Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

Lost in a Fantasy World

I think my fantasy baseball obsession may have finally gotten out of hand.

This year, I drafted five fantasy teams. Five. I’ve never had that many teams at once. And for a guy who can’t balance his checkbook — or count to twelve with his shoes on, for that matter — it’s a bit much.

“You wouldn’t go to a mechanic that had never rebuilt a tranny, right? Or a stripper who’d never wrapped herself around a pole.”

It started out innocently enough. I’ve always been a big baseball fan, and when fantasy leagues made the jump from pencil and paper drudgery to internet automation a few years back, I hopped on the bandwagon. For the first couple of seasons, I managed one team at a time, and I was content with that. Not very good at it, mind you. Who starts Bret Saberhagen on the road after the All-Star break in an even-numbered year? Me, that’s who. I’m an idiot, clearly.

After a while, the ‘drafters remorse’ started to get to me. I’d come out of a fantasy draft, when I should’ve been thrilled with my new team — looking their stats up online, memorizing their lifetime on-base percentages and wives’ and kids’ names — but I wasn’t, really. I had these nagging doubts, like: ‘Was Mo Vaughn really the right pick in round six?‘ Or: ‘What made me think this was the year Bill Pulsipher would put it all together?‘ Or even: ‘Rafael Belliard?!? How many fricking beers did I drink?

So, I started playing two teams. The first was a ‘practice’ team of sorts — I’d play out the season, sure, but that squad was littered with idiot picks. I simply couldn’t be trusted to make good decisions without the benefit of a little experience. You wouldn’t go to a mechanic that had never rebuilt a tranny, right? Or a stripper who’d never wrapped herself around a pole. How about a gynecologist who’d never smeared a Pap? I think not.

Of course, my strategy was predicated on actually learning from my mistakes, which is clearly not my strong suit.

(I’m still writing here, after all. ‘Exhibit A’, ladies and gentlemen.)

So, I’d end up with two lousy teams, bursting at the seams with scrubs and has-beens and part-time platoon pinch-hitters. Often they’d be different no-talent jackasses, but they were no-talent jackasses, just the same.

It was about that time that ESPN started offering three teams at a discount. Those shifty, conniving, weaselly marketing bastard geniuses. Three’s a charm, right? Why the hell not — what else have I got to do all summer?

From there, it’s snowballed further. A couple of friends want to play on another site, so I start a team there. Other people I know wanted to set up a ‘keeper’ league — ooh, so now I can hold on to light-hitting utility man Khalil Greene for five whole years? Gee. Where do I sign up?

It’s funny how these things sneak up on you. Not ‘funny ha-ha’, mind you. More ‘funny hey, why don’t I spend two and a half hours every morning checking box scores and batting averages, wouldn’t that be a hoot?’.

The whole game experience has changed now, too. With five fantasy teams, I’ve pretty much got everybody in the major leagues, on one team or another. I looked the other day, and I think I’ve got a clubhouse attendant from the Mariners and the Dodgers third-base ball girl on one roster. In terms of ‘coverage’, I’m in good shape.

On the other hand, it’s rare that I have a particular player on more than two or three of my teams. So I find myself watching highlights, saying things like:

Yeah, a double off the wall! But shit, that’s my pitcher, too. Bitches!

Damn, I can’t afford another hit to ERA, or batting average. Call the game off! Rain, damn you!!

A home run! Forty percent hooray!

I think the situation would be completely intolerable, if I didn’t follow one simple fantasy baseball rule: ‘Never draft anyone you can’t stand to cheer for.’

Finally, fantasy mirrors real life. No matter which team I need to pick it up, or which player I’m rooting for, the Yankees can all go to hell. There’s one thing we can all agree on, fantasy or no. Play ball.

Permalink  |  1 Comment

One Response to “Lost in a Fantasy World”

  1. Teddy says:

    I fantasy nerd and have done pretty well in my league the past few years. My best advice is to look for players that had an off year the year before ( ie Vernon Wells who I is my best offensive player so far this year)

    Also in terms of younger players focus on the ones you know alot about and not just ones with decent stats. Being a huge sox fan I knew alot about Youk and Papelbon and got both of them on my team in later rounds.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved