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The Muppet Picayune, Page Twelve: Personal Ads

Box #1894: On the Wings of Love (Photo)

Large, flightless fowl seeks same for companionship, spelling lessons, and possible nesting with the right bird. Must be open to sharing relationship with large, furry, and possibly imaginary third party. No fat chicks, please.

Box #1937: Let Me Serve You! (Photo)

Me: meek, submissive, into Robin, Mr. Smithers, and various other sidekicks and toadies. You: strong, dominating, not afraid to show me the discipline I crave. I’ll gofer you; will you go for me?

Box #1946: Don’t Let the Pointy Teeth Fool You (Photo)

I’m mysterious, continental, and I’ve been single for one… two… three… four… for too long, now. I don’t vant to suck your blood; I just want two to tango. One… two. Two. Can I count on you?

Box #1983: Lots of Me to Love (Photo)

“Give this big cuddly monster a try. OR I WILL EAT YOU!“

I’m a BBB (big, beastly, and buggy-eyed) monster looking for my soulmate snookums. I can sing, cook (usually not people), and most of my exes who survived the first date say I’m a great kisser. Give this big cuddly monster a try. OR I WILL EAT YOU!

Box #2018: I Wouldn’t Joke About Romance (Photo)

Straight-laced reserved patriotic sort seeks same for a lifetime of quiet dinners, conservative values, and sleeping in separate nests. Sense of humor and adventurous spirit not important; knowledge of arcane U.S. history trivia a plus. Must be okay with bald guys; only serious inquiries, please. Very serious.

Box #2052: I’ve Been Hurt Before (Photo)

Young, impressionable and cautious Romeo looking for new life partner. My ego was bruised in my last relationship — also, I was squished, poked, flung, crushed, and set on fire. Multiple times. Handle my heart with kid gloves, please. Meep.

Box #2056: Love, the Final Frontier (Photo)

Being a famous astronaut and doctor doesn’t leave much time for the ladies. But now I’m earthbound and my phaser’s set to ‘Love’. Let’s blast off on a new adventure together. No porkers, please.

Box #2120: Be My Snickerdoodle? (Photo)

Me no speak very well, but me shower you with kisses and macaroon crumbs forever. If black and white can get along in cookie, why not us? If we feel spark, me double-stuff your Oreo with love!

Box #2165: Bork! Bork! Bork! (Photo)

Bork buh bork bork bork bork? Buh bork! Borky bork bork bork, bork buh bork bork. Bork bah bork? Bork! No Norwegians, but would I bork a Bjork? You bork!

Box #2217: PRETTY GIRL!!@1 (Photo)

HELLO, PRETTY GIRL! ARE YOU A PRETTY GIRL? DON’T BE SCARED, PRETTY GIRL! CALL ME NOW — WE HAVE GOOD TIME. GOOD TIME WITH PRETTY GIRL! AAAAHHHH!!

Box #2239: Think You’re Miss Right? More Like ‘Miss Blight’! (Photo)

Discerning older gentleman seeks female with similar interests, which include… nothing. I enjoy nothing, no effort is ever good enough, and everything these days is pure crap. If you’re a crotchety old biddy with a bad attitude, give me a call and we’ll spend our golden years taunting idiots who think they have talent. Morons.

Box #2344: Your Wildest Dream Come True! (Photo)

Gorgeous, famous, and svelte — that’s right, svelte, you cretin! — starlet of stage and screen is willing to grace you with her presence… on a few conditions. You must shower moi with love, compliments and expensive gifts, and support moi in my many spectacularly successful ventures. Also, you must paint your entire body green and answer to the name ‘Kermie’. It’s a small price to pay to live in the shadow of my radiance. Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO, BUSTER!!

(Note: All image references are to the tremendously thorough and comprehensive Kermitage Muppet Show Character Guide. Check it out!)