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Is It June First Already?

Um, yeah. I still got nothing.

But don’t think that means that you have to miss out on a few hundred words’ worth of drivel, fair reader. For today is the first of a new month, and that means that my good friend Zoiks! is here to bail my ass out. Again. Thank you, Zoiks!. Where the hell were you, when I was writing college admission essays?

Anyway, in case you’re new around here, here’s the bi-monthly drill:

On the first and fifteenth of each month, a new issue of the e-zine Zoiks! comes out, including a goofball piece of fluff from yours truly. Plus several other humor pieces, which may be more or less goofy and/or flufferpated. Depends on your sense of humor, I suppose. Or humour, even, for you friends across the pond, or in Canadaland.

At any rate, that’s the current issue, and the current piece. Meanwhile, the previous entry is gone from Zoiks!, but you can have it right fricking here, if that’s the kind of thing you’re into. And hell — even if it’s not, because heaven knows I’m not writing anything else today, dammit. So there you go — two entries on two sites, neither of which I had to write today. Everybody polka!

Or just read. How about we just read, and leave the polkaing for another time? Nobody needs to see that. Read on, baby.

Good News for Goofballs

I’ve found that there’s a gap in the set of self-help and how-to books available. Sure, there are books to improve your outlook, and boost your self-esteem. If you want to learn to cook, or start a business, or patent your idea for self-buttering waffles, there are books to help you. And if you happen to be a dummy — well, there are entire shelves at the local Barnes and Nobles devoted to you. Dummies can learn about using computers, and performing home colonoscopies, and operating complicated voting machinery, among others. But there aren’t any books to help you cope with actually being a dummy. Until now. And that’s where I’ve stepped in to fill the void, with a book I’m calling ‘How to Survive as an Idiot’.

Now, you may wonder what qualifications I have for penning such a book. Fair enough. Let me put it to you this way — I go for the service plans when I buy appliances. I leave myself notes in one pants pocket to remind me that my keys are in the other pocket. And I play the lottery every chance I get. Clearly, I’m an idiot. Meanwhile, I’m almost thirty-five years old, which means that I’ve managed to survive an awfully long time without any discernable mental capacity. Statistically, I should have driven off a cliff or impaled my spleen with a nail gun a long time ago. But since I haven’t, I’ve decided to share my survival techniques with the rest of the world’s idiots. Here are a few excerpts:

Pay Attention to Signs

Now, I know this is difficult. As idiots, we have the attention span of a lobotomized cricket. But signs are generally very helpful, and can help us to avoid many sticky situations. Take the sign that’s often hanging near roller coasters: ‘Keep Hands and Feet Inside Car at All Times’. That’s a particularly useful one, and has personally saved me several fingers and toes over the years. Also, a word to the not-so-wise: it’s best to keep your head inside the car, too. I leaned too far one time, and couldn’t smell for a week. True story.

Paint Your Car Like a Taxi Cab

Let me be very clear on this point — I’m not suggesting that you actually pick up passengers and drive them through the city, looking for their destinations. If you’re reading this guide, then you’re likely an idiot. There’s a very good chance that you shouldn’t be operating heavy machinery like a car. Or for that matter, the cigarette lighter. And heaven forbid you should invite innocent civilians into your deathmobile; those people never did anything to you. However, if your car is painted like a cab, then you have free license to drive like an idiot. Running red lights, jumping curbs, cutting through the daycare playground — it’s all expected from your local cabbies. Take advantage, and get that paint job done. It comes with a free pine-scented air freshener, too. Those are nice to suck on.

Don’t Learn New Words

I understand that you want to better yourself. It’s not easy being an idiot; the temptation is always there to hoist yourself up by your own petard, out of the moronic muck. I know. I’ve been there myself. I even went so far as to learn the word ‘petard’ — and that’s three weeks of my life I’ll never have back. I still don’t know what it means, or how to pronounce it. Is it ‘PEE-tard’, or ‘PUH-tard’? ‘PUTT-hard’? I have no idea. I just know that we all have one, apparently, and that you’re only allowed to hoist your own. And if you hoist it more than twice, then you’re just playing with it. Pretty useless knowledge, really. Let this be a lesson to you all.

Never Invest Your Money

Clearly, wise investment is a good idea. The gradual accrual of interest and earnings over time is far preferable to blowing your cash on idiot staples like scratch tickets, box wine, and bad hairpieces. But the key word is ‘wise’; as idiots, we have about as much chance of picking a winning stock as winning a Nobel Prize. Why throw our money down the toilet on ‘investments’ like Alaskan ice cube makers or Michael Jackson-brand baby monitors, when we can enjoy ourselves spending ourselves sillier? Either way, the money’s gone. No need to bring a financial consultant into the equation; that’ll only cost you more.

Hopefully, these tips will come in handy for those among us who require such advice. The unfortunate thing, of course, is that many of the people who would benefit most can’t read in the first place. Or scrape together the cash to buy the book. But I’m moving forward with the book, anyway. And why not — I don’t know any better. After all, I’m an idiot.