Holiday Hooky Is Here Again

November 21, 2006

The beautiful thing about a short week in the office is all of the work that you can put off for later — and hope that it simply goes away.

I’ve been playing this card all week so far. Every conversation I’ve had — with the boss, with coworkers, with the janitors — is a study in procrastination.

‘Hey, where’s that report I asked for?‘

Eh, we’ve only got three days this week. I’ll shoot for Monday.

‘Where were you? We had a big meeting this morning.‘

Sorry. I’ll show up next week.

‘Yo, you got any extra TP in that stall, buddy?‘

Hold tight, bro. I’ll get back to you on that — next week.

“Me, I start celebrating on the Monday of Thanksgiving week, where ‘celebrating’ means ‘stubbornly slacking off in the spirit of the season’.”

Some people say Thanksgiving, or Black Friday — or even Hallowe’en — is the start of the winter holiday season. Me, I start celebrating on the Monday of Thanksgiving week, where ‘celebrating’ means ‘stubbornly slacking off in the spirit of the season’. It’s the jolliest time of the year.

The tricky part is managing to do nothing in the full weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. For these unfortunate five-day marathons, there are a few shirking strategies you can employ:

Attend a pretend party

If you’re lucky, your office will throw a Friday afternoon party or two to cut your December weeks a bit short. But what if they don’t? Or what if they do, but you need more of a break?

That’s where your imagination and a creatively crafted social calendar comes in. Of course no one you know is throwing a holiday party at noon on a Tuesday.

But your boss doesn’t know that. And if you play your cards right, you can duck out of the office to ‘attend’ festive events with your spouse, your kids, your extended family, crazy Uncle Joe, your babysitter, your pets, your best friend from high school, your other spouse, and that guy who lives in your building and smells like feet.

It’s like the old ‘traveling home for a funeral’ excuse, only without the guilt of pretending your elderly family members are dead. Ho ho ho.

Fake a flu

Though not technically a ‘holiday’ excuse, you can’t very well claim to have contracted the sniffles in June. Not without some very convincing — and probably phlegmy — evidence, anyway.

Better to wait until coworkers are dropping off with the dreaded flu bug, and take it easy for a few days at home while you ‘recuperate’. It’s amazing how a fake cough and a week of sleeping in can get you in the holiday mood.

Try a snow job

In some areas of the world — like mine — you can expect a bit of snow to fall during the winter months. And assuming you don’t live within walking distance of the office — you don’t live within walking distance, do you? — you can use the white stuff as an excuse to ‘work from home’ for a day or three.

Light snow falling near the office? Well, out here it’s a blizzard. I’ll be in tomorrow, if I’m lucky.

There’s three inches on the ground in town? I’ve got snow up over the window sills here. It’ll be next week before I dig out.

Flurries called for tomorrow afternoon? I could be stranded at the office! I’d better stay home to be safe. I’ll see you guys in April.

It’s times like these I feel sorry for you folks in Florida or California with sun and warm weather and beaches all year round. You poor people don’t know what you’re missing.

Blame the travelers

There are always one or two people in the office who live across the country or have family on another continent, and leave a week or two early for the holidays. And once they do, everything becomes their fault.

Ted’s in Europe for three weeks, eh? Well, I gave him that report before he left, as far as you know. He didn’t get it to you? Tsk.

What’s that, boss — my car’s in your parking spot? Oh, sorry. I lent Ted the keys before he left, and he must’ve put it there. That pesky Ted.

You still need that toilet paper, bud? Sorry, man. I saw Ted the day he left with an armful of TP heading out, and I don’t have any, either. Somebody really ought to do something about that guy.

Hopefully, these tips can help you get through the holidays without actually accomplishing anything for the rest of the year, too. After that, you can fall back on the ‘winter blahs’, ‘spring fever’, and summer vacation time to keep the shirking streak alive.

It sure is good to finally be in the holiday season again. Those three weeks of work every fall are just exhausting.