No Decongesting on Company Time

March 31, 2006

Ibuprofen cures colds, right?

The virus phlegming up my lungs has gotten its second wind today, so I hit the First Aid kit at work, looking for some sort of decongestant.

Apparently, our office doesn’t recognize post-nasal drip as a ‘medical emergency’. No decongestant, no cough drops, no expectorants or throat lozenges.

So I grabbed two ibuprofen and sniffled back to my desk. I’m pretty sure a pack of Smarties would be just about as effective, and quite a bit tastier.

“If ever I feel the need to force fluids out of certain bodily orifices, or to keep fluids inside a new orifice I’ve accidentally created, the First Aid kit is there for me. “

Still, there weren’t a lot of other options in the old medicine cabinet. I had my choice of ibuprofen (no help), ipecac (no thanks), or extra-strength laxative (way ahead of you, sparky). Or I could suck on a swath of surgical gauze — used surgical gauze, from the looks of it. Get that thing near me, and I wouldn’t need the ipecac. Yow.

At least I learned something. If ever I feel the need to force fluids out of certain bodily orifices, or to keep fluids inside a new orifice I’ve accidentally created, the First Aid kit is there for me. Just so long as the orifice isn’t a nostril, and the fluid isn’t mucus. Because there’s nothing whatsoever for that condition to be found. On the bright side, the ibuprofen seems to be handling the splitting headache that this nonsense would have normally caused. That’s a plus. Pass the Kleenex, please.