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Ever Hear of ‘High Risk, Low Reward’?

I have this theory. I believe that you can say anything you want, no matter how heinous or cheeky, just as long as you use the right tone of voice. And the person you’re saying it to isn’t really listening. And you have a damned good backup line for what you ‘really’ said. Hey, I never said it was easy, people. Being a smartass never is. But I believe it’s possible.

For instance, let’s say you’re a downtrodden cubicle monkey, slaving away your life at a joyless, soul-sucking corporate job.

(Um… not that I would know anything about that, of course. I wuvs my employer! MegaCorp is number one on the South Side! No, really.)

Anyway, let’s say you’re hanging out late at the office, because — well, let’s face it, because the boss made you. Why the hell else wouldn’t you scoot your ass out of there one second after five pm, right? So you’re there, doing some emergency filing or rearranging the boss’ Rolodex, while the boss plays solitaire or Pong, or downloads porn on the computer. All you’ve got to do is make sure the boss is particularly distracted, put on your best business-like tone, and say:

‘It says in this memo that it would be nice if you got off your fat ass and did some actual work once in a while.‘

Most people will tune out completely after ‘it says in this memo‘. Nobody wants to hear that shit. The most you’re likely to get out of your boss is a quick ‘hrm?‘, or a distracted grunt. And if you’re particularly unlucky — if you get an angry, ‘Whaaaaaaat?!‘, then you’ve just got to nonchalantly come back with:

‘I said, this memo says that our third quarter numbers were down, but things are looking up in the West Coast office. Why, what did you think I said?‘

And that’s it. People don’t really process what they’re never expecting to hear. Of course, you can only get away with it once or twice before people catch on — and you have to make sure there are no tape recorders whirring away. But apart from that, it’s good clean, safe fun!

And you don’t have to stop at the office, either. Oh, no. Got someone special in your life? A significant other — a spouse, maybe, or a fiancee. Maybe even a single neighbor who’s been smiling your way lately. You could always sidle up to that special boy or girl when they’re reading their morning paper or doing some gardening and say:

‘So, I’m going to take out the trash, and wash some laundry, and then I thought maybe we could strip down and go at it like a couple of sweaty teenagers on E. Sound like a plan?‘

Honestly, what would you get for that? A ‘Mmm-hmm‘? A ‘Sure, whatever‘? I’m telling you, this shit works, people. ‘A sphincter says what?’ was just the fricking beginning.

Of course, I’m not actually gonna try any of that sort of thing myself. That’s where you guys come in. Get out there and test the theory, folks. I’m sure it’ll go okay — no, really. It’s just that I’m more of an ‘idea guy’, not really an ‘action guy’. But it sure seems like fun, so give it a shot. And tell me how that works out. How badly could it go, eh?