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I Feel So Young Again! Young, and… Um, Stupid, Actually

Is there anything more depressing than the last night of a long weekend?

(Okay, fine — maybe having your in-laws visit for a week, or having to sit through six eye-bleeding hours of Olympic figure skating, or a Ken Burns documentary. But under normal circumstances, I can’t think of anything worse than the weekend thingy.)

I, for one, and extraordinarily unprepared to go back to work tomorrow. I’m thinking of calling in sick, or out of town, or amputated. Or, um, something. I’m not sure you can actually call in ‘amputated’.

(And if you could, I don’t know how you’d back that up when you finally did show up at the office a day or two later. A simple *cough cough* and a sniffle aren’t going to fool anyone. I guess you could shave one of your arms or legs, and call it a prosthetic… but someone’s bound to find out eventually — you’ll smash your thumb in a car door, or stub your toe, and when you yell out, ‘Bitches!‘, everyone else will scream ‘Aha!‘

Yeah, I’m thinking the amputation angle is probably not the way to go. You’re way ahead of me here, aren’t you? Eh. I’m a slow learner. Sorry.)

So, what was I saying? Oh, work tomorrow. Right. Poop.

Of course, I might not be quite as reluctant to return to the rat race if I were actually prepared to get back to the grind.

(Now, the ‘bump and grind’, I’m ready for. No question. But ‘the grind’, all by itself — no. Sadly, unbumpingly, no.)

You see, I told people in the office that I’d have the beginnings of a system ready tomorrow. A system that I’ve worked on, off and on (but mostly ‘off’, I’m afraid), all weekend long.

(Well, except for Thursday. Or Friday, like I mentioned at the time.

Look, ‘all weekend long’ is a relative term, all right? It’s like ‘all natural’ or ‘world famous’. Or ‘most valuable’. These are just sayings, see? So when I say I worked ‘all weekend long’, that really means… well, uh, it means a couple of the days. And after noon, obviously. And… well, in between blogging, of course. And football watching. And dinner out last night. And lunches, and laundry, and playing with the dog, and pretty much anything else I could do to put the shit off. Now, doesn’t that sound like ‘all weekend long’?)

Anyway, I’m still working on it. I’ve made progress, certainly, but I can’t really say that I have a ‘system’ yet. I’ve got a couple of ‘pages’, and I’m partway through some ‘functions’, and I’ve even got a ‘database’, but they haven’t all come together in the way that lets me keep my job yet.

And so, I continue working.

(Or blogging about working. Eight of one, half-dozen the other. Yeah, I know, I know.)

This is starting to remind me of my college days, actually. Back in school, I had the same issue — I’d spend the whole weekend putting off some paper, or studying for some test, until finally, on Sunday night, I could procrastinate no longer. It usually hit me around 8:20pm. That’s when the Simpsons started wrapping up loose ends in their weekly episode, and I knew that it was only a matter of time until the show ended, and the crap would come on — that was my cue to get off my ass and hit the books.

Things are different these days, of course. For one thing, I started working in earnest before the Simpsons came on tonight. Yes, well before. Seven-thirty, I think it was; quarter of eight at the latest. Of course, what’s also different is the list of things to do instead of work. For one thing, ESPN is showing a real, live NFL football game, which won’t go off until at least eleven. Shit, if they’d had those in college, I’d still be there, retaking sophomore physics because all the goddamned tests were on Mondays. Bastards.

Plus, when the game goes off, there’s always TiVo. Back in the day, there was nothing on worth watching after the Simpsons. (Except for the brief period of time when Herman’s Head was on — damn, I loved that show.) And that hasn’t changed — the big three networks are playing news shows or made-for-TV movie crapfests, and Fox counters with The Bernie Mac Shit. Er, ‘Show’. The Bernie Mac Show. Sorry.

(But I think I was right the first time, really.)

But with TiVo, it doesn’t matter — I could put off work for hours. I’ve got every Simpsons episode aired in the last week, plus a healthy dose of Family Guy, Comic Remix, West Wing, and more. I could blow off work tonight, take a day off, and still do nothing but watch recorded crap. And, by extension, be in this same poopy position this time tomorrow night. So I’d probably better not do that. Technology’s the bomb and all, but it’s really not helping me here. Damned technology — who came up with this shit, anyway?

So, I suppose I’d better suck it up and get something — ’cause it looks like it won’t be everything — accomplished for tomorrow. Man, it’s times like these when I can’t wait to get discovered as a comedy writer / standup comic, and I won’t have to put up with this shit any more. When I finally get there, I’ll be staying up late because I want to, drinking and cheering and telling jokes, instead of because I have to, coding and typing and grumbling under my breath.

So somebody get out there and find someone to take me to the big time, all right? I promise I’ll write more, and the shit will be funnier, too, instead of anxious, whiny, bitchy posts like this one. On the other hand, it is kind of fun to feel like I’m back in college again, if only for a couple of hours. Maybe I’ll order a pizza, and guzzle Pepsi and work until I simply can’t keep my eyes open any longer. Yeah, that sounds pretty cool. And with that kind of fuel, I should be able to get everything done, in just a couple of hours. So I’m probably fine, after all. What the hell was I worrying about, anyway? I’ve got plenty of time. Matter of fact, maybe I’ll take a ‘study break’ and check out one of those Simpsons episodes I’ve got taped. That should be fine, right? One little episode’s not gonna hurt anybody, right? Right?

(Oh, I am so screwed. Maybe calling in amputated tomorrow isn’t such a bad idea. *sigh*)