Original humor & comedy articles daily weblog

Random Shit That Non-Baseball Fans Probably Won’t Give a Damn About

Just a few thoughts I’ve had while watching the Yankees-Red Sox game (which the Sox are losing, right on schedule):

Is there anything even conceivably worse than watching the (Damned) Yankees win an important game in their own stadium? I’m sure there are probably some normal, likable, intelligent Yankees fans out there… but damned if I’ve met any of them yet. I’m still not convinced they’re not an urban myth. As far as I can see, Yankee Stadium is filled with hairy, wifebeatered, gold chain-wearing cab drivers and teamsters, with an MGD in one hand and the other glommed around their big-haired, nose-jobbed, gum-chomping Jersey girlffriend, both of them pumping hairy-knuckled fists in the air and screaming, ‘Eh, fuck Pedro! Fuck ‘im!‘

Or maybe I made that up. Damn, I hate the Yankees.

Fox has absolutely the worst baseball announcers ever. Seriously, I think I could tolerate Fran Drescher and a coke-nosed Bobcat Golthwaite more readily than this bunch of blubbering boobs. Joe Buck apparently learned not a damned thing from his famous, and infinitely more entertaining, father. Tim McCarver is pedantic, rambly, and full of useless drivel that he’s all too happy to share. (Uh-uh-uh — don’t even think of saying, ‘Oh, like the guy who writes this blog, maybe?‘ None of that, bitches.) Bret Boone was added to the booth as… as… well, as what, I don’t exactly know. I thought he was going to be a ‘player expert’. But he acts more like a ‘retarded mime’. The dude says nothing — not a friggin’ word — for three innings, and then pipes in with something like, ‘Well, he really wants to get a hit here.‘

‘He really wants to get a hit here.‘

Ooh, that’s fuckin’ priceless, man. There’s a hitter at the plate, and he’d like to get a hit. Damn. Where does a guy have to go to school to develop that sort of brilliant insight? Forget discussing strategy, or his own experiences in the playoffs, or his brother — his frickin’ brother, fer Chrissakes! — who plays third base for the Yanks. No, sir, Bret. Just tell us that hitters want to hit the ball, and pitchers would prefer to get them out. Absolute genius, man. Somebody pay this guy, would ya?

But the worst, the absolute vilest, is Steve Lyons. He’s not covering this particular game; you’ll be able to hear his particular brand of ‘slope-browed stupid’ tonight, when the Cubs and Marlins play their grudge game. Just don’t listen too hard — I swear to God, you’ll bleed from the ears. The guy’s nickname is ‘Psycho’, but it ought to be simply ‘Dumbass’. It’s actually a relief when Lyons states the obvious, because it means he’s not butchering someone’s name, or mis-remembering a stat, or just plain making shit up as he goes along. If I didn’t love hearing the crack of the bat so much, I’d watch the damned games on ‘Mute’. Why can’t they all take a cue from Bret Boone?

Speaking of McCarver… I’m not really that surprised that he just used the word ‘reticent’, as he’s always dropping fiddy-cent words into his telecasts. The real shocker is that he used it correctly. I think that’s a first, folks. I half expected him to say something like,

‘Jose Contreras is originally from Cuba, but now he’s a permanent reticent of the US.‘

Yeah, that’s the Timmy McC we all know and loathe. Where’s Deion Sanders when you need him?

Ah, yes, this is more like it. The Sox have come back to tie this thing. And come to think of it, I misspoke earlier.

(Okay, fine, I ‘mistyped’. Nobody likes a nitpicker, man.)

Anyway, I said the Sox were losing, ‘right on schedule’. But this is just Game 6. Truth be told, I fully expect Boston to pull this one out — preferably with a brawl, and a healthy dose of ill will — and then blow the next game. You know, just to make things more interesting, and to make the fall that much harder when it comes.

Hey, the Cubs are doing the same ‘drama’ thing, right? They could have put the Marlins away yesterday, and had their young phenom on the mound to get it done. But no — they tanked late, and now we have a Game 7 in that series. Which the Marlins are pretty much destined to win, right? Sammy’s gonna lose a fly ball in the lights, or Kerry Wood will walk in the winning run, or some shit like that. And the lovable losers will go down again, after being soooo close. That’s just the way it goes.

And really, I think that’s what Cubbies fans want, deep down inside. They’ve been tortured and disappointed for so long, I think they’ve started to like it that way. They’re like little old Jewish women — they complain all the damned time, and nothing’s ever good enough… but really, they wouldn’t have things any other way. Rooting for the Cubs — and bitching, nonstop and loudly, about the Cubs — is fun. But if they were to ever actually win the big one? Oy vey.

Of course, you’d never get one of the diehards to admit it. It’s ‘root, root, root for the Cub-bies‘, and all that crap. But think about it — just about everybody in the frickin’ country wants the Cubs to get to the World Series, if not win it. It’s the underdog factor. But if the Cubs actually win — if they take home the trophy — then they’re just another bunch of obnoxious, screaming, partisan fans. They’re no longer special, and nobody will ever give a shit about what the Cubs do again.

(Not unless they can manage to put together another ninety-year-or-so losing streak, of course.)

So while the Cubs themselves most certainly want to pop the champagne corks in October, I’m not so sure about their fans, no matter how loudly they say otherwise. ‘Cause if the Cubs are ever World Champs, nobody’s gonna listen to their fans’ moaning and groaning ever again. They’re cute and all now, but once the team is successful, all bets are off. Who knows what would happen then? With nothing to complain about, what will the Cubheads do?

My guess is that they’ll be just as obnoxious, but now with an attitude. Just one more reason to cheer for the Marlins, if you ask me. Can you imagine six million Cub fans using all of that compaining energy on gloating and jeering other teams instead? Christ, they’ll be worse than those damned Yankees fans. Shit.

Go get ’em, Marlins. Kick some Cub ass tonight. ‘Cause as much as I don’t want to hear their whining, it’s a helluva lot preferable to the alternative. Let’s keep the assholes in the Bronx, shall we?