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You’re From Where? Hey, I Heard a Poem About You!

And now, from the ‘Notes to Self Department‘:

• When you’re watching the deciding game in an important baseball series — say, oh, I don’t know, the American League Championship Series — and your team is cruising to a win against their evil sworn enemies, don’t say something stupid like:

  ‘Hey, look, Pedro’s coming back out for the eighth! We’ve got this thing wrapped up!‘

  While you may be logical and rational enough to know that there’s no such thing as a ‘jinx’, the superstitious bastards around you won’t forget it if when your team folds like a house of cards and chokes. And they’ll blame you. So just keep your damned mouth shut. Washing beer and popcorn and ‘probably spit’ out of your hair is no damned picnic, dude.

• Now that you actually live in New England, you should probably stop reciting that damned limerick every time you meet a ‘man from Nantucket’. Most of them really don’t appreciate it, and they’ve all heard that shit before. And some of them are a little punchy about it. Literally. Ouchie.
• Next time you decide to surprise the wife by doing all the laundry, you should probably check the ‘Load Size’ setting. It seems that she does some itty bitty loads from time to time — delicates and unmentionables, no doubt — and turns the dial to the ‘Miniscule’ setting. And apparently, if you stuff seventy-two towels in there at once (like you know you will), and wash them with the thimbleful of water the lowest setting pumps out, it’s not going to go well. It’s really less ‘doing laundry’, and more ‘giving the linens a big fat bubble bath’. So be careful.
• The dog understands many commands. But it turns out that ‘Please don’t step on my testicles!‘ is not one of them. Seek alternative preventive measures. (Or have an ice pack handy. Whichever is easier.)
• Just because you split time in your job between two offices, you can’t assume that they don’t talk to each other. While it’s possible that you might get away with telling Office A that Office B has a wireless network, and vice versa, because you want one of them to pony up the cash for a wireless card for your laptop (so you can use it at your house, like you’re doing right now to write this entry), you’ll probably get busted when they visit each others’ office. Like they do every week at those meetings you go to. Damn.