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How About ‘The One Where Christopher Walken Is All Creepy‘?

I’ve decided to stop using movie titles when I talk to people about older films. Maybe it’s different for you folks, but I find the titles to be confusing — either I know the title, and the other person doesn’t, or vice versa. Or neither of us knows. Or maybe we both know, but the title has nothing to do with the movie. Or it rhymes with another title, or it’s hard to spell, or… hey, what the hell do you care what the reasons are, anyway? This is just the setup part — let’s skip ahead, shall we?

So, no more titles. Which is cool, because I usually find myself describing the whole movie, anyway — or having it described to me — before I know we’re both on the same page. Did I see Starship Troopers? Maybe.Who knows? But did I see:

‘That movie with the alien bugs and Doogie Howser, and the big brain slug thing at the end, and it had that shower scene, but dammit, Denise Richards wasn’t in it, and how do you have a movie with Denise Richards and a shower scene, but not get to see her boobs‘?

Oh, yeah. I saw that movie. Three times. And parts of it in super slo-mo. Rrrrrawrr.

Okay, how about The Fifth Element? Sort of rings a bell. Luc Besson movie? Maybe. Science fiction? Save the world? Eh, they all run together in my head. But how about:

‘The one with Bruce Willis where Milla Jovovich runs around in a suit made of Crest White Strips for the whole movie‘?

Oh, riiiiight. Yeah. Got the director’s cut of that one, actually. Good movie. Awesome… erm, *ahem*, ‘special effects’. Yow.

Now, ask me if I’ve seen Independence Day. Uhhhhh… ‘The one where they blow up the White House. Oh — yes. Yes, I have. The Fugitive? Couldn’t tell you. Unless… is that ‘the one with the one-armed man, and Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t care if you killed your wife‘? Then yeah — I’ve seen it.

Of course, if you use this system, you’ve got to be a bit flexible. Based on new information, your descriptions might change over time. For instance, Blame It on Rio used to be ‘the one where you can kind of get a look at Demi Moore’s hooters‘. Until Striptease came out, of course — which immesiately became ‘the one where you can definitely get a look at the large mounds of plastic where Demi Moore’s hooters used to be‘. Which sort of supercedes the old description, wouldn’t you say?

(And just for the record, in case you’re scoring at home… Blame It on Rio is now officially ‘the one with Michael Caine and the chunky girl with the puffy nipples, and Demi Moore might be in it, too, I think‘. Make a note of the change, if you’re interested in such things.)

It’s also still possible to get confused, if you’re not careful with your descriptions. ‘The one with R2-D2‘ isn’t much help any more, for instance. Nor would ‘that movie where Adam Sandler plays an idiot‘, or ‘the one where Angelina Jolie gets naked‘. Come to think of it, you’d have an easier time with ‘the one where Angelina Jolie doesn’t get naked‘ — at least you’ve narrowed it down to the Tomb Raider series. In everything else, the puppies are usually unleashed by the third scene. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I’m just saying. She likes to be topless, apparently. Good for her.

Anyway, that’s my thought about movies for the night. Not the most earthshattering stuff, but I think it would make talking about the shit we watch on cable at night much easier. I can’t be bothered with names and titles and all that nonsense; instead, just tell me who got naked, how the chase scene looked, and what got blown up. And if it didn’t have any of those things… well, then, forget it. Chances are, I didn’t see it, anyway.