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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

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Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Growling Over the Globe, Take Two

So… as of last week, we’re getting the Boston Globe.

If you’ve been hanging around here for a while — loitering and leaving cigar butts on the floor, no doubt — then you know already how I feel about the Globe. If not, then feel free to read all about it.

And, partly to save you the trouble of clicking through — but mostly because I have a lot of space to take up here — I’ll rerun the poem from that post, which I wrote e-double-specially for the Boston Globe:

I will not read the Boston Globe

I will not read it in my robe

I will not read it in my boxers

I do not think your paper r0x0rs.

Please do not call me again

To cluck out your offer like a hen

Update your fucking database

Before I break-a you your face

I will not read it on the sofa

I will not read it in my loafers

I do not want to hear your pitch

Get off my phone, you fucking bitch!

Your rag used to come to my front door

On Sundays, for six months or more

But I rarely found the time to read it

So this time I find I do not need it

I will not read it while I sit

Or use it for my doggy’s shit

I will not read it on the can

I will not read it, paper man

I hate to be a diatriber

But I will not be a Globe subscriber

Find the bitch who calls and promptly fire her

Or I’ll take up reading the Enquirer

I will not read your inky daily

I will not read your Beetle Bailey

Nor Dilbert, nor Prince Val-i-ant

I won’t, I don’t, I can’t, I shan’t!

So I hope you get me, loud and clear

I will not read your paper, hear?

And if you call me just once more

I’ll hang right up, you paper whore!

Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not the paper’s politics that bothers me — honestly, I couldn’t tell you whether the Globe leans left, right, or falls over trying to touch its toes. Don’t know, don’t care. And it’s not the coverage, or the size, or the font — but oooooh, that Helvetica just burns me up! ‘Nother story.

Anyway, the point is, I’m sure the Boston Globe is a fine paper, really. We even subscribed to it for a few months way back when — which is why I know I don’t need it again, fine though it may be. You see, I’m not really a ‘paper kind of guy. Why get my news after the fact, when I’m shackled to the internet for fourteen hours a day, anyway? It’s eleven o’clock tonight, and I already know the Sox won, the shuttle’s coming home, the latest in the terror probes, and it’s going to be frigging hot tomorrow. Why the hell would I need a newspaper?

And don’t even talk about the local news. If I wanted the scoop on things around here, I’d watch the six o’clock news. And I don’t want it — honestly.

Here, I’ll even do you a favor — here’s a summary of the local newscast for your area, every day for the rest of your life. Any time you feel like tuning in, just reread this:

  • An abandoned warehouse caught fire in some town you’ve never heard of, out in the ‘burbs. Firemen are still fighting the blaze.
  • There’s a big traffic jam downtown. If you don’t have a downtown, then a trailer truck jackknifed on the highway. Miraculously, no one was hurt.
  • The big local murder/fraud/divorce/jaywalking trial is about to begin. Opening arguments are scheduled for next week.
  • Police are looking for a suspect in a bank robbery. Or a B&E. Or a liquor store heist. Details at eleven.
  • There was a house fire, somewhere west of town. A child/dog/pet goat alerted the family.
  • In no particular order: A local councilman is under investigation, layoffs at a local business may be on the way, your food/car/clothes/home may be more dangerous than you think, there was another fire, three traffic accidents, and a school closing, and we’re all supposed to feel our cockles warming over a local good samaritan. Or spelling bee champ. Or a water-skiing squirrel. Whatever.

Anyway, back to the Globe. All I’m saying is that I’ve got no need. And I wrote my little ditty to try to get that across to the persistent bitches who called the house every six hours or so, trying to get me to subscribe. Obviously, it didn’t work. Maybe I should have shown the poem to my wife.

For, you see, it was she who relented — hopefully not to one of the phone-phreaks, but I’m afraid to ask — and now, once again, we get the Globe. So far, we’ve gotten nine or so. At last count, there was one on the steps, two on the porch, two on the dining room table, and four in the trash. All still in the plastic wrappers, if I’m not mistaken. But I can’t be positive; the Globe isn’t really my thing. I don’t get involved. Lord knows I don’t want to write another fricking poem. Now there’s a headline for ya. Stop the presses, bitches.

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