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I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
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Oh, I’ll Be an Asshole… But What Kind of Asshole?

I have a decision to make. The deadline is tomorrow morning, around nine o’clock. And I have no idea which way I’m gonna go yet. Maybe you can help me.

See, three days a week I drive my dog to her ‘school’ on the way to work. It’s a place that does training, and lets dogs socialize, and keeps them exercised and all of that.

(Yes, I know. It’s ‘doggie day care’. You think I don’t feel the shame? That I don’t know how frigging ridiculous that sounds? That I don’t see the smirks when I tell people? And worst of all, that the dog — the damned dog — is more pampered than I am? Oh, I know. I most certainly know.

But what the hell can I do? She’s already been there for three years or so. I can’t very well unenroll her. I’m not going to pull her out of classes, now that she’s settled into a routine. The best I can hope for is that she gets herself expelled for not studying, or talking in class, or getting caught doing drugs. It’s a longshot at best, I realize.

Still, it’s all I’ve got. That’s why I’ve started grinding marijuana leaves into her food every morning. So far, the folks at the kennel haven’t noticed. And the dog has been eating all the chips and Twinkies in the house. Damn. Maybe I need a new plan.)

Anyway, I take her over there three days a week. And the guy that runs the place always says hello, and chats for a while. He’s usually pretty cool. Until recently, that is. Lately, things have changed. It’s different now. Tense. Edgy. Different.

Here’s the problem: since the World Series started, this guy’s become a Yankee backer. Now, he never talked about baseball before. I remember him even saying once that he doesn’t like baseball. But ever since the damned Yankees manhandled the hometown Red Sox to advance to the big dance, this guy’s been acting like he’s from the Bronx. Maybe he’s just been yanking my chain. Or maybe he’s hopped on the bandwagon. Maybe he’s channeling that big fatassed Babe Ruth. I don’t know. And frankly, I don’t care. It’s payback time.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not a big Marlins fan. And that’s why I didn’t say anything up till now. I just took my medicine, and sucked up the ‘How ’bout those Yankees?‘ and ‘Did you see New York kick ass last night?‘. Well, that would be fine from a guy who’s been a Yankhole for years and years. You’ll never convince me that George Steinbrenner’s not the Antichrist, but I could at least respect a fan with some consistency. A little bit of loyalty. But this ‘fair-weather’ shit? Nuh-uh. That shit don’t fly, people.

And so, when I see this guy tomorrow, I’m simply gonna have to say something. The Marlins shut the Yankees down — in their own house, no less — and he’s going to hear about it. Oh, yes. The question is: what angle should I take? Below are just a few of the many options. And so I ask you — what kind of asshole should I be? I’m like a kid in a candy store here — I simply can’t bring myself to choose.

  • The ‘Hothead Homer’ — This is the guy who believes that his team can do no wrong, or at least can do less wrong than any other team out there. The home team is the best, the brightest, and has the best cheerleaders / mascot / stadium / fans. Period. No amount of logic or evidence to the contrary will ever convince the ‘Hothead Homer‘ that the local players don’t walk on water. And the more you argue, the more belligerent he gets.

    Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Hothead Homer‘:

    You know… the Red Sox would have never gotten beaten by the Marlins. The Yankees suck!

  • The ‘Bandwagon Bitch‘ — This would be fighting fire with fire. I could pretend that I absolutely love the Marlins. I could suddenly become their biggest fan, and wax poetic about their ‘grit’ and their ‘heart’ and how they’ve ‘won one for the little guy’. This is also a good way to subtly belittle the Yankees by suggesting they just don’t have the right ‘makeup’. Yankees fans hate that.

    Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Bandwagon Bitch‘:

    Wow, those Marlins sure played with a lot of spunk, didn’t they? They really came together as a team.

  • The ‘Aw Shucks Shithead‘ — These fans always like to pretend their team has no chance, leaving little room to argue with them. Even when their team wins, they manage to be self-effacing, and generally chalk it all up to luck. If there’s ever a firing squad put together to kill off the most annoying people in the world, these folks will be some of the first lined up against the wall.

    Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Aw Shucks Shithead‘:

    Man, can you believe that the Marlins pulled that off? And in Yankee Stadium, too. I would have never dreamed it!

  • The ‘Know-It-All Numbnuts‘ — This is the fan that not only knows every useless and irrelevant statistic about the teams in question, but he’s the first to share his wealth of trivia with you. No matter how little it has to do with the outcome. Or how viciously you gouge pencils in his eyeballs to make him stop. Relentless, pedantic, and holier-than-thou — that’s the MO for the ‘Know-It-All Numbnuts‘.

    Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Know-It-All Numbnuts‘:

    Well, of course the Yankees lost. They weren’t able to hit right-handed pitching in night games when the temperature is under sixty degrees all year. What the hell did you expect?

  • The ‘Underdog Backer‘ — These people cheer for whoever’s not favored to win, or is behind, or has a worse record, or has a piddly little dinky payroll. No matter the sport, the venue, the part of the country they’re in — the little guy is the good guy, and the good guy should always win. Always.

    Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Underdog Backer‘:

    Dude, the Yankees have enough World Series rings, anyway. Somebody else should win now.

  • The ‘Button-Punching Prick‘ — This guy doesn’t really give a shit who’s playing, or where, or what the score is. He’s all about getting under the skin of anyone dumb enough to pay attention to him. This guy would wheel a hot dog cart around Riyadh at lunchtime during Ramadan, just to get people’s goat. (Or camel, perhaps, in this case.) His only goal is to annoy, for his own twisted entertainment.

    Asshole comment I could make as the ‘Button-Punching Prick:

    Wow, you’d think with all that money, the Yankees could win the big one. What a bunch of chokers.

Okay, that’s all I can think of off the top of my head. Given all the assholes I’ve dealt with, I’m sure I’m missing many, many other kinds. But for now, I’ll go with these. Now I just need to decide which one to unleash on the guy. Man, it’s hard to choose. But damn, is this going to be fun! Yan-kees suck! Yan-kees suck!

Permalink  |  7 Comments

7 Responses to “Oh, I’ll Be an Asshole… But What Kind of Asshole?”

  1. Jeff A says:

    That is a hard choice although maybe the button punching prick is the best of the bunch. Although you could go with the holier than thou prick comment which would go something like. “That game is exactly why I could never be a Yankees fan” It’s kinda good you slam the Yankee’s and don’t have to dedicate yourself to any other team.

    Or how about the psycho prick. “Man someone should go ram a flaming bat up Clemens’s a$$” Alright that one is weak but I think naming their holy grail player and threatening him with bodily harm could be fun!

  2. theresa says:

    I personally like the Button-Punching Prick.

  3. P says:

    the button-punching prick. definately.

  4. Andy says:

    I have to agree with everyone. Button-Punching all the way. Normally I would never condone it, but this is a YANKEES fan we’re talking about.

    No mercy!

  5. Faye says:

    I’m torn between the Button-Punching Prick and the Aw-Shucks Shithead. Either way, shut the guy up!!

  6. Katie says:

    Seeing how much it annoyed my Yankee loving friends at work today the aw shucks shithead is the best in my book.

    I’m just glad that there won’t be a ticker tape parade in front of my office. The rally the day after game 7 was more than enough torture for me.

  7. Zoot says:

    ‘Know-It-All Numbnuts’ was my favorite. Laden with sarcasm, you can’t go wrong.

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