banners for this site before. Frankly, I’ve never made banners for anything before. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I could say I’ve made anything for anything before. Not graphically, anyway. I have the Photoshop skillz of a lobotomized cockatoo.

(Yeah, I know — the lobotomy is sort of overkill, since we’re already starting without opposable thumbs. Or fingers of any kind. Or a forebrain to speak of.

Actually, without a forebrain, how do you lobotomize a little teeny bird like that? Bop it on the head? Blow in its ear? Neuter it?

Wow. That analogy really went down the shitter fast, eh? Note to self: no more cockatoo references until you can get your hands on some sort of bird encyclopedia. Damn.)

All right, where the hell was I? Oh, banners. Brilliant.

So, I made banners. And because I’m a raving lunatic douchebag, I didn’t make one or two banners. Oh, no. Any old word-whirler could come up with one or two. No, I made thirty.

(What? Stop looking at me like that. Am not insane in the membrane. Am not! Stop it!)

Actually, it’s not all that damned impressive, as you’re about to have the chance to see. These are the simplest damned banners you can imagine. A slow-witted pomeranian (and is there any other kind?) could have come up with these babies. It ain’t Rembrandt, people.

The first one was the tough one, actually. Like I said, I’ve got no Photoshop skills, not to mention damned little artistic ability. Words, I can do. Pretty pictures, no. Not so much.

So, if you’d been within eavesdropping range of my living room last night, you’d have heard some mighty strange curses coming from the couchal region, as I struggled to get the first damned banner off the ground:

No… no! Not there. I didn’t say put the text there. Bitches!

Wha…? I said dark blue, dammit! You’re killing me. Why are you killing me?!

Oh, you little fucking… I’ve got your ‘transparent layers’ right here, you Adobe ass-spawn!

(Actually, to be honest, there was someone within hearing range of all of this, if you count the dog. But she doesn’t really qualify, since:

A) she was sleeping through most of it, and ignoring me through the rest, and

2) she only understands four phrases in English, and has her own translations for most of those. Here’s her full repertoire, as best I can make out:

I say, ‘Sit‘.

She hears, ‘Sit‘. (So she gets one right.)

I say, ‘Come‘.

She hears, ‘Continue to lick your ass on the middle of the carpet, being sure to make those loud, wet *schmaschlurp*-ing noises in the second-most disgusting way doggily possible.

I say, ‘I said, ‘Come’, dammit!

She hears, ‘(Same as above), only now look directly at me while you’re doing it, making it absolutely the most disgusting way doggily possible.

I say, ‘Who wants a widdle treat?

She hears, ‘Please run, as fast as you possibly can and with slobber a-flying, directly at my crotch. And don’t worry about stopping short — I’m padded, so you’ll be just peachy-fine.

So, given that I didn’t say any of those things during my Photoshop ordeal, I’m pretty sure she didn’t blink an eye during the whole experience. Lousy fricking bitch, anyway. Meh.)

Okay, so back to the banners. The upshot is, I finally did get the first banner done — or at least ‘done’ by my standards — and then simply used my ‘Gallery o’ Taglines post to switch in a few different mottoes. Just to spice things up, you understand. At no time should you believe that anything actually creative occurred throughout the activity.

(Other than me coming up with ‘Adobe ass-spawn’; I was actually rather proud of that one.)

So, if you’re interested, you can reap the fruits of my labors below. I don’t want to burden you with all thirty banners right here on the page, so I’ve created links to each, with a preview of each tagline to prevent you from clicking through to drivel you’re not going to enjoy. As opposed to drivel you might enjoy — those are really the only two choices around here. Pretty short fucking menu, when you get right down to it.

Anyway, feel free to check them out, and — if you’re so inclined — to use one or more yourself. I’m not sure why you’d want to do such a thing, but if that’s what oils up your nethers, then please, be my guest. So long as you’re using it to link to here, you can use whatever the hell you want. Banners, text, scratch-‘n’-sniff piles of poodle poop — I’m not picky.

Oh, and one last tiny thing before the banners — because I’m not quite that off my head (yet), I didn’t actually submit all thirty to BlogExplosion. I picked out my favorite six, and used those. But now I’m curious — which are your favorites (if you have any), and/or can you guess which six I used? I’d love to know who’s in the same crazy boat with me.

(And extra credit if you can remember the commercials or other sources the lines are adapted from. Or why the damned table starts six fricking inches below this text. *sigh* I told you I wasn’t the graphical sort.)

#1: Unsane at any speed. #2: Live in your blog. Play in ours. #3: Maybe I’m born with it. Maybe it’s blog.
#4: For when you have that ‘no so blog’ feeling. #5: We’ll leave the blog on for ya. #6: Once you go blog, you never go back.
#7: Dude! You’re gettin’ a blog! #8: It’s the right blog to do. And a tasty way to do it! #9: A blog for all of your 2000 parts!
#10: Blog. It’s what’s for dinner. #11: It’s not the blog that gets you. It’s the humidity. #12: In blog, no one can hear you scream.
#13: Boldly going where no blog has gone before. #14: Hell hath no fury like a blog scorned. #15: Because brevity is the hobgoblin of little blogs.
#16: All the crap that’s fit to blog. #17: Because no good tangent should go unpublished. #18: The audience is slobbering.
#19: You won’t pay a lot… but you’ll read a lot. #20: Apparently, my insolence will be tolerated. #21: Readers check in… but they don’t check out!
#22: Silly rabbit… coherence is for kids! #23: This is your brain on beer and habanero peppers. #24: Get thee behind me, sanity!
#25: Ridiculous, pointless drivel? Yeah, we’ve got that. #26: It’s ‘Chicken Soup’ for the voices in your head. #27: Putting the ‘more’ in sophomoric for over a year.
#28: Boldly going where no blog should ever, ever go. #29: It’s the ‘Good Hands’ blog. #30: Read it more than twice? You’re just playing with it.
Permalink  |  10 Comments

10 Responses to “‘Banner’? I Barely Even Know Her! Hah!”

  1. Charlie says:

    For the record — and I’m assuming that if you’re here leaving a comment, then you might be curious — I’m currently using banners #1, 2, 15, 16, 17, and 20.

    But I’ve got my eye on #18, 23, 25, and 27, too. And maybe #30. Oh, don’t make me choose!

    And as of yet, none of the ones I’ve submitted have been approved. So this might be just another two hours of my blogging life that I’ll never have back. Bah.

  2. Jer says:

    I think #2 is my favorite. I like them, they’re not overly complicated like so many of those banners (ahem, mine).

  3. Steph says:

    20 is my favorite.

    15 was so clearly a choice of yours, because of the word “hoblgobin”

    my choices were 28, 18, 20, 27, 9 & 15

  4. deb says:

    what a hard decision – they’re all good. My favorite is #2…I think.

  5. Jer says:

    By the way, not saying this will be true for you too, but the banner ads haven’t done squat for me. I think I’ve shown 150 and not a single one has been clicked. On the other hand, since I can’t figure out what the hell else to use my unused credits, knock yourself out. I hope you have more success than I have.

  6. Sychotic1 says:

    #16 #17 #20 #22 #26 #27

    And no, I didn’t look at your list before I picked them.

  7. Amelia says:

    I think, number 2 is fantastic.

    Ok..ok.. I didn’t have time to look at them, but I laughed my ass off at your post and I just had to comment!!

    I’ve blogmarked you without the banner! :)

  8. jay says:

    Maaaaaan….you are, without a doubt, completely whacked. I admire that in a person.

  9. I liked #24… cute pun… is it a pun when you change the letters around? There’s prolly another word for it… but I liked that one and the Lever 2000 one.

  10. Mellie Helen says:


    Before I play Where The Hell Did These Phrases Come From (the Home Version), allow me to sympathise w/you re: banner making. I haven’t a *clue* what to do to create one, and as a result, am feeling totally emasculated (which is strange, because I am female).

    Alrighty, let’s see just how much of Madison Avenue has infected my brain cells…

    1. Unsafe at any speed

    2. …don’t know the source, but I like this one a lot!

    3. Loreal Hair Color

    4. Nope. Dunno.

    5. We’ll leave the light on for you (Motel 6)

    6. (ahem…) Once you go black, you never go back

    7. Dude! You’re gettin’ a Dell! (Dell Computers)

    8. It’s the right thing to do, and a tasty way to do it (Wilford Grimly [I think was his name] pitching Grape Nuts Cereal)

    9. Lever 2000 Soap

    10. Beef – It’s what’s for dinner (Beef Council)

    [By now you’re all wondering where I got all the free time I must have. I bought it on eBay.]

    11. It’s not the heat that gets you…

    12. In space, no one can hear you scream (Movie: Alien)

    13. Boldly going where no man (or “one”) has gone before (Star Trek OS and TNG)

    14. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

    15. Don’t know, but now the Hobgoblin Society is gonna call the ACLU on you

    16. All the news that’s fit to print

    17. Dunno. But it reminds me of a story I’d like to share with you…

    18. The audience is listening (THX)

    19. …but you’ll get a lot. (TV infomercials)

    20. Perhaps your mom? (“Your insolence will NOT be tolerated, young man!!”)

    21. Raid Roach Motels

    22. Trix Cereal

    23.” Just Say No” campaign

    24. Get thee behind me, Satan (from a really famous Book)

    25. Staples

    26. Chicken Soup series with very clever twist (and I do mean “twist”)

    27. Fun play on the “dysFUNctional” statement

    28. See #13

    29. Allstate Insurance

    30. Don’t know, but now I feel dirty…

    *WHEW* boy I am exhausted now! So when do I get my La-Z-Boy recliner and lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni?

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