Charlie Hatton About This
About Me
Email Me

Charlie Hatton
Brookline, MA

All Quotes


Howdy, friendly reading person!
I'm on a bit of a hiatus right now, but only to work on other projects -- one incredibly exciting example being the newly-released kids' science book series Things That Make You Go Yuck!
If you're a science and/or silliness fan, give it a gander! See you soon!

The Postman Wore Mukluks

I give up. This New England weather has finally beaten me into submission.

It snowed today. The fifth freaking day of April, and it snowed in Boston. These weren’t flurries, either. No delicate gentle snowflakes, these. These were the wet, sticky, slappy sort of snowflakes. They thudded audibly against the windshield as I drove to work. They may have dented the hood, even. This precipitation wasn’t screwing around.

“From now on, I’m going to storm onto my porch in the morning, wearing short pants, a parka, and one galosh, and demand, ‘WHAT? WHAT THE HELL’S THE RIGHT ANSWER TODAY?!?‘”

To be honest, the snow itself isn’t the big problem here. I do have an issue, in principle, with seeing the white stuff this late in the year. ‘April showers’ should bring ‘May flowers’ — not ‘snow plowers’, for crissakes. It’s baseball season now, and there’s no blizzards in baseball! So sure, the snow is troublesome.

Worse, though, are the wildly fluctuating temperatures. This weekend, we had ‘seasonal’ weather, in the mid-fifties.* On Monday, it was a warm and sunny seventy. Today — thirty. There’s no one on the planet, besides those equipped with a surname of Kennedy or Marcos, with a wardrobe wide enough to accomodate that sort of climatological claptrap.

I sure as hell don’t, that’s for certain. And I’m fed up with trying to outguess the weather monkeys over what to wear. From now on, I’m going to storm onto my porch in the morning, wearing short pants, a parka, and one galosh, and demand, ‘WHAT? WHAT THE HELL’S THE RIGHT ANSWER TODAY?!?

Some might say this week’s wacky weather is simply proof of the old New England adage:

If you don’t like the weather now, just wait a bit. It’ll change.

Very cute and folksy, no doubt. I can readily imagine Grandpa Massachusetts in his rocker, with a Red Sox Nation shawl around his shoulders, dispensing such nuggets of wisdom to the wee ones gathered at his feet.

Except for one thing: that particular homey bit of fluff is true for ninety percent of the inhabitable land masses on the planet. Certainly, the weather’s not going to change much in Antarctica or sub-Saharan Africa, no matter how long you wait around.

(For that matter, nothing much changes in Southern California weatherwise, either — but there’s no stupid adage in Southern California that starts with, ‘If you don’t like the weather…‘ If you don’t like the weather there, they have you committed. Or ship you to Minnesota. Occasionally both.)

In the rest of the world, the weather changes. That’s what scientists call ‘seasons’. Seeeea-sons. My beef is simply this: if we only get four seasons, we shouldn’t have to deal with three of them in the space of a week. The ‘T-shirt and mittens’ look is just dandy down at the sanitorium, but I’m not sure I should go to work that way.

Weather, you win. I’m putting on knee socks and a muumuu, and going back to bed. Somebody wake me when it’s August, or even December. At least I’ll know what the hell to wear outside.

(* The temperature tallies above are in Fahrenheit, obviously. I apologize to our friends across the pond. I’d convert to Celsius, really — if only because it’s a hell of a lot easier to spell — but the math always ties me in knots.

‘Take five-ninths of the number, add thirty-two, and subtract the barometric pressure expressed in milliliters of mercury on the third moon of Neptune,’ or some such nonsense. I could never get it right. I’d have an easier time converting to Kelvin, and reporting how close we got to absolute zero today.)

Permalink  |  8 Comments

8 Responses to “The Postman Wore Mukluks”

  1. Haha. Please, come and visit northern Canada for a week! We haven’t had a summer in eighteen months (but we did have a monsoon season last July), and this winter… didn’t exist (although last year, the last snowfall came in May). A week ago, we got two feet of snow and built a snow cave. This week it’s 17 degrees Celsius and we’re in shorts.

    You can sleep on the spare bed.

  2. shelley says:

    You rarely hear people referring to just one galosh. It seems like it’s always the plural: “Don’t forget your galoshes!” or some such. A single “galosh” sounds like a very intimate sort of disease, and very painful, if you ask me. Not that I have stayed up nights wondering about this sort of thing or anything, but why aren’t “galoshes” more like “pants”? Not in the sense that galoshes are, or should become, at all like pants, but in that there’s not really a singular of “pants.” It’s always a “pair of” ’em. I say we make “galoshes” follow the same rules, ’cause I’d prefer to never hear of a single “galosh” ever again. *shudder*

  3. Kristine says:

    I love the snow under particular circumstances. Yesterday’s snow didn’t fall under any of those. It was APRIL and that nasty gross slushy snow. Awful. I’d rather it be a few degrees colder and have real snow, actually.

  4. stephanie says:

    ummm… not to be nitpicky… but it was more like 70 on saturday :)

  5. Jenny says:

    The problem with converting to Kelvin is that you have to FIRST convert to Celsius and then subtract 273.15. Or you could convert the Fahrenheit to Rankine (R=F+459.67 or something close) and then divide by 1.8 to get the Kelvin.

    And you thought YOU were a nerd? I’m sitting here in a freakin’ lab coat and safety goggles for Christssakes.

  6. Goth Bunnyy says:

    Southern CA ain’t been that spiffy of a place of late either. Rain in April? And not hte warm spring showers, this is cold, hard rain . . with icy winds even. It’s april and I still have my heater on at night. Global Warming my lily white arse!

  7. dustbuster says:

    Wow, I really have found the colon of the Internet! Quit your whining, you bug-eyed asshole.

  8. Jenn says:

    So…are you storming out on your front porch wearing a striped rugby parka? Inquiring minds want to know.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

HomeAboutArchiveBestShopEmail © 2003-15 Charlie Hatton All Rights Reserved
Me on Film 'n' Stage:
  Drinkstorm Studios

Me on Science (silly):
  Secondhand SCIENCE

Me on Science (real):
  Meta Science News

Me on ZuG (RIP):
  Zolton's FB Pranks
  Zolton Does Amazon

Favorite Posts:
30 Facts: Alton Brown
A Commute Dreary
A Hallmark Moment
Blue's Clues Explained
Eight Your 5-Hole?
El Classo de Espanol
Good News for Goofballs
Grammar, Charlie-Style
Grammar, Revisitated
How I Feel About Hippos
How I Feel About Pinatas
How I Feel About Pirates
Life Is Like...
Life Is Also Like...
Smartass 101
Twelve Simple Rules
Unreal Reality Shows
V-Day for Dummies
Wheel of Misfortune
Zolton, Interview Demon

Me, Elsewhere

Standup Comedy Clips

Selected Clips:
  09/10/05: Com. Studio
  04/30/05: Goodfellaz
  04/09/05: Com. Studio
  01/28/05: Com. Studio
  12/11/04: Emerald Isle
  09/06/04: Connection

Boston Comedy Clubs

 My 100 Things Posts

Selected Things:
  #6: My Stitches
  #7: My Name
  #11: My Spelling Bee
  #35: My Spring Break
  #36: My Skydives
  #53: My Memory
  #55: My Quote
  #78: My Pencil
  #91: My Family
  #100: My Poor Knee

More Features:

List of Lists
33 Faces of Me
Punchline Fever
Simpsons Quotes
Quantum Terminology

...Bleeding Obvious
By Ken Levine
Defective Yeti
Divorced Dad of Two
Gallivanting Monkey
Junk Drawer
Life... Weirder
Little. Red. Boat.
Mighty Geek
Scott's Tip of the Day
Something Authorly
Unlikely Explanations

Full Archive

Category Archives:

(Stupid) Computers
A Doofus Is Me
Articles 'n' Zines
Audience Participation
Awkward Conversations
Bits About Blogging
Bitter Old Man Rants
Blasts from My Past
Cars 'n' Drivers
Dog Drivel
Foodstuff Fluff
Fun with Words!
Grooming Gaffes
Just Life
Loopy Lists
Making Fun of Jerks
Marketing Weenies
Married and a Moron
Miscellaneous Nonsense
Potty Talk / Yes, I'm a Pig
Sleep, and Lack Thereof
Tales from the Stage
Tasty Beverages
The Happy Homeowner
TV & Movies & Games, O My!
Vacations 'n' Holidays
Weird for the Sake of Weird
Whither the Weather
Wicked Pissah Bahstan
Wide World o' Sports
Work, Work, Work

Alas Smith and Jones
Berkeley Breathed
Bill Hicks
Dave Barry
Dexter's Laboratory
Douglas Adams
Evening at the Improv
Fawlty Towers
George Alec Effinger
Jake Johannsen
Married... With Children
Monty Python
Nick Bakay
Peter King
Ren and Stimpy
Rob Neyer
Sluggy Freelance
The Simpsons
The State

Plugs, Shameless
100 Best Humor Blogs | Healthy Moms Magazine



Feeds and More
Subscribe via FeedBurner


RSS 2.0
Site Hosting:
Solid Solutions

Powered by:

Title Banner Photo:
Shirley Harshenin

Creative Commons License
  This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License

Performancing Metrics

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Valid XHTML 1.0

Valid CSS!

© 2003-15 Charlie Hatton
All Rights Reserved