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Life Lessons Learned From My Underwear

1. ‘Tighter’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘better’.

2. Snap the elastic of others as you would have your own elastic snapped unto you.

3. Style is a distant second consideration when your balls are tangled in a knot.

4. When you start out with a leg in the wrong hole, it’s all downhill from there.

5. If you suspect something’s going to crawl up your ass and annoy you, you’re probably right.

“There’s nothing sexy about showing your ass in public.”

6. Just because your wife can effortlessly make something look good doesn’t mean that you can. Or that you should even try.

7. One of the worst things you can possibly do is fail to realize you have everything ass-backwards.

8. Sometimes, the most effective solutions are plain, simple, and come in packs of three.

9. No matter how messy things get, it’ll all come out in the wash. Probably.

10. There’s nothing sexy about showing your ass in public. Well, maybe your ass. But not mine.

11. If you hit a snag getting into something, your best bet is to step out and try again from the start. Otherwise, you’re likely to end up falling on your face.

12. Animal prints are only an acceptable fashion statement when no one else can see them.

13. If there’s anything sticking up out of the back of your pants, expect people to stare and point. And probably laugh.

14. Two minutes in the dryer makes everything snugglier.

15. In an emergency, you can always turn things inside out.

16. Nobody, but nobody, wants to see my reenactment of scenes from Risky Business.

17. It’s best to find your escape hatch before you actually have to go. Really, really have to go.

18. Accidents will happen. But the more of them you can keep to yourself, the happier everyone will be.

19. If it’s meant for your crotch, don’t put it on your head. And vice versa.

20. In a world of many options, sometimes the only bad choice is no choice at all. Especially when there’s a zipper involved.

So those were twenty things my underwear has taught me. What has your underwear taught you?