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Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA
Charlie’s Standup Comedy Journal
I had heard good things about ‘da Vault’ from a few comics — and I’ve got to say, they’re all true, true, true! It’s a nice little place, with a great crowd, and the show was a lot of fun. Plus, you can sign up the week of the show for any Sunday night (provided you can coerce two paying customers to come with you), so it’s a show I might just be able to worm my way into over and over again.
I think this show taught me something — or rather, reminded me of something — that I sorely needed to learn (or relearn, but I think you get the idea by now). Anyway, that lesson is this:
I’m sort of a lazy fuck.
See, as I look back at my first couple of shows, when I was scared shitless up there, I find that I actually stumbled and ‘ummm‘ed less than I do now, after a dozen times on stage. And it’s because I got lazy — I put together sets the night before, and practice just a couple of times to get the timing down, but not really to work on the material. For those first couple of shows, I worked for a week or more to polish them, and play around with them, and get them just so.
(And no, I’m sure it doesn’t show, unless ‘just so’ has some drastically suckier connotation than the ones you’re currently aware of, right? Yeah. Thanks so much for chiming in.)
Anyway, I think I’ve discovered in comedy what I discovered in college — I can manage to not be a complete failure, and ‘sliiiide on by’ without putting in a lot of effort. Now the key is to fucking forget that, and actually try to get good at something. I’ll keep you posted on progress (or you can see for yourself, each time I post a new show, based on the relative suckiness of upcoming sets).
Anyway, enough about my personality flaws and failure as a person. Go watch the clip from the Vault. Yes, there’s a bit of stuttering and fumbling during the segues, but the jokes themselves are (generally) decently delivered, and there’s at least one or two bits you’ve never heard before. Oooh, and there’s lesbian porn — it’s an oldie, folks, but ‘lesbian porn’ is alwys a goodie. You can’t argue with that.
Download Clip of 02/08/04 Set —
The Comedy Vault at Remingtons, Boston, MA (5 minutes, 7 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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Well, this was a first. Folks, don’t get me wrong — I’m not accustomed to playing packed houses or anything. I’ve been in a few rooms so far where the comics outnumbered the people in the crowd. (It’s happened at the Isle before, as a matter of fact.)
But I have to admit that I’ve never done a show — or seen a show, for that matter — where the audience members were outnumbered by the hosts of the show. That’s a new one on me… and not a pretty one, folks. Not a pretty one at all.
Now, to be perfectly accurate, there were actually the same number of audience members as ‘hosts’ — two. Rich, our gracious emcee at the Isle, has picked up a keyboard player to liven things up, so there are now two people onstage between and before the comics. And there were two non-comics in the house last night. But I stand by my earlier assessment, because — if you can believe it — the two lonely people in the crowd were never there at the same time!
Folks, the Kennedy Center this ain’t.
I went up towards the end of the group of fifteen or so comics. At that point, there was just one guy, sitting to the left of the stage. (His left, my right… potato, potahto…) His name was Eric. (And yes, you know you’re in trouble when you can name every person in the audience. All one of ’em.)
So, some people went up and just screwed around. There was singing, and some ninja fighting, and all manner of hullaballoo. (There may have even been ‘shenanigans’. But I’ll never say; comics don’t kiss and tell.) But most of what I was doing was new stuff — and I’m still new to all of this myself — so I pretty much stuck to the script and did five minutes of material. Eric was even nice enough to hold the camera for me, so you guys could check it out. Go, Eric! You’re the best one-man audience a bunch of comics could hope for!
On the other hand, the film quality’s not that great. Still, Eric tried, and I love him for that. As for the show, it was received… well, it was received the way just about every other set that night was received: with five minutes of more or less unbroken silence. Just about the only noise you’ll hear on this tape, besides me (and Eric, in the beginning) is the host Rich’s intermittent pity laughs. Hey, at least Rich was there for me — for the comics that went on while he was eating pizza, there was simply no love at all.
But, what are you gonna do? Stage time is stage time, right? I don’t really know whether any of the stuff I tried works or not — when you get the same reaction to everything, it’s a bit tricky to tease apart what’s killing and what’s dying — but I got in some practice, and got some free pizza myself. Maybe I’ll do the same set again soon, and see how it goes when there are warm bodies in the audience, as opposed to the cold-blooded icy carcasses of my fellow comics.
(Hey, I’m not complaining — I didn’t laugh much at their stuff, either. It’s some unwritten code or something. Some sort of professional discourtesy, I guess.
Of course, that’s not really true. It’s just that every comic going onstage thinks he or she is the funniest person in the room. Always. Still, once you’re swilling beer and chomping pizza with ’em, most of them are pretty nice people. It’s a weird little subsociety. I’m sure somebody could get a thesis or two out of it.)
So, I tell you all of that to tell you this: don’t expect much from this set. (Like you’d expect much if you’ve watched any of the others, right? Don’t be a smartass, dude.)
Oh, and to top it off, my tape ran out just before the end of my bit. So don’t read this next line until you’ve watched the tape, and seen it cut out unexpectedly, and then hurry back here to read the ending, okay? Really — don’t read it now; it won’t make any sense. Just watch the thing, and then look. Okay, here’s the ending:
‘Of course, they took Dad away for a while then… which kind of sucked. On the good side, though, while he was gone, I sold all of his golf clubs! And we’ve gotten along a lot better ever since.‘
Wha? Hey! Dammit, I told you not to read that yet! You peeked, didn’t you? Dammit, I give you just one thing to do… some people. I’m very disappointed in you. You know, Eric wouldn’t have done something like that. He’s a pro. Shame on you. Tsk.
Download Clip of 02/04/04 Set —
Emerald Isle, Dorchester, MA (5 minutes, 21 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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On paper, the Chops Lounge is a little bitty bar room beside the Chinese food restaurant in the Howard Johnson’s near Fenway Park in Boston.
But in person… well, the Chops Lounge is pretty much a little bitty bar room beside the Chinese food restaurant in the Howard Johnson’s near Fenway Park in Boston. But that doesn’t stop the irrepressible Larry Lee Lewis from putting on a comedy show there every Saturday night, and it certainly didn’t stop me from trying my hand at the ‘hotel bar crowd’ last night.
And honestly, it was one of the better crowds I’ve seen — right around 30 people or so, ranging from college kids to an older couple that sat right in the middle up front, beaming up at the comics. The audience was a bit… reserved; none of the performer’s bits that depended on crowd participation went over very well, but they were friendly and willing to laugh, and didn’t throw anything, the whole time. So it was a good crowd, by my standards, at least.
This show also represented a few milestones for me. It was my tenth show in about ten weeks of doing standup, which is a nice hump to get over. It was also unique in being the first show I got for myself which had a cover charge. (The first show I did had a cover, but that was our ‘Standup 101 graduation show’, so it doesn’t really count as something I went out and got myself. Not to me, anyway. You can count it if you like. I can’t stop you.)
This was also my first ‘bringer’ show, where I had to guarantee that paying customers would show up with me. From what I understand, these are pretty common at the level just above ‘open mics’, where the bookers will still take just about anyone, but at least figure that if you can consistently drag people along with you to your shows, maybe you’re fairly serious about it. (Or have some pretty ignorant friends, but I like to think of myself in the first category, thank you very much. And I think my friends would appreciate that, too.)
Anyway, Larry was a great guy — very nice, supportive, and upbeat. And he even gave me some advice after my set.
(Which was, ‘The spinach bit is too long. You were doin’ great, but you lost ’em with that. You’ve gotta keep it tight and short up there.‘
And he’s right, of course. This is the third time I’ve done the bit, with generally okay results, but the ‘spinach list’ is just too damned long, and hard to remember, and it creates a gap with no punchlines for thirty seconds or so. It needs work, or it needs to be tossed. I got so caught up in writing it, and challenging myself to be able to deliver it correctly (which I haven’t yet, thank you) that I forgot to notice whether it’s actually funny. And it isn’t. Another lesson learned.
So, the whole ‘grocery store’ thing may get shelved for a bit, until I can work that out. If you haven’t seen it yet, do us both a favor and watch this past Wednesday’s clip before this one. The same bit’s in there, but at least I performed it a little more smoothly then. At the Chops Lounge, I started running out of juice halfway through, and sort of sputtered to the end. So at least watch the thing the way I meant to perform it, even if there’s a bit in the middle that’s not really all that funny. Thanks so much.)
Anyway, I had a great time at the Chops Lounge, and learned a few things, too. If you’re in the Boston area on a Saturday night, you should definitely check out Larry and his merry band of comics. And he even said he’d ‘be in touch‘ after the show, so maybe he’s willing to have me back. I’ll just promise not to talk about spinach next time. Peeing my pants, check. Leather chaps and baby oil, check. Anna Nicole Smith’s bra… checkity-check-check. Spinach? Nah. See, when I put it that way, even I can see it doesn’t really belong.
Download Clip of 01/31/04 Set —
Chops Lounge, Boston, MA (9 minutes, 11 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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I was fortunate enough to be among the first comedians to ever play at the On the Hill Tavern, which kicked off its comedy Wednesdays last night.
(Okay, so that’s only mainly true. Meaning that most of the sentence is completely true, but there’s one little bit of it that’s misleading, if you’re one of those ‘easily led’ people. See, the On the Hill Tavern apparently used to be a place called Hannah’s, and they had comedy there all the time, from what I understand. Good comedy, too, and fun was had by all.
So while I was among the cherry-poppers at the ‘On the Hill Tavern‘ stage (which is really just a patch of floor between the window and the bar), that actual area of industrial-strength bar tile, or whatever the hell it is, has perhaps seen the feet of many funny people before me, plying their trade and entertaining the drunken masses.
You know, I’m not sure there was really any point in telling you any of that. Seriously, what the hell do you care, anyway? I need to start listening to those little voices in my head that are always saying, ‘Don’t write down everything you think! Edit! Filter! Censor, dammit!‘
As opposed to the voices constantly screaming, ‘Shake it, baby! Cootchie, cootchie! Whooooot!‘, or ‘No! Bad Charlie! Bad, evil! Rub your nose in it!‘
But, as I mentioned, I’ve said too much already. Let’s just get back to the damned show.)
So, a couple of quick notes about the show, and then I’ll shut the hell up — first, I apologize for the crappy camera work in this one. My lovely and patient wife was unable to accompany me to the ‘On the Hill’.
(Though, as I”ve told her many times, I will be dragging her, kicking and screaming, ‘over the hill’, as I make my way there. But that’s different. Wrinkled, and kind of floppy, but different.)
Anyway, the point is, I taped the show myself, by resting the camera on the end of the bar and trying to line it up with the stage. I did an okay job, but it’s not zoomed in or anything, and I’m generally facing about 120 degrees away from the camera at all times. Still, it is what it is — a late-night comedy open mic in a suburban bar with a handful of people watching. You ain’t gonna get fucking Fellini, all right?
(Of course, my favorite part is that I set the camera right next to the Keno machine. And, predictably, about halfway through my set, somebody went over to get a ticket. And while you can’t see them on camera, you can hear the whirring and clacking of the machine printing the thing up. Some might call that ‘amateur’, or ‘distracting’. I say it adds ‘ambiance’. Whatever. Again with the Fellini line, you know what I mean?
And I’m not just saying that because I like saying, ‘Fellini‘. It sounds vaguely dirty, in an Italian side dish sort of way, doesn’t it?)
So. The show. Two more quick things — one, for you long-time tuner-inners, the material in the middle of this set will finally make the list in this post make sense.
(Remember the ‘Fresh. Leafy. Chopped…’ thing? Well, this is it. And no, the order didn’t go nearly the way I rehearsed it. But I managed, and I doubt the crowd had any idea. See, this is why I don’t hand out lists like this in advance. It’s the elsment of ‘what you don’t know… I didn’t screw up!’
I really need to find a way to incorporate that concept into my day job now. Meh.)
Secondly, I started out with two brand-new jokes — I haven’t even written ’em down yet. And, as I should have known would happen, they just absolutely bombed. Crickets. Silence. Glaring. I really think the first one’s funny, so I may try it again. I was never sure about the followup, and it’s probably toast. Either way, I learned a valuable standup lesson in this show:
Never lead with the new shit, in case it’s shittier than the old shit.
Believe me, I got it. I learned that one the hard way, but I managed to get the crowd on board later on, and they treated me well overall. All in all, it was a great show for me — though I apparently was more nervous than I realized, because I kept randomly dropping F-bombs throughout the jokes. I’m working on only keeping the swearing that’s planned, and meant to be in the punchlines, but I’m still not completely comfortable up there yet. And, when I’m nervous, I spout filth. That’s just what happens. You should have been at some of my job interviews. Fuck.
So, here you are. I was a little worried about the On the Hill, it being the inaugural show and all. But the host Teddie and all the waitstaff were spectacular — they even gave us a couple of free drinks and food off the menu, which (in my limited newbie experience) is unheard of. And I got to meet some new people, and do a set that’s almost twice as long as what I usually get. What more could a guy ask for on a random wintry Wednesday night? I hope you have a good time watching it; I know it was a helluva lot of fun to perform. Cheers!
Download Clip of 01/28/04 Set —
On the Hill Tavern, Somerville, MA (9 minutes, 14 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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Okay, so all of you ADD sufferers out there will appreciate this clip. If five whole minutes of comedy is simply too much to sit through, then this is the set for you. Solid.
This was ‘Two Minute Marathon’ night at the All Asia, and the last Sunday show for one of the long-time hosts there. (Don’t worry, he’s still doing a Tuesday night show. It’s okay. Breathe, now. It’s cool.) For those of you — like me — who’ve never seen a Two Minute Marathon before, here’s more or less how it works:
Each comic gets two minutes, and no more. The emcee at one of these little soirees gets the unenviable task of sitting with a stopwatch and a mic all night, signalling to people when their time is almost up, and calling them off when it’s gone. Sort of an American Idol judge, without all the snark and hair gel.)
Anyway, from what I understand, in most Two Minute Marathons, depending on how many comics show up, you might go up two or three times — the comics just keep coming up, giving wee little mini-sets until it’s all over with. So I prepared no less than five two-minute vignettes, to be able to pick and choose, gauging the crowd to deliver the most appropriate material from the vault.
Of course, it turned out — as things that I actually prepare for so often do — that all that grunt work was unnecessary. This Two Minute Marathon was to be a contest — one round for everyone, and then a ‘Funny Four’ semifinal round for the quartet of comics voted worthiest, and finally a no-holds-barred joke-off between the top two competitors. So, the format I was expecting went more or less out the window.
Fine. If I was asked to work in the semifinals, I could mix and match == the later rounds were longer than two minutes apiece == and come up with a pretty decent couple of sets.
And so, I was not asked to work in the semifinals. It was ‘two and out’ for me, and I became a spectator for the rest of the show. Eh, what’re you gonna do? It was experience, and a chance to see whether I could plan a set that wasn’t a standard five-to-seven minute time slot. And it turns out I could. I could plan five of them, even, in just a couple of days, which I think is kinda cool. (And tells me that I have at least ten minutes of stuff that at least I don’t hate, so there you go. Progress, folks. Baby steps.)
Anyway, I tell you that to tell you this — if you’ve seen the other clips, this one won’t be as much fun for you, I’m afraid. For one thing, it’s old material — hey, I had to put something together fast, and in a weird time slot. I didn’t have time to prep new stuff, you know. And for another, it’s roughly two-and-a-half times shorter than the other clips, so there’s not as much bang for your buck. On the bright side, though, there weren’t any scary punk rock fans there, like last time at the All Asia. So it wasn’t all bad, even if I was itching to get back on stage after the ‘lightning round’.
So, have a look; I hope you enjoy it. I think the clip cuts in just as I’m expressing how excited I was to be there. ‘I’m all jazz hands and a big hard-on,’ I believe was the direct quote. (Hey, I never said this shit was Shakespeare, people. Be cool.) The video’s a little dark, but you get a pretty good look at the All Asia stage, and part of the bar area, too. It’s almost like being there, folks. And if you ADD types find yourself losing interest after a while, don’t worry — it’ll be over sooner than you think. Enjoy!
Download Clip of 01/25/04 Set —
All Asia Cafe, Cambridge, MA (1 minute, 52 seconds):
(Click photo to enlarge)
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